


He Who Has Everything

by emotionalcello



Category: EXO (Band), VIXX
Genre: Angst, Chanyeol is fluff, Drama, M/M, Rape, Romance, Smut, Taekwoon smokes, VIXXO, and bitchy mothers, and i dunno any exo pair names to click bait, every other pair is click bait lol, hyukbin, imma desperate hoe, issa CHanyeolxTAekwoon fic, keo - Freeform, leobin - Freeform, luck, navi - Freeform, neo - Freeform, raken, wontaek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 61,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionalcello/pseuds/emotionalcello
Summary: Jung Taekwoon is one of the many sex worker on the red-light district, in a further part of the town. A man of 24 with a street name called Leo. His last and only family was his mother who left him behind when he was a teenager. Alone in a passionless life, Leo has nothing to live for, yet he kept going aimlessly.Park Chanyeol, a man of complete opposite from Leo, almost. Tall, handsome, got a decent job, wonderful parents that loves him, a hobby he’s passionate about, and good friends that goes way back. Chanyeol have it good, it shows in how he always smiles and carefree (in a cocky flare sometimes). All around a good kid.One night, the two met when Leo takes a walk that night to clear his head, and just when Chanyeol almost gave up from looking for him.The two only spend 2 days together, yet their relationship takes a drastic change.A story of he who has everything, meets he who lost everything.Warnings:Mention and actual rape, abuse, possibly strong languages, (if you find more things I should warn feel free to tell me)Kudos if you love it~~ Comments and tell me if you like it~~ anything will be much appreciated :D





	1. Day 0 | Night.

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> yay i can attach pics!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon is out, taking a breather, then le wild Chanyeol appears.

Her back is going to snap at any moment, she hasn’t move from that position since the drama came from the commercial break, and it’s hunched in a very dangerous arch for her old age. Eyes not breaking away from the screen, watching two women yelling and splashing glasses of water on to each other’s faces. A male character came, seems like he’s the main character. He’s unbelievably handsome, so he must be.

I can’t believe I’m that bored to be watching with the receptionist grandma. Since I have no catch for the moment, I found myself watching that kdrama.

The female character is crying at the male character as they convey their undying love to each other. Both of them cried for a very longtime with an emotional background music. The female then pushed him away but then they hug again and then kiss, and the music becoming even more emotional.

My eyes rolled back to my skull at how dumb this is. I never understand what’s all the rave about those shows. Why would anyone be so desperate about it and watch those overrated fabricated drama? Maybe it’s not fabricated, who am I to judge? I never really experienced these things, not that I bother.

There is only one thing in my mind, survive. Nothing else has been above that priority.

I live as Leo in almost half of my life, never heard my real name for years. One of my old pimp, Hakyeon, named me that, and it’s stuck till now. He had 12 employees when he first started, and named them all after a zodiac, and here I am, stuck with ‘Leo’, and been too lazy to think of anything else since. Besides, I’ve gained popularity with this name.

I leaned my back to the concrete wall, lighting up a limp cigarette I saved on my pocket. I stare the people passing by the fairly narrow street, bored of that kdrama. Enduring the cold night with my worn black leather jacket, a grey sweater underneath, and a cigarette on my lips making me feel warm in ever breath.

With my eyes down on the road, I could see the passerby is getting a bit more crowded since it’s finally rush hour. People getting out of their work comes here in their suits, looking to let go of their frustration, or just drunk and looking for some fun.

Married men, women looking for the fire that their marriage doesn’t have anymore, single people that wanted an adventure, broken hearted virgins, I’ve been with everyone. Though sometimes their stories are amusing, some are dangerous, this job does come with a few occupational hazards.

My eyes look dead straight, occasionally catching people’s eye that look my way. Just letting those eyes roam me, and decide themselves. Standing here, and let the words of their filthy mouth travel, or just letting their lust arise. Just putting a façade like I’m minding myself, smoking to get warm. A few piercings on my ear attract a little bit attention, which was also one of my assets.

My eyes caught a piercing stare, finally, a fish.

“You’re Leo aren’t you…. Well, aren’t you a pretty thing…” a man with shaky high-pitched voice approached me, his breath stank of alcohol.

This can’t be any more mediocre. His hand is planted beside my face as the other one is feeling up my face. A man that couldn’t be any younger than 40. The wrinkles on his face and the gray strands of his hair are clearly visible even in that dim night. Reflective gold wedding ring sits on his finger. His suit is expensive, his watch is branded, I can dig this one.

His hands nibbling my chain earing that dropped till the mid of my neck, and playing with a few beads and hoops on my ears. He shamelessly licks the ring hugging tight on the right side of my lips, giving me a sniff of his alcohol breath. I let him feel me all he wants, let him know what he’s getting.

“Do you like what you’re feeling, ahjussi.” I tried to put my soft and high-toned voice to be alluring as ever, since this person is a special case.

My voice is one of my assets, that, along with my lean body that I never bother to feed properly, and the piercing in my tongue. Ever since I had it, people kept coming for more.

The man kept touching me, and no moves, I guess I have to then, “I’m feeling generous today, we can do whatever you want.”

And with that, here I am in a love hotel with my knees on the grimy carpet, and his dick in my mouth.

His hands grabbing a lock of my hair tight, and thrust into my mouth the little energy he has. His dick didn’t even hit the back of my throat, it feels like eating a baby banana, a soggy baby banana.

I work my tongue around his length, making sure that he got a feel on the bead on my tongue. His legs tremble as I rub it more, and it didn’t take long for him to finally finish in my mouth. Ack, I can never really get used to this disgusting taste.

The man is still in trance with his dick is still up and hard, twitching. He’s definitely on the passive side, which is shockingly different somehow. I pushed him onto bed, and kicked my ripped jeans away, exposing my naked bottom half. I took the lube and condom by the dresser and made myself loose as I straddle him between my legs. He laid there doing nothing but enjoy the view with that wrinkly smile. He didn’t mind when I put a condom on him, it’s good that this one is at least this obedient.

After I’m all open and slippery, I pushed his rock-hard member in me, it was a familiar feeling that didn’t even turn me on anymore, the man between my legs seems like he had gone to the heavens. His lust contained smile is the same as the others, as well as his eyes that are licking my body, imagining what he wanted to do to me.

He put his hands on my skin, roaming my chest, down to the bones of my hips, clenching tight.

I shook my hips, slowly at first, then fastened in tempo. Clenching my insides and relax it in a right timing, can send anyone on their edge, just like this man.

His fingers slipped under my shirt and find their ways on my chest. Then he stopped on my nipples, teasing the little bud of flesh. He rubbed, and tease, and admire, then all of the sudden he pinched, twisting it hard. I hate it when they did this, giving pain and leaving marks, just a bit, I’ll endure. I groaned at the burning pain, it was a pain that I’m familiar with yet still hurt, and he didn’t hide how he enjoyed that.

He yanks my shirt open and his sloppy tongue wrapped my nipple and soak it with his smelly saliva. His mouth were millimeters to mine before I stopped him.

“Kissing cost extra” and he just scoffed at me. He grabbed my neck and pushed me down, clenching with his trembling hand, he didn’t even put up that much of a force, but I just let him do what he wanted.

His eyes filled with anger, and all the wrinkles gathered around them “You think I don’t have enough money? What a leach…” yeah it was stupid of me, I already know you’re filthy rich. I just, don’t want to… his hand slapped my face, again, no energy and didn’t even hurt.

He yanked my chin towards him and pushed his lips on mine. His tongue slither in forcefully, making me taste the traces of alcohol on his slimy saliva. Ugh, it’s disgusting I’m about to gag.

The sex is mediocre as usual, and the old man passed out after the third time he comes. I took my time to have a shower and clean my insides. The old man didn’t show any sign of waking up any time soon, so I took my chance. Snatched his watch, took some money on his wallet, and left him enough to check out. Told him kissing cost extra.

I walk outside with enough money on me for a week, 2 weeks if I cut my cigarettes and beers supply, but I don’t know if I can, they keep me together. I once cut back on the beers, I can do without them on summers, but cigarettes, I can’t. I’ve been on this for around 10 years, it’ll be like losing an only friend.

I went back to my apartment, an old building that has the cheapest rent in the area. The walls are thin, and the heaters barely worked. I stoked up on beer and cigarette to accompany me tonight, and for a source of warmth.

The building is usually rented by hookers like me, but sometimes there are other people that’re on their budget lives here too. Or sometimes both, like the married couple next to me.

Before I could get my keys, the door beside me slammed open. The couple is fighting again. Both of them shouting their throats off to each other in a conversation that I don’t bother to pay a slight attention to.

I was about to get in, but the husband shoves me against the wall “What are you looking at?!? Filthy whore, this building is filled with SLUTS, YOU ALL DISGUST ME” he roared on my face, and he runs off in to the dark. I shrug, and about to enter my room before I caught the wife’s eyes staring at me.

“Haeun noona” I nod my head to greet her, but her face stays stiff and cold. Traces of eyeliners flow down her red stained cheeks, with pink lipstick stroked across her jaw. Ah, that red bruise on her cheek, how nostalgic.

Her sharp eyes darted at me, I already know what she’s about to say, “How many today?” she asked her daily question as she leaned her thin body on the wall, only clothed with a sweater cardigan over a knee-length satin gown.

“1 male, 2 woman , and the last one, an old man” her eyes almost as dead as old fishes, almost, because I can still see her intentions behind those hollow black eyes.

I never understand why she must ask, it doesn’t matter anyway. Though in the back of my mind, I know she just wanted to see how lowly I am, lower than her at least.

Finally, she grinned, “You’ve worked hard, come.” she gestured me to come to her room. I put my groceries inside my room first before following her into her own apartment.

She took off her clothes, I took off mine. We held each other in a lust driven instinct, and frustration. She tried to desperately make herself feel good and drowned in the orgasm to wash all the burdens away. Well, her burden anyway, me doing this is still called a service, but she didn’t pay me with money.

My pay for today is a salty omelet over a fried rice with ketchup. It tastes okay, well it’s different compared to the pre-heated meals I bought at supermarkets. Haeun noona sat at a mattress by the window, smoking as she stares intently at me.

“Do you eat anything beside the one I cook for you?” I shrugged my shoulders, and it made her scoffs, “Of course you do, you couldn’t possibly just eat once a week” and she inhale a good amount of smoke into her lungs before coughing it out and continue “Just eat more, your bones were poking me” I would if I have the money, or the appetite.

“waaah…. WAAAAAAAAAH”

The screeching cry making my ears pulsed, her 4 months old son is awake. She did nothing but frown at the deafening sound, “Ugh he’s noisy…” she spats. I left my meal and went to the room where she usually puts her baby, but he’s not there.

I follow his muffled voice, leading up to the closed closet. There he is, laid above a thick blanket as the only thing that separates him and the cold floor. Face red and wet from tears, snots were oozing out of his nose. I glance around to find some tissues, and wipe the small teary face. I took him in my arms and swing him back and forth, rocking him gently as I hummed.

I took him out to Haeun noona, but the cry of her own child did not make her reacts, not even a frown anymore.

“Noona, why is he in the closet?”

“He took space” such a small baby, and she said he took space? I couldn’t judge her knowing what’s she’s been through, but that’s too much.

I can see that the crying is getting to her as she begun to scowl, “He’s hungry, I don’t have baby formula right now, just… put him back in the closet” she shooed me, and I walk away.

There is a little pinch in my chest when I see how cold she is to his son, it reminds me of… No, I don’t want to remember.

I tried calming the baby; sung him a lullaby, while I pat his fragile soft back gently. Gradually, the baby stopped crying and drift off to sleep after I rocked him for an hour. I laid him down back on that thick blanket, but outside of the closet and on top of the mattress this time.

My meal has become cold, and my arms feel numb, but I continue to eat anyway, I’m not going to waste any grain of my pay.

With the room now quiet, finally, Haeun noona now look my way, “I never understand why you cared about that child more than I did, knowing your mother, I never thought you would still have any care”

A mention of my mother again, making my face scowl and glare at her. Why does she have to mention her? After all these nights of me trying to forget her.

My mother was a hooker that worked with Haeun noona for a while. A mother that never gave a shred of care for me ever since I could remember. I guess Haeun noona is a splitting image of her. I never knew my father, could be one of the various men he brought home that time, but I stopped guessing as I see no point in it.

I only went to school until I graduate from elementary school, after I know how to use my body at the age of 10. I stopped going to school after elementary and earn some money the same way my mother did when I’m 13. School and friends became unnecessary, money and her addiction are the most important.

My mother started to take a break from selling herself, and took the money I worked hard for as our daily expenses. I didn’t complain, because whenever I earn money for her, she would smile and praise me. She’s also kinder when she’s high.

Later then, I realized that she was smiling at the money on her hand. Yet I didn’t stop, we need to survive.

I was 16 when she suddenly gone without a trace, taking all the money I had saved.

‘I’m going out for a while, I’ll be back soon’ what a liar.

My room is cold. The heater broke again, and I’m too lazy to fix it. I chug on 3 cans of beer, and smoke two cigs to warm myself up. I’m being really I need to make them last more.

My body is tired, my will is tired.

Survive. Earn more money, pay the rent, buy beers, cigarettes, eat, what are all those for? I kept wondering why I’ve been surviving this long. I’ve lived in this dark filthy world for 24 years, how much longer does life have to be?

When? When will life leaves me be?

I am so tired of existing, of living, of repeating the same cycle over and over again.

I felt sick in this room, in a room where I never bother to move out of without knowing why. This strange attachment something that has took more of my life than this cigarette. A room where it holds so many memories that haunts me. Bad things happen to me in this room, not always bad things, some are good memories.

A pack of smoke and beer usually make me numb enough from all the haunting past, but it’s not working now. It’s surfacing, that scar, thanks to Haeun noona for bringing her up. Blood in my chest boiled, as my skin started to cold sweat. This restlessness and fear, clenching at my chest, it’s coming back.

It’s always this painful whenever I remember her, remembering what she did… and what she didn’t. Feeling like the loneliness plummeting down to my stomach, and the walls closed on me, so narrow I can’t breathe.

It’s so suffocating, I could die.

I put my worn leather jacket and boots back on, walking aimlessly that night with a pack of cigarette in my pocket and a lit one hung on my lips.

Passing by the red-light district, there was a train station a kilometer from it. There’s only a few people in this station at this hour, the last train is in a few minutes, which means I came in the right time. When I see trains passing, it always calmed me.

When I was younger, I’ve sat here countless of times, pondering whether or not to leave this place. Whenever I choose to leave, questions popped in my mind. Go where? And do what? How can I support myself? Doing the same thing? There’s no point in leaving then. I was lost, and clueless. Uneducated and talentless. No passion nor dreams.

In the end, I accept my fate. This is the place I was born, raised, and make a living. Where the neon lights have become my sun, and love hotels that has the same value as my home. Harvesting bodies and squeeze money out of it. This is my world, this is how I live. Till my life come due, I’ll rot here.

I inhaled the calming smoke in, closed my eyes let the silence killed me. Letting my helplessness sink and numb me. It did. As the nicotine take effect and the murmur of the station sank in the background, the night is ever so calming.

Just me in the sinking world, blending me within them.

Yet the calm didn’t last long, as stomping steps seems to grow even closer. I decide to open my eyes to see who is disturbing my peace.

It was a young man with a messy suit and damp hair. He looked out of breath, with eyes fixated on me, looking intently with a bewildered face. This man is probably drunk, and noticed me from the red-light district.

I thought he would just walk pass, but no, he’s walking towards me.

Does he want to buy me? I honestly feel really tired today, but his suit looked expensive, I bet his wallet is thick too. I can save up a lot of money today, maybe take a few days break from selling myself.

But, he doesn’t look like he’ll find difficulty in finding sex partners, both men or women. Maybe he has kinks, weird kinks, which I won’t mind depend on how much he’ll offer me.

I stood up to face him and surprisingly, he’s the same height as I am, perhaps even taller. His hair is black, combed back but a few strands escaped the tidy pattern. The young boy didn’t say anything and continues to stare at me.

“Hi… uh, Leo, right?” I was shocked at how deep his voice is, he looked like a kid, it doesn’t suit him at all, it’s not that it’s a critic though.

“Yes, that’s me, are you here for a night?” I asked, but it only confused him. His wide eyes dissolve and his eyes squint with furrowed eyebrows.

“Uh… a night?” he looked perplexed, smiling awkwardly. That’s weird, it’s a common thing here. Could it be that it’s his first time buying sex workers?

“It means, if you want to buy me for sex tonight.” His face is getting even redder, not in embarrassment, he’s angry.

“STOP! What on earth are you saying out of the blue??” his voice sure is loud, his gestures are big, he shouted on top of his lungs. His face red, I don’t know if it’s because he’s embarrassed or he’s angry, I choose the latter because it’s too stupid and he’s pissing me off.

“I’m a fucking hooker that’s why, are you really that stupid or are you messing with me??” as soon as I said that, the fussy boy loosened his knitted eyebrows, with wide eyes and gaping mouth.

Ugh he’s just dense, isn’t he? He’s ruining the mood. I don’t care how handsome or rich he is, I don’t want him.

“If you’re not interested then I have no business with you.” I turn my heel. Too bad, I thought I finally could score someone good looking, guess I’m out of luck today.

I was stopped by a hand that pulled my arm and turn me around, both of his hands clenching my shoulders in a tight crushing grip. There’s very little space between us that our nose almost touched.

Despite what I do as a living, this distance is making me awfully uncomfortable, probably because his face is not something I see every day. He looked like he came out of a kdrama, now I know why the female protagonist see moments like this in slow motion.

“Jung Taekwoon?” my heart stopped at those words. I’ve never heard those words in such a long time. No one knew that name, how could he…

I pushed him away “How did you know that name?” but he smiled at my question, “It IS you, I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” on his face, a wide smile spread innocently, and he looked crazy.

“Who are you? What do you want?” I stepped back defensively, but the boy’s expression stayed friendly, too friendly, that cute toothy grin seems creepier by the minute.

“Ahahah okay, I’m sorry if I freak you out, but it’s just a lot to take in, seeing my step brother for the first time…” his eyes casted down as he smiled awkwardly, is he for real right now? What does he mean that HE has a lot to take in, I’M the one that…

 

Wait, step brother? Hold on…

 

His eyes went back to mine, now more confident, and me with more suspicion, “My name is Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol, your mother married my father 6 years ago, and I would like you to come and see her, she’s waiting for you.”

 

++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually love this story, but the more i edit it, the more i realized its actually 'meh'.
> 
> oh well tho.... hope u likey likey likey dugum dugum dugum ay ay


	2. Day 1 | Afternoon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making my way downtown  
> Walking fast  
> Faces pass  
> And I'm home-bound
> 
> Chanyeol and Taekwoon on a train ride~~ and Chanyeol seems clingy, Taekwoon hella confused

The buildings passed quickly, I never knew trains could go this fast. My eyes can’t look away from the window. The sound of the wheels chugging while the seat rumbles slightly, I never knew that riding a train would be this comforting.

Well, almost comforting.

I glance at my left, the young man called Chanyeol is focused on his laptop, and been like that for quite some time now.

He didn’t wear any suit, instead, just a loose cream turtle neck sweater and chocolate pants. The green fluffy sweater swallowed his figure till his chin, and with his hair down, made his small face shrink even more.

Smooth sharp chin, and round friendly almond shaped eyes, paired with proportional lips that always curved into a smile. To summarize, he looked like a cute puppy.

I don’t know much about him, but he is definitely not ‘someone like me’. Look at that smile, bright clear eyes, and pink lips, I bet he never inhale any nicotine or drink heavily. A good boy that got life good.

He frustrates me without doing anything. Why is he doing this? He could just move one without telling me anything, what’s the point in all this?

Well, it’s not my problem, it’s his now. He doesn’t know what I’ll do once I meet that woman, and man do I have some things to say.

I didn’t realize that I was staring until his eyes met mine, and again, he passes me a carefree smile… that I hate. I snap my face to the other side almost immediately.

I don’t know what is it about him that I just really can’t stand. Barging in and acting like nothing is wrong. Everything in this situation is wrong, but somehow, he can’t see any of it.

I leaned towards the window, away from him as possible. Suddenly feeling a bit uncomfortable.

This is weird, and wrong, and stupid of me, I realize that. Yet I didn’t stop myself when this child pulled my hand. He has my mother, if it weren’t for him, I don’t think I have this chance at all.

There’s tension in the air, weighing slightly on my chest and none of us do anything about it. We didn’t do any explanations, nor do we ask anything out of each other. I don’t know why he wouldn’t, because I was pretty sure that he would bombard me with question, but he didn’t say anything.

For me, I think it’s because I was afraid.

I don’t know why I’m doing this, knowing that my whole existence loathes her. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, there are anger, sadness, and grudge, all of them combined into this restless self, I need to smoke…

How on earth did I get myself into this?

_*the night they met, yesterday*_

_“My name is Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol, your mother married my father 6 years ago, and I would like you to come and see her, she’s waiting for you.” The stranger with innocent eyes exclaimed excitedly._

_‘she’s waiting for you’ if I knew my mother, then she wouldn’t say shit like that, but then again, I don’t ‘know’ my mother anymore, and I don’t know this guy._

_The teen in suits came to his senses, finally taking a few steps away from me to breathe “Ah, that sounded weird isn’t it? Well… but that is my intentions! But for now, would you like to meet my mo- I mean, your mother?”_

_My head is spinning. What did I just hear? Who is this again? My mom is not dead?_

_The thoughts in my head are mixed up together, and my brain hurts from processing all this, shaking my rationality._

_But, there is only one voice that spoke louder than the rest._

_“Okay”_

_I want answers._

*back to the present*

After that, he stayed overnight at some hotel, and here we are the next day. The Very Next Day.

EVERY parent told their kids to never go anywhere with a stranger, even my shitty mom told me that. Chanyeol’s, parents are going to have to send him back to study from kindergarten.

“Are you okay?” his deep voice suddenly hums, and it pulled me back to reality.

I still can’t get used to his baritone voice, it really didn’t suit his face.

“I’m fine” I brushed him off, I could hear him sigh and tuck his laptop away on his bag.

“I don’t know if you notice but you looked really scary! Do I upset you? Or are YOU upset? Or are you sick? Is it motion-sickness?” I spin my eyeballs to slightly see his face, and he tensed as we meet eyes.

Don’t tell me that he’s scared of me now…

“My face is always like this, I don’t show much expression, doesn’t mean I don’t want to, it just didn’t show.” I shrug, and he nods with a lighter breath.

“Oooh, so that’s why, ahaha, you’re a bit hard to read, and I thought you were angry at me for a second there.” He tries to lay back casually, but the stiffness of his crab leg limbs is noticeable for me.

Why is he nervous for? I’M the one that’s nervous here.

“Ah!” he exclaimed, and I jumped on my seat because of it, “Could it be that you’re nervous too?”

I… What… Is that all he wanted to ask? Does he really need to be that loud just for that? And why must he ask that? My questions of why this boy is anyway he is will never end, and best that I never asked them.

“I am… I haven’t seen my mother for 8 years, why wouldn’t I?” his face looked sympathetic, and suddenly, my hand was wrapped tightly with his. I was about to yank it away but his grip is harder than I thought.

His face is smiling stupidly again, “It’s okay! Everything will be just fine! I’m right here, leave it all to this guy!” his hand smacking his chest till it ‘thud’s, smiling all bright, carefree, and light… then coughed because he hits too hard.

I scoffed in amusement of this person. Living in the dark streets all my life, I’ve never seen people like him before, someone confident but didn’t sound like a jerk, but somewhat childish and… innocent?

How can he smile like that, knowing what I am. He must have been raised in a good and loving family. He knows love and warmth of another, those kindness that must’ve been thought to him. I wonder if this gesture and those words are from pity.

“Were you not disgusted knowing I’m a prostitute?” the hand on top of mine flinched and so does his face. He choked on his own spit and started coughing, I tried to stay back, horrified, what is he doing? WHY is he doing that?

He grips me tighter, its surprisingly crushing me, “OF COURSE NOT! I know you have your reason, I really don’t want to judge what you’re doing, but you’re a good person though! That’s enough for me!”

I breathe out, finally relaxing. I… he didn’t really need to yell… geez, that scared the living soul out of me. And that stupid smile again. I don’t need him smiling all the time, what is he doing it for anyway?

“You don’t know that, we met only yesterday”

“But I think you are! I have good sense for these types of thing! So, don’t bother with things like that!” I stare at him and narrowed my eyes, but I drop the topic anyway, there’s no use in debating with this kid.

Even after not saying anything, his hand stayed it mine, just place it like so. No groping, no innuendos, nothing, just innocent hand holding, which feels weird.

I glance his way again, I wonder if he realized how his face is slightly red from all that excitement. I don’t think he does, because now he’s leaning that small face uncomfortably close to me.

“What are you doing?” I questioned, but didn’t move away. Now, he’s so near that I could smell him, smelled sweet, like crushed apple and honey.

He grinned “Isn’t this exciting? I kinda feel excited, don’t you?” No, no I don’t, if anything I feel my heart is beating uncomfortably, but what is the use in arguing over this. I just pressed a smile and nod, “Sure”.

I didn’t say anything again, and just let him do whatever he wants. Letting a man I barely knew for 24 hours, hold my hand. I didn’t know why I put my guard down with him, maybe it’s because he didn’t mean to hurt. He’s like a child with no intention but to play, that I don’t feel the need to bare my fangs. On the opposite even, there is a strange urge to treat him like a puppy, and give him treats.

A presence of a stranger that calms me, it’s a first in my lifetime. Though the fact is uncomfortably odd, I didn’t feel any malice towards him, I should know who to put my guard up to.

Whatever, he’s just a person. Once I meet her with whatever outcome it will be, I won’t see him anymore. My gut is telling me that the outcome will chase me even further from her and him, which is good.

I don’t care about outcomes, I just want answers.

“AAH!” He screamed, my chest clenched. What is it NOW?

“I FORGOT, mum and dad are on vacation, they’re only coming back the day after tomorrow…” his face looked dumbstruck, and so was I.

I Can’t. Believe. This Child.

 

I slap his shoulder, hard, “You stupid!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the more I post on this book the more i realized how cringy it actually is, I'm sorry.


	3. Day 1 | Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon gets even more weird out

By the time we arrived in town, we head over to Chanyeol’s apartment. It was a simple room for 1 person, a small kitchen, a small tv area, one bed bedroom, and small dining table with only two chairs. It surprises me that he didn’t live with his parents. His home is a decent one, it’s not humid and has strong walls, but it’s as messy as Haeun’s room.

His clothes are hanged everywhere, the couch, the dining chairs, not even the TV is safe from his clothes. The kitchen table are packed with various stuff, I bet he eats on the floor. The sink is piled up with uncleaned dishes.

It’s either he didn’t expect me, or he’s that shabby.

I have my back pack that contains all my clothing, a few underwear, 3 pair of shirt and a pair of jeans, I have my only jacket and shoes on me. I don’t know what else to bring, I never really travel.

“Taekwoon, you can unpack here, I have an extra space for you” He called from his bedroom, which pass the kitchen area and the small desk attached to the wall. He called my name again, it felt weird.

As I enter his bedroom, it was just as messy as every other room in this apartment. There are various books, notes and cables all over. His laptop is on the floor on the corner below the window, because the working table seems to change its function into paper holder, and there are tall stacks there. 

When I see his cup board it was almost empty. No wonder he has an extra space for my clothing, his clothes are everywhere except the cupboard. My apartment was rundown but at least it was tidy.

I saw that he only had a single bed that was too small for 2 people.

“Where will I be sleeping?” Chanyeol froze and he looked back with that silly smile again.

I sighed in defeat, “I’ll sleep on the couch” “NO!” his yell automatically tensed me, why is he always shouting out of nowhere.

“You have the bed, since I’m such a generous host” I narrowed my eyes at his smile, I know he’s bragging about it.

“Fine”

 

He let me borrow his shower, and his comfy clothes, which fits me perfectly, we have the same body type after all. It was a long training pants and a warm hoodie. Since I’m here right now, I don’t think my piercings will look ‘normal’ here. I took off the long earrings and a few little beads and loops around my ears. Took off my fake lip ring as well. Now wondering if I should take off the one in my tongue… it won’t show anyway, I’ll keep it.

The sun in setting down when I got out of the bathroom. I smelled just like him now, a smell of apple and honey. Turns out it was a very common soap sold in every convenience store. I think I’ll buy it too when I get back.

I spotted another stranger sitting on the floor, typing furiously on his laptop while he sits lazily on the floor. His back in bent, and his eyes staring through his black rimmed glasses is sharp and emotionless. His hair, tied up in a pink scrunchie, it’s so pink and big I thought it was his hair. It took me a while to realize it was Chanyeol.

“Work?” I asked him softly, but he still managed to flinch.

His face froze on me for a few seconds before he manages to snap out of it “Ah you’re done, yeah, I’m taking leave from my job to meet you guys up”, what was that? Maybe it’s because now he sees my face without piercings, it’s not that different, isn’t it?

“I was about to extend my leave because I didn’t think it through as much as I originally want to.”

I raised my eyebrow, he even took a leave for things like this. Was that even necessary? “Why today? Why don’t just set in on the weekend? Or holidays?”

He shook his head “It has to be today, because it’s her birthday tomorrow, and I want to surprise her”. Her birthday, I didn’t even know her birthday, we never celebrate hers, or mine. So this ‘reunion’ is for her birthday…

Chanyeol stopped typing, and step closer to me. I was leaning and stepping backwards, but he finally caught me with his arms. He just hugged me out of nowhere. First it was the hand holding, now the hug, I don’t want to know what will come next.

“Are you always this clingy to people you don’t know?” one of my arms slipped from his grasp and pushed his face away. He didn’t let go, but his mushed face is amusing and funny, before he finally loosened his grasp.

“N-Not really… I just, I don’t know, you look like you needed a hug”

“I thought you said I’m hard to read” His eyes looked away and wondered for a second “Well, your expression barely shifts but, it just looks like I made you sad”

I raised my eye brow at him, and untie his grasp, but he still held my shirt “Are you upset?” He asked.

How stupid can this boy be? But, he’s not completely wrong, but it irked me at how he’s not curious about my background or what’s really going on but always so forward in asking how I feel. Isn’t the priorities kinda switched around?

“I am,” I confessed, so maybe then he could shut up about it,

“You know more about my mother than me” his smile turned upside down and it was the first time I saw his face not smiling and upset.

Now HE looked upset, and I can feel that he pitied me, I don’t care. I brushed his hand off gently, so he could let me go. The look of his face like the earlier brightness is just gone, it’s unnatural and more unsettling than I thought. He’s not really frowning, but not really smiling either. I have to stop teasing him like this,

“It’s not your fault, stop making a face like that, I’m not THAT upset”

He sighed, and just nod. I on the other hand, was surprised, did he literally just felt that horrible because I said I’m ‘upset’.

I don’t understand him at all.

“TAEKWOON!” He jumped from his bed and held my hand, again.

“There’s a night market near this area, I don’t have a lot of groceries for today’s dinner, accompany me there?” He ducked his head and showed me a puppy eyes move.

Oh, dinner, I never really put much attention to when I eat. I eat when I’m hungry. My eyes drifted back to his forcefully big eyes, it’s not like I can say no.

“Sure”

“YES” he throws his fist up in the air. He spun around and grab his jacket. Does such gesture really need in these types of occasion?

This boy is crazy.

 

++++


	4. Day 1 | Dusk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking down the streets, Taekwoon finally gets to smoke, and Chanyeol gets curious.

“May I?”

“O-oh, sure!” Chanyeol stutters as he gave me permission to smoke.

We are finally outside after the settling in is done and dusk came, means I didn’t smoke for nearly 10 hours, I was losing my mind. I light my cigarettes and puff them a few times, I inhaled deep till I can feel it fills my lungs to the deepest corner… and exhale long and hard.

Aaah, that hits the spot. I watched as the smoke oozes from my lips and fly free in the sky, it’s a view that I think kinda pretty for an activity this destructive.

I can feel his eyes on me, he really is such an open person. No innuendo at all, just straight up doing things he likes.

“What is it?” I asked as we continue walking to this night market.

“Ah, nothing just didn’t think you’re the type to smoke… Uh, why did you start smoking?”

Well that’s not nothing anymore isn’t it? And couldn’t he tell by my darkened lips? I was fidgeting the whole time too. Hmmm, the first time I smoked… ah, maybe it’s a bit personal after all, I shouldn’t tell him.

“I’ll tell you later.” Should’ve just said I wouldn’t, ever.

“Eeeeeeey~~” His face frowned comically as he boos in disappointment.

I chuckled at him. It was the first laugh I have in a very long time, I don’t know why but just him entirely is really amusing. I never really meet someone with this personality.

“All I can tell you is that I’ve been smoking for more than 10 years”, and I inhale another breath of smoke.

“A-Ah I see.” and he looked away, now he seems flustered, I gave up trying to define what his expression meant.

I look around that quiet neighborhood, this cozy small town, the clean and tidy alleys, this place fits him. I glance slightly towards him, and he looked comfortable as well. Yet again, he caught my eye.

“What is it?” he asked.

Just because I glance at you doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong. What a curious lil pup he is.

“Nothing, just thinking that this is such a peaceful town” it feels so comfortable here, but this is not my home, I don’t fit in here.

“You can live here if you want!” he cheered. That is not something you say to a stranger you just met. Yet now I understand that Chanyeol didn’t see me as a stranger. I don’t know what I am to him, a brother? A step brother? Oh hell no.

Chanyeol’s eyes are looking at me in such a pleading manner. This sudden closeness, just as I put my walls down, he really takes no time to be this close. It’s starting to fear me a bit, how I just let him in. I see him as nothing but a child, though I have to remind myself that he’s not.

“If I want to.” I shrugged, he nods politely, while leaving a wide yet empty smile. One of those polite smile, I wonder how long has he been doing those.

 

+++++


	5. Day 1 | Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's your momma?
> 
> Chanyeol shared his past, so does Taekwoon. Things getting a bit tense, Chanyeol having a hard time believing, and Taekwoon is being a little 'evil'.

The night market is lively. There is music, people promoting their products in their loudest voice, the sound and smell of food cooking, making my mouth water. Everything is bright and tinted in warm color.

In some stalls, Chanyeol waved and greet the people behind them. They were close enough to tolerate his finger guns. The smile is his face never fades away, I was mesmerized at how he could stay that way.

I was staring at his face the entire time he leads me around and stopped to one store or another. It seems that he didn’t buy anything at those stops, just chatting with a few people. It was so crowded that those people didn’t even know I was with him.

After a short while he turned to me, panicked, and relaxed like a switch after he realize I was right behind him.

“I thought I lost you! You didn’t speak at all!” I shrugged, why should I anyway. He held my hand and pulled me away from the crowd. It was an empty place between stalls, and a few people there were chatting and resting.

“Taekwoon, let’s buy some snacks, what would you like?” Snacks? That’s not why we’re here.

“I thought we were buying groceries, let’s stick to that…”

“BUT THERE’S SO MANY THINGS HERE!! C’mon! I’ll buy you!” now that’s an offer I never turn down, but what to buy… I was never really paid too much attention to eating.

“I…” Ah, I really want the one I just got my eyes on. Chanyeol leaned towards me in a curious stare, I backed off from the closeness.

“I wanted… sweet buns, and… candy, the candy that looked like fishes.” I seemed childish, didn’t I? I know I am, dammit, now he’s grinning like an idiot, he’s making fun of me!

“OKAY! Let’s go buy it! I know just the place!” He grabbed my hand, again, and pulled me back into the crowd.

We stopped at a stall where an old man is skillfully handling the hot taffy like melted sugar in a hot pan. There were a few already done, some formed in flowers and some in beautiful leaping fishes.

“Won Pil Ahjusshi!!!!” Chanyeol blared his deep voice, and the old man didn’t seem to be surprised at that.

“Chan!!!! How are you kiddo!! Here, have some candy!” He handed him the flower one, that one is pretty too. Chanyeol didn’t take it, but he pushed me instead.

“This is my friend, he would love the fishes one!”

Ack! This is so embarrassing! I didn’t know this man! Why would he give anything to me? He already gives me a candy, Chanyeol is such a…

“Here you go kiddo! But promise me to eat something first before eating candy, you look so skinny!” The wrinkly dark hand handed me a beautiful bronze fish candy, ah, it looked so cute. I was touched that he would give it to me.

I took it hesitantly “Thank you… is it really okay?”

“Of course!! A friend of Chanyeol is also a friend of mine! And Chan has helped me a lot opening this stall.” my head resonated the word ‘son’. His aged face wrinkles as he smiled warmly, it’s contagious.

“Welp we’re gonna tour around ahjusshi! Thanks for the candy!” Chanyeol waved, and so does Won pil ahjusshi.

After that he brought me over to a bread stall, and he knew the auntie that sells them too. She told me the same thing, I was skinny, and a kid. This ‘kid’ is 24 years old, but I don’t bother to correct them since they are giving me stuff and warm smiles, that oddly make my cheeks tingles.

We bought a couple of hotdogs, a big serving of tteokbokki, and two serving of kimchi fried rice. I did remind him that we need groceries, so we bought a few vegetables, and meat, with a few drinks.

Both of our hands are occupied. He really bought a lot, and quiet mindlessly as well. I can’t even buy all this stuff even if I saved for a week. From his apartment, I thought he would at least buy things more carefully, since it’s pretty minimal.

I put his groceries away while he made the table, and I put my candy and sweet buns away, and eat the kimchi fried rice and tteokbokki with him. I hummed as the chewy tteokbokki bounce of my teeth, it’s warm and perfectly seasoned.

Chanyeol knocks his head back and moaned “Aaaaahhh Mangchi omoni’s tteokbokki is the beeest” yeah, that’s how I feel exactly, but not as sexual as Chanyeol made it sounds like.

I don’t have these kinds of street foods in my neighborhood, since none of them wanted to sell their stuff in a ‘bad area’, maybe if it’s a little further away. I’ll try to find these types of food back home too.

We eat in complete silence and I could feel Chanyeol’s aura of discomfort, he always seems like he has to say something, such a busy body. I’m not going to say anything about this, let him drown in this so called awkward silence.

 

The food is delicious, I ate more than I usually do, and for the first time, I feel like there’s something on my stomach. I thank him for treating me to dinner, and he treats it like it’s nothing, still wearing that smug smile, of course.

We crack open two cans of beer and hangout on the veranda. After asking another permission, I smoked again. The night market can be seen from the veranda, and another apartment is right across from here.

“Today is fun, isn’t it?” Chanyeol nudge my shoulder with his.

“Yes, today is definitely not like my usual days.” I shrugged.

“Then what’s your usual days like?” Chanyeol leaned onto me even closer with that honest curious eyes. I leaned back a little, not comfortable with the current distance. Though I’ve been approached closer, I gave up trying to figure out why he’s different.

“I sleep the entire day, smoke, drink, and the rest of the night I would hangout on the streets and just wait anyone that have interest in me, and depending on my energy I can go…”

A hand landed on my mouth “SORRY! I don’t want to know after all!” he yelled with a red face. I chuckled, what a kid, I thought he already knew what he’s getting. Chanyeol paused and looked away, mumbling something, I can’t make up.

I wonder what he sees me as, my ‘job’ seems to always slip his mind, even though it’s the only thing people see.

“Tomorrow, I have band practice” he mentioned, and I’m not surprised, he looked like the type of guy who would join a band.

“Cool.”

“Come with me!” he clutches my sleeves, tugging my colar to almost exposing my shoulder, and I just don’t bother anymore.

What is he? He’s just like an annoying little brother, well I guess… he kinda is? No, I don’t want to admit that.

“I have no choice here, am I?” He gleefully smiled, and shook his head, cheeky man.

We sip more of our beer, and I smoked more. Finally, it feels warm and relaxing. I’ve been on edge, though it’s not more than usual, still. I’m so close in seeing the woman that yank a scar in me. Making me feel on edge even when she’s not in my mind.

Goddamn I hate that bitch.

“You don’t need to be nervous you know, mom is… I don’t know how she’s with you, but… she was more of a mother to me than my birth mother ever is, I was…” he paused as his eyes glance towards the concrete 4 stories below.

Oh, he’s opening up to me? The way he cast his eyes down and shut his lips means that he crawled back to his shell. That’s not fair, after piquing my interest like that…

“Tell me, if you do, I’ll tell you why I started smoking.” His eyes look up in interest, and he sighed.

“My birth mother, was abusive…” ah so it happens to him too, that’s… unexpected… and pretty out of nowhere. I guess he’s kinda right when he went back to his shell earlier, well it’s too late now.

“She wasn’t always like that, I don’t know since when, but she started to beat me, cheat on my dad by bringing men home, even when I was there. Mother would threaten me if I said anything to dad, but dad already knew, whenever she’s drunk at home she will spout off everything, and…” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hands rubbing both of his arms like he tried to comfort himself.

I was surprised, to think that this kid, that’s been all happy dandy, have something similar to me. Him. Can anyone believe that?

“… my dad didn’t take it well, he was devastated, and so am I, in the end, mother took dad’s bank account, her jewelries, and leave, but dad managed to block the card before she could take anything more. After a lot of fighting, and yelling, they finally agree on a divorce, then a few years later, I met your mom.” He smiled brightly at that.

“Mom, always cooked me breakfast before school. She asked me how my day is, we go to trips, she hugs me, kisses me, I felt like I truly have a mother, a real loving mother” my hand gripped tighter at the roll of smoke in my hand, it’s crooked and limp now, useless.

That didn’t sound like my mother, not at all. She never does that stuff to me, never in my life, “That doesn’t sound like my mother at all” I chuckled pathetically as my voice shakes.

I feel like a wave of heat crawled down my back. My hand clenching into a ball and shakes. There’s an unsettling lump in my heart, like a hand choking my neck and I can’t breathe. I’m so upset till my blood boils, and Chanyeol seems to know that, he didn’t say anything at all.

I wasn’t angry at him, but at my mother. Or is it? I don’t know anymore, what I felt right now is just so… nasty.

“Now, let me tell you why I smoked…” I smirked, and his face froze, not even a wink, and not one expression.

“My mother brought her costumer home, a fat man reek in perfume. After he’s done with my mother, he wanted… me.” I inhale another good breath from my cigarette, trying to make this relapsing memory bearable.

“I was 10, and it was incredibly painful. He forced himself on me, and I bled, my mother was in the next room, letting it all happen. After all of those pain, he gave me money, I’ve never seen that much cash before… then I realized that the nights where my mother disappeared to was spent with guys like him… I cried at the pain, at the disgusting feeling. I cried to my mother, begging her to tend me, to stop the pain, and the bleeding, she didn’t even look at me” I chuckled at the memory, ah why do I still remember those unbothered eyes, the cries of my young self is still ringing in my ear.

I inhaled the tip poking between my fingers, taking the smoke as much as I can to stop the voices.

“I kept crying and crying, I guess I annoyed her, and finally, she stuck a cigarette in my mouth, the one that she was smoking, she said, ‘smoke this Taekwoon, inhale deep, get used to it, this will make all the pain go away’. I can’t stop coughing when I take my first breath, but she hates hearing me cry, and pressed her hands to my mouth, forcing me to smoke it more. Surprisingly, it does work, it takes a few minutes for me, or maybe it's because I was suffocating that I didn’t realize the pain… I don’t remember that part.” The smoke in my hand burns out till the fire almost meet my finger.

“Even after that, I never come to loathe her that much, she’s the only one I had, whether I want it or not. I sold my body, so she didn’t have to, yet how did she repay me? She left, lying to my 16-year-old self that she’ll be back.”

I took another from my cigarette box and light it, taking a good amount of into my lungs and exhale with my nose. My anger decreased only lightly, though I feel calmer now, maybe because I feel tired, I never talked this much in one go.

“I guess we’re kinda the same, we got some bad blood with our mothers, lucky me that she only spits venom at me, and not beat me up.” I chuckled lightly, it sounded like a scoff, oh well. I can’t believe that even someone like Chanyeol gone through something similar to me. Never would’ve thought so when he always smiled like that.

“What do you think of her now?” I look towards him, and immediately feel regret.

His face looked dark, and confused. That’s new, what a sight to be seen. I can even see him sweating, and his hands trembling. I pity him, the loving mother he adores is not what he thought she was. It seems that he never knew this side of her.

I knew how that feel, in a way, I think I know.

I blow the all the smoke in my lungs away, and move closer to the confused boy “You don’t have to believe me, you can just um… think that I’m entertaining you”

“H-how could I be entertained with that sort of stories.” Chanyeol looked at me, almost like he’s worried, now that’s a face I never see.

I smiled, trying to ease him. Weird, some of my costumers always liked that story, “Sorry, I guess stories like these are too scary for you, we lived quiet differently after a--”

“Was that true?”

I stopped and contemplate for a moment. Do I tell him? His face when I told him is not settling well with me. Why do I even care? He’s the one that wanted to know so badly.

“Yes”

He tenses, with mouth pressed shut and hands clenching till it paled. His eyes didn’t even look at me. Speechless, it almost looked like the happy carefree kid before never existed, now trying to hold back the old scar he tried to bury down.

I wonder… how he will turn out if I just… push him further. Is there another layer in him that’s truer than his happy self? Perhaps a layer that resemble…me.

“Your birth mother is no different from mine, but even though she did that to me, you wouldn’t care, she’s nice to you, right?” the uncaring smile didn’t pop out as I hoped.

Why can’t he just admit it? He’s taking my mother from me, and doesn’t feel a slight guilt because she loved him, say it!

“A monster is no longer seem a monster when they fell in love, and it felt all the sins they did were invisible, or maybe even gone, isn’t that how you feel?”

We didn’t know each other after all, I’m nothing to him, he wouldn’t give a shit if it happened to me, because he has it all now. We are not that different, we have these nasty feelings, right? I envied him to filth, and he feels superior to me, I will make him say it.

I leaned down to meet his eyes, demanding an answer, “Do you still love her? After what she had done to me, the same thing your birth mother did to you, do you still love her?” he didn’t answer, that frustrates me.

“Do you believe me, or your mother? I’m a stranger after all, but I’m still her son, but again, she’s been SO good to you, hasn’t she?” still nothing.

I wanted to shove him, making him look my way, but he held onto my shoulder before I could touch him at all.

The innocent puppy look is now gone, I didn’t know what this frowning face meant, “I love my mother, the one I have right now, a-and I’m sorry that she did those things to you.”, his voice shaking, his eyes glimmer with water, but nothing drops. A face so hurt that it actually made me feel guilty.

Ah, he’s different from me no matter what.

“People change, she’s not like that anymore, do YOU believe me?”

I scoffed. Poor Chanyeol, I don’t know whether to pity or laugh at his desperate face.

“We’ll see about that”

 

++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOA that's a long chapter. SO whaddaya think bout this look into Chanyeol's and Taekwoon's past? They aren't so different eh? I tried to make Taekwoon a bit evil, envy brings out the nasty in people after all. A lot happened in a day, I was starting to think if this is realistic or not... but then again, anything can happen in a fanfiction ayyyyyyyyy.


	6. Day 2 | After Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lil baby don't cry~~
> 
> v short chapter of Taekwoon waking up in the middle of the night, and hears a ghost.

Of course, I was kidding when I said I’m taking his bed. I told him to sleep on his bed and I’ll take the couch. He didn’t take it too well, insisting that I slept on the bed. It’s just uncomfortable for me to sleep in someone else’s bed. After pondering, and talking a bit too far about it, here I am in the couch, with his only pillow, and a blanket.

I woke up in the middle of the night, the clock on the wall says it’s 2 o’clock. I can’t sleep, I’m usually awake at night, now I’m wide awake.

Oh, I still have that candy. I sit up, then I hear a sobbing cry, the sound is barely clear. I sit still, maybe even hold my breath, just so I can really listen, but the sound is no more.

I’m imagining it.

The fish shaped candy was in the fridge, still in its fullest glory. I took off the plastic wrapper, and lick its fin. It’s sweet with a little burnt taste, just like how I imagined it.

The night is quiet, and the sobbing sounds clearer, I know I’m not imagining it this time. Is it some kind of ghost? I’ve never seen one before, it will be interesting if I could see one. I followed the sound of the sobbing, which is not too far.

The door to Chanyeol’s bedroom is open, he was lying sideways with his neck crooked because he didn’t have a pillow, and tears streaming from his eyes, creating a wet patch on the sheet.

He’s crying.

I would’ve never imagine him to cry this defenselessly, though earlier tonight, I was pushing him off the edge. Was this because of me? Because of what I said to him? Or maybe his neck feels so uncomfortable it made him have nightmares?

I walked slowly, and kneel beside his bed, still licking my candy, savoring the taste. Such a childlike face is crying, it reminds me of Haeun noona’s child. I hope he’s is fine…

I should pretend this never happen, but should I really?

After listening to him earlier tonight, now I know that he doesn’t always have it good huh? He went through the same thing I did, difference is, he has his father. I shouldn’t care if he’s crying.

I know I shouldn’t feel a shred of pity towards this incredibly lucky man.

I turn around back to the sofa, and come back with the pillow. Slowly, lifting his head and place it on the pillow. He shifted slightly, and adjust himself to the pillow, good that I didn’t wake him up. I patted his tears, gently, so that he won’t wake up from his calm slumber, and pulled his blanket up to cover his shoulder.

When he stands he looked like a light pole, but now he’s all curled up in bed, snuggled in his blanket. So defenseless, and peaceful now, his cute little face looks innocent when he sleeps, again, just like a child.

Look at him sleeping so soundly, maybe if I didn’t say anything, his night would’ve been calm. When will I have those calm nights?

Why do I feel like it isn’t fair? My life always been this horrible since the day I was born. Never really know if I have a decent childhood, then again, I don’t know how it’s supposed to be. My days in elementary school has diffused into nothing.

My entire childhood days are spent stealing, selling myself, doing all the legal and illegal things to keep my mother happy as she keeps doing illegal things. But him? Life gave him mercy, why am I different? Is it because I’ve gone ‘sinned’ so far that I don’t deserve happiness?

I guess that’s how it is, the universe, and whatever deity living up there or down there or wherever, is punishing me.

I wonder, if I was as good as him, will my life turn out differently? But what’s the point in thinking about that? Everything is already done, there is no turning back from what I am.

I walked out of his room, sitting beside the window while I eat my candy. It’s so sweet. I remember begging my mother to buy me one of these, yet she dragged me to move on anyway.

Now I have it, yet why am I not happy? I guess that’s a part of the punishment too huh?

 

 

++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told ya it's short, I didn't remember why i made this chapter back then......... but thanks for tuning in anywayyy


	7. Day 2 | Morning Through Noon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliation + "Date"
> 
> Under the sea~~~~

It feels like my mind and body is floating on a cloud. Never thought I could feel so comfortable sleeping in my mattress, feeling like my body sunk in and hugged. I moved around, feeling snug under a very soft cover. I don’t remember putting a blanket in my body last night, or remember of owning any.

The light that pierced through my eyelids telling me it’s day already. I don’t mind, it didn’t get me any less sleepy. I tuck myself into a ball, getting even more comfortable and let myself sunk in more. I’m drifting back to sleep… until I smelled something that turning the motor in my stomach.

I smelled food… has she come home?

“Morning sleepy head!!” A loud deep voice boomed, I think my ears are buzzing… or maybe it’s a sound of sizzling?

“Up Up!! I got some toast and eggs and cereals and all that goodies” I hear stomping heading towards me, and I cover myself before that giant—

“UPSIE DAISY!!” He yanks my blanket away, and my skin crawled at the sudden coldness. Before I could argue, he already pulled my hand and my entire body to stand up.

“C’mon! After this, we’re going out!!” I wonder why his lips are not ripped when he smiled that wide.

I was sure things would be awkward after yesterday, and now he’s forcing to smile even more. I shouldn’t really have done that, it was petty of me. Ugh, what have I done?

Even when we’re eating, he still has that smile. It was a breakfast dish that I thought only appeared out of commercials and movies, never really thought people it for real.

We ate in silence, it was not bad, but his eyes are always moving to look at something to focus on and thinking of a word to say, he’s making me feel anxious too.

This is because yesterday isn’t it… I have to make up for it, even though we only have a day left, none of us will survive under this tension. He’s been nothing but nice with me too, at least I’m the one that has to apologize first.

“Thank you for the cooking, let me do the dishes” I get up from my chair, and took my plate with all the empty ones.

“NO! It’s fine! You don’t have to!” Chanyeol chuckled, pausing a little. I can almost see the sweat building on his skin, he’s thinking of what to say again. He’s pretty transparent huh… he’s showing his restlessness pretty clearly.

“At least let me do this, and I’m sorry for yesterday, I make things awkward, and if you’re worried about it, I’m fine, I don’t feel offended or anything like that” His eyes on me didn’t move for a few seconds, a frozen face, not knowing that to say or what to do.

I sighed, I put the plate away and pat his fluffy and surprisingly soft hair “I’m okay, so calm down, and don’t worry about anything.” I tried to calm him with the same words he repeated to me yesterday.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, never really calmed any grown adult before, and he doesn’t feel like an adult to me.

He still has the same look, but I know he listened to what I just said.

“Okay, I’m sorry if I’m insensitive too”

“Apology accepted, now, after you’re done, give me your plate too”

Picked up the plates and washed them. He gave me his plate and thank me for doing the dishes. I think he’s gone back to normal, I think, I don’t know which one is normal with him.

After I’m done cleaning the dishes, he’s already dressed ready to go out. I wore the same leather jacket, pants, and shoes, but a different shirt this time, a simple dark green cotton shirt. Since this city is not that cold.

He said we’re going out today, but I have no idea where he’s taking me.

We’re outside and Chanyeol looked back at me, “I have no idea where we’re going”

 

Wow.

 

“Where do you wanna go? We’re free till 7 pm.” What? Why does he made me choose? I don’t know where I’m gonna go… I’m not from here.

“We have amusement parks, regular parks, cafés, aquariu-”

“Aquarium…” I never gone there before, I saw on tv’s and they just looked… surreal.

“You wanna go to the aquariums?” Chanyeol leaned towards me with a grin. I nod, a little too hard than necessary. I can’t believe it, I’m actually going there.

.

.

We arrived within a short train ride. We enter a very wide area with a big over decorated gate with statues and any inanimate form of sea life. There were people with shark costume, and ones with big-headed jellyfish. The ‘festive’ subtle semi loud theme park jingle doesn’t seem to decrease the further we walk. And there is just so much empty space.

“It’s not the national holiday, and this is not a weekend, so things are slow” ahh, so that’s why.

We enter the big main building that looked like a blue dome from the outside, inside was darker than I had imagined. The tanks were in the distance, glowing in a soft blue light, and it’s getting bigger as I approach it. When it was finally in front of my face, the tanks are triple my own height and the moving creatures turns out to be real.

There are individual tanks, there are jellyfishes, piranhas too? They’re smaller than I had imagined. There’s even a sea dragon, which is smaller than I expected too. I mean, Sea, DRAGON, I was expecting something as big as a whale, but the little thing is still pretty.

There are so many areas! And there are even touch pools! The starfishes are harder than I had thought, and there are sea cucumbers that feels so squishy that I want to mush ‘em.

I didn’t stay long there, because there are sea otters! Turtles! I can touch turtles too, they’re so big… and their shells are... like shells! There are little fishes that nibbles the skin of my hand as well, they are cute! And they made my skin feel tingly.

There’s one biggest tank of all with a tunnel inside it. Does that mean it’ll feel like I’m inside the sea? I have to go under there!

“WAIT Taekwoon you’re moving too fast….” Chanyeol grabbed my hand and stopped me. Have I really? It’s not like I’m running.

“You were running everywhere I almost lost you.” oh, I was running... I must’ve seem like a kid. Should I really care at this point?

He’s still holding my hand as he catches his breath, he’s overreacting, I didn’t run THAT fast… do I?

“I never gone to the aquarium before…” I confessed.

“Really? Ever? Not like, in your entire life???” I shook my head. I don’t have any tourist spots in my city. What’s it known for was, well, people like me.

He stood there with an o-face while still holding my hand, not knowing if he realized it or not. I feel a bit awkward, but I’m trying to get used to it, since I can’t always pull my hand away, would waste too much energy.

I look to the side where the fishes passed. There are small and brightly colored ones, and the big and grey ones. How fascinating, that creatures like this exist in the same place as I am right now. They swam freely in such close distance, separated by a mere glass.

It just never crossed my mind, what exist in the world. I never cared so much outside the bubble of my life, but now I’m here, outside, and it’s wonderful.

The grab on my hand tighten, “Wanna go inside the tunnel?” he smiled, with his eyes smiling too.

“I was about to until you stopped me”

.

.

.

IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE YOU’RE INSIDE THE OCEAN. Oh, it’s incredibly so pretty! The schools of bright green fishes just pass through me, swimming away to the further part of the ocean. There is this slow fish with fins going vertical instead of horizontal. I can’t stop giggling at its face! Its fins are flapping desperately but it didn’t move anywhere! It’s just too hilarious.

There are big giant slow fish, till the little ones that hides between the pretty corals. There are bright slow silver school of fish at the bottom of the sand, it’s coin fish? Okay I’m making that up. Sharks… there are sharks… it’s hovering above me.

I… this is all real.  I can’t breathe… I can’t believe I’m inside the ocean!!

I feel like my heartrate quickened, I never felt this excited seeing so many pretty animals. My face feels strained because I can’t stop smiling!

I’m following my eyes to one fish and another, spinning around like I’m swimming under the sea. The reflection of the lights pierced through the rippling water, showing strands of lights dancing beautifully as they surround me. The lights landed on the floor, and on me, making me one with their world. There’s no noise but the light ripple from the water, mute without any human noise.

What a peaceful beautiful world. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could stay here forever.

 

I realized I wasn’t swimming when my chest bumped with Chanyeol’s when I turned. It was a pretty hard bump, because I was spinning it made me lose balance, but Chanyeol caught me by the elbows.

“Woah there, careful, you’re like a tornado over there.” Chanyeol chuckled with his bass voice, and pull me up.

Then… he just stood smiling at nothing after he chuckled, and I would’ve gone back to see more if he could let go my elbows now. I wanted to shrug him off, but I know his maiden heart would crack with simple gestures, and I don’t think I can either, because his grip packed a strength.

I was about to tell him to let go, till I saw his face, where the lights danced on him too. There were no sound surrounding us in this sea, surrounded by beautiful fishes that swim carefreely. The light dancing on his face twinkles, his deep dark irises reflecting the lights, twinkling like stars.

Captivated might been the right word to describe how I feel, like the time just stopped. He doesn’t move, I don’t move, the world goes on, but we stopped. I wouldn’t dare to move, wanting to drink into this view for as long as I can. For once he stopped trying so hard to smile.

He smiled lightly, glowing in a pure joy, I wonder what he thinks to show such expression. The warmth of his body is radiating through mine, made me feel as comfortable as this morning under the blanket. His kind face looking at me with such a gentle expression I didn’t know what to make up what that means. It’s the first time someone ever looked at me that way, it’s shaking my steady heartbeat.

His eyes nailed onto mine, sparkling the similar pattern of light, there’s an ocean inside his eyes, and I’m being sucked in.

His eyes blinked, and the look on his eyes aren’t fixated on me anymore. He finally noticed that I was being held captive by him, and he let go immediately, and tried to find something to say “S-So? Which one is your favorite? I-I mean which fish?”

I blinked at the sudden question, snapped out of that weird momentary daze.

My… my favorite fish? Oh… that fish!

I snap my head into the direction where that slow fish must still be.

“That one!!” I pointed that awkwardly shaped fish, the one that has horizontal fins.

I grabbed his hand and pull him closer to the awkward, puckered lipped fish “That one is so cute don’t you think??”

He paused, staring at my face, and followed by an airy laugh, “You’re smiling, never thought you can.”

His eyes smiled at me, and my chest felt a bit heavy for a second, “Of course I can”, and feel my face warmed up. I wonder why, I’m not smoking, why do I feel this hot.

His hand reaches out to mine, there he goes gabbing people’s hands again, but his fingers only manage to hold my pinkie finger, “They… probably have a few sunfish merchandise, d-do you… let’s buy them!” he looked down to our hands and hurriedly let go, his face is red.

Pfft, what was that? I was ready for his hand, but this is making him looked even weirder. I wonder if he’s like that with his friends, isn’t it weird for a guy to keep on reaching out to another guys hand? Even I know that.

And, he’s buying stuff for me again, even after the food haul yesterday. Hmm, but it’s not like I don’t want to, so I nod my head. I turned around, there’s still more of this tunnel.

“Taekwoon…” Chanyeol called for me meekly, and I stopped to look back, meeting his down casted eyes.

Why is he suddenly being shy? It’s so shocking that the loud-mouthed narcissist suddenly looks like a fragile puppy, but he already proofed his range of emotion can be very wide.

His face is still red, “I… I don’t know how things going to turn out but… If you want to, let’s hangout again!” so that’s what making him bashful…

A couple of dudes hangin’ out is pretty normal, but that does sounds like asking someone a date. Poor him, I wouldn’t know how to ask a guy friend to hangout too…

Having days like this again, I won’t ever mind it at all. Seeing beautiful things, with this shy and cheerful guy, that doesn’t sound bad at all.

But the both of us are different people, he surely too, soon will…

“Sure, call me up anytime.” such a simple lie can brighten him up so easy.

 

 

+++++++++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make a heartfelt moment there, but i think it aint that deep... i tried to describe something pretty... and you know... i just loves those ripples when you're underwater at a pool, there's this webs of light.... i went to an aquarium once with one of those tunnels, and mannn its pretty....
> 
> and the next post gonn be sometime next week.... I think lol


	8. Day 2 | Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol is flapping his arms, yapping his mouth, and Taekwoon is Taekswooned.
> 
> ft Sehun, Kai, and Kyute Kyungsoo

Well I’ll be damned, they even have a sunfish plushies. Sunfish supposed to be cute but the plushies version are horrific. They print a realistic picture of a sunfish into a pillow, in result, a creature that looked like it lurked in the dark to suck your soul, begging you to end their lives.

So, I picked a mini keychain illustration of a sunfish instead.

The day ended at 5 pm, with ice cream on both of our hands and smile on our face, looking all buddy-buddy and girly. I’m surprised at myself at how fast things escalated, or how comfortable I am with all this.

I have to admit, Chanyeol is applaudable. He always has something to say, always have a few jokes up on his sleeves. An entertaining fellow might I say. I never talked as much as I am with Chanyeol, but when I didn’t, he never pushed me, and continue to talk about himself. Whether it’s boasting about his band, his friends that he mentioned that were too many for me to remember, but staying away from the subject of his family, knowing I’m sensitive towards it.

It’s never boring the entire journey with him, hearing him talk, it’s actually quite nice. Sometimes he made me laugh, sometimes I was engaged with his story, it’s refreshing to know the stories outside my life circle. It feels like it was off my mind for a little while.

The train ride is silent yet again, but I can see that Chanyeol is not trying to say anything this time. It was a bit weird, I was waiting for him to blab something, but then I see him with eyes fluttering close. It didn’t take long until his head hanging low, completely asleep, his body is swaying back an forth.

I took his shoulder, and support his head, slowly place his head on my lap, this way he won’t fall head first. It feels like having a big dog in my lap, he’s surprisingly heavy despite how skinny he looked. There is an elderly woman in the same train as ours, and she’s looking so intently at me. I think she misjudge us.

“He’s just my friend, sorry.” she sighed in relief and smiled at me.

I woke him up when our station is here. He stood up, but his legs got lanky and he dropped to the floor, face first… I laughed nonstop while helping him up.

Ow, my cheek muscles.

 

Chanyeol is so bent at going home first before going to this band gig of his. Turns out he wanted to wear his cool sleeveless Deadpool shirt for the band night, while I didn’t change, too much of a bother.

The place is underground, called the Black Pit, whatever that meant. Chanyeol leads me down the stairs, as the door hums violently. The inside were pretty were dark, with the only lights glaring at the band currently playing. Showing the full case of the players banging the shit out of their heads while the drums beats in rhyme with the guitar. The crowd in the middle is also banging their heads to the beat.

What is this madness?

Chanyeol didn’t lead me further into the room, he dropped me by the crowd area, “Okay I’m gonna bring my friends here after we perform, enjoy!!” he screamed and rushes into the crowd, gone.

He didn’t even let me say to not bother, why should I make friends with his friends? Why am I even doing here? I should stay back in his apartment, chainsmoking till I passed out because I’m meeting the demon tomorrow.

Shit, I need to smoke.

That reminds me, I only smoke once when we got out of the aquarium. Ah, I’m really itching for it now.

I saw some people smoke inside the building. I followed them, and stood at the furthest back of the room where only a few people there smoking near the ventilation fan, and still got a nice view of the stage. The room is dimly lighted, people near the stage jumping with the beat with their hands up. A rock band with a female vocalist, all of them screaming their throats off. It was way too rock for my taste.

After they’re finished, the next band is up. A guy with a Deadpool tee showed up, it’s Chanyeol’s band. Chanyeol was on drum, two people on guitar, and a very short vocalist. Their song is more pop than rock, it has a good beat, made me tap my feet to it. He was not joking when he boasts about his band earlier, they’re pretty good.

The crowd is screaming harder than the previous one. All of the members in the stage are in a trance, playing with such passion. What surprise me, in the middle of the song, Chanyeol raps, surprisingly well too. I can’t help but smile in amusement, this boy can always surprise me.

Chanyeol, moving his hand lightly yet could create such a loud beat, his lips pressed on the mic lightly as it continues to deliver words without end. His deep voice delivered the words so smoothly, I could hear everything he said on the fast tempo. It was admirable.

He smiled freely, more like a child, without restraint. His soul is in this place, he found his place, isn’t that nice?

He really has everything.

Chanyeol’s band played two more songs, and then they bid goodbye.

True to his words, he brought his friends to me, I groaned mentally as I saw them, do I really have to meet his friends too? The three of them are in similar height with him, then the one vocalist that’s the only short one is staring at me with his round eyes.

“Guys, here’s Taekwoon, the one I was talking about”

“Oh, your step brother, right?” one of the tall ones said.

He already told them about me? Well, that saves me a lot of potential awkwardness, don’t have to be here with al the explanations and watching their reaction.

“Kai” a tall one with thick lips pushes Chanyeol away, smiled, and extended his hands. Out of courtesy, I shook his hand.

“Sehun” a guy with glaring eyes nods at me.

“Kyungsoo” the vocalist came closer to me, and he’s even shorter than I had imagined. Big round eyes, round soft face, thick eye brows, and a slight frown on his plump heart shaped lips.

He’s adorable, painfully so adorable.

“You’re cute” the word just slipped out, only because it’s the fact. The three of them knocked their heads back and laughed maniac, except for the victim that now could only blush.

“See? Everyone is calling you cute, that jacket is NOT making you manlier!” The guy named Kai playfully laughed at the poor guy. If anything, the red puffy jacket he wears is making him looked like angry bird.

I remembered that I still have a lit cigarette in my hand, I took another puff, and put it out.

“You have a tongue piercing? That’s cool” Sehun pointed out, I forgot to take it off at all.

“Yeah, it’s alright”

“WAIT you got a tongue piercing?” Chanyeol was purely shocked, and so am I.

“I wore it all this time, you didn’t know?” I stuck my tongue out and show them. I could hear the cute Kyungsoo ‘ooh’, and that Kai guy whistled. I laughed at him after I closed my mouth, I can’t believe he didn’t know, all this time.

“Is there a reason you got a piercing there?” Sehun asked.

A glance at his face and I already knew, the eyes that sees me as a prey, eyes of my ‘costumers’. His eyes that stare at me knowingly, and I smirked. He’s not bad, but I’m not working tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe some other time, or maybe it doesn’t have to be business.

“OOOOKAY, since we’re done, let’s go home!” Chanyeol got in between us, grabbing my shoulder and pulled me away from Sehun. I could see those glaring eyes squint in suspicion, I would too, what’s with Chanyeol being like this? Never thought of him as the territorial kinda guy, furthermore towards me.

“But you never go right back home after a show” the short one said stoically, catching on the weird vibes.

“Yeah, there’s a new club opened a block from here, I know the owner, he’ll let us in right away.” Kai stepped in too.

“Taekwoon can come too, it’s okay with you, right?” Sehun asked me as he moved away from Chanyeol, back into my field of vision.

I am not a type of person to party, or any place crammed with people. Yet, I’m intrigued.

“Well, I would if Chanyeol let me.” I leaned towards the poor clueless Chanyeol, and he got flustered.

“Let loose Chanyeol! I promised you the place is nice af. They’ll even give you discounts on the drinks!” Kai sling his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Sehun also sling his arm over him, “Yeah, you always down for an after party.”

It caught me off guard, but even the cutie Kyungsoo stepped in “You’re weird Chanyeol…”

“OK FINE LET’S GO! I SWEAR IF THE DISCOUNT YOU PROMISED IS A LIE I’M STEPPING OUT.” all of them hoorayed, as Chanyeol put up a tired smile. Wow, he really didn’t want to go huh? But it doesn’t seem that he wouldn’t do these types of things.

 

Without looking back to their dejected friend, the three of them marched out. Me and Chanyeol followed behind, just a little slower so we walked together separately.

“Don’t worry, I’m okay with going.” I knocked shoulder with Chanyeol, almost instantly, he wiped off his down face.

“It’s not that… I… I just feel bad dragging you into this, you must be tired, right?” Chanyeol had a friendly smile on his face, he tried to at least, I don’t know what it’s for now.

“I’m not, if anything, you all should be the one whose tired, you guys played hard.”d

“Yup, we put our heart out right there, it’s what makes a good stage!” Chanyeol buffed his chest, proudly stating that, looking hilariously comical.

“You looked really happy out there Chanyeol.”

Ah, I don’t have to say that, I just want to cheer him up, but that sounds so off!

“And cool! You looked cool, you’re the only guy that looked cool with arms flapping everywhere, and mouth blabbering words.” wow, nice coverage me.

“Pffft, of course I’m cool, I’ve been practicing that sick beatsies for weeks!!” Oh my God what term did he just use? Beatsies?? Pffft.

As me and Chanyeol talked, Sehun looked back towards me with the same gaze. His eyes glanced at me from top to bottom before he looked away.

Hmm, persistent, isn’t he? But, still, I’m not working, and he’s not going to get anything for free.

 

++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i say kyungsoo is cute already? yeah he's cute, don't fight me on this.
> 
> one of these days imma make a taekwoondo


	9. Day 2 | Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walk in to the club like what up I got a big COCK BLOCK

Kai high fived the beefy bouncer outside the humming building. Inside, the music is blaring with laser lights shooting at the roof and creating complex patterns. The bass low and loud making my heart buzz along and hummed my eardrums on each beat. There are small stages by the sides of the dance floor where strippers dance with the standard racy undergarments. Garters, lace underwear, leather bra, chokers, all that good shit.

“Mei Lin!!” Kai lead us over the bar to greet a woman with long bright purple hair. She wore a silver bikini that’s too small for her size that her breast is literally pouring to the sides.

The both of them started to talk in Chinese, and ended with the woman giving him a kiss on the cheek and 5 shots presented at the table.

Kai waved to us, “Drinks on me boys!”, I leaned towards the table and grabbed mine.

“FOR GREAT STAGES TO COME!” Kai raised his glass, and the boys followed with a scream “OOOOOIIII” and we tossed.

I downed the translucent blue liquid down my throat and enjoyed the momentary burn, it settled on my stomach and set fire to my body. Ugh, that is one strong alcohol.

I glance to Chanyeol’s way, and see the silver bikini girl we’re flirting with Chanyeol. It seems that Chanyeol was not used to it, or maybe having a hard time trying to not see her boobs. Oh, poor Chanyeol, she WANTED you to see her boobs, that’s why she’s wearing that bra and leaning that dangerously close to you.

Her hands started to feel up his bare arms. Oh, she’s fast, straight to the point, well with her looks, these types of seduction fit her. Her eyes spelled lust so clearly, and Chanyeol is still looking away uncomfortably while smirking so confidently, how is that even possible? It’s really funny to see him trying so hard to stay cool when he clearly is uncomfortable. I wonder why he can’t he just say no.

Is he trying to be cool? Does he secretly want to touch those double Ds but don’t know how? Or maybe he’s a saint that never touch women before marriage? Hell do I know, whatever he’s trying to do, it’s either making me amused or just plain sad. A grown man supposed to be able to say no, right?

Poor Chanyeol being eaten alive. Maybe I should help him out.

I feel a hand pulling me towards the dance floor, Chanyeol disappeared within the crowd that enters my line of sight before I could even walk to him. I try to find the owner of the hand on my arms, and I’m not surprised to see it was Sehun.

He pulled me right to the middle of the crowd. The people dancing around are pushing us together, our chests pressed against each other, and his hands swiftly locked behind my waist.

He leans in, brushing his lips on my ear, his voice going right to my ear before the loud music could cover them, “Caught you”.

Yeah, he does.

He’s trailing kisses from my ears down to my neck, then my collarbones. I cocked my head up to give him easier access, it’s a habit of my job. His head leaned closer to aim for my lips, and there’s where I stopped him.

I pushed his lips with my fingers, I leaned on his ears, making sure I’m heard with the music blaring, “I’m not giving anything for free.”

He smirked, “I know”.

I let him kiss the corner of my lips as his hand slipped under my shirt, feeling up my skin. His fingers went to my chest, touching the skin above my ribs slowly while his mouth teasingly sucked my neck. I won’t lie, he does makes me feel good, no costumer ever bothered to make me feel good. It’s hot where he touched me, he’s touching the right spots.

Sehun seems to know how good he made me feel, that crooked smile is showing, “I’ll pay you, and I’ll make you feel good too, I want to make that pretty face moan in pleasure under me.” He breathed on my face, and by the smell, he’s drunk, or at least tipsy.

Drunk or not, I am highly tempted to accept that. He looked handsome, actually, all of Chanyeol’s friends looked handsome, including himself.

It’s been a while since I ever feel good during sex, and the way his hands touched me feels promising. Damn… and it’s tomorrow… I felt dizzy. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, feeling like I’m in the worst mood. I don’t like this, feeling so weak and afraid.

Fuck sake, I want it so badly… but no… I can’t for now… he’s Chanyeol’s friend, at least not in front of Chanyeol, not in the fucking same building.

“Sorry, but my little brother is here, and I’m not working…” I smirked, Sehun didn’t let any frown show and still playfully smile.

But I’m not finished, “… after I’m done here…” I leaned on his ears, and told him my number, and the town where I am.

“… I’ll be there on the road when you least expected, if I didn’t, just ask around about Leo.” I linked my arms behind his neck, pulling his smug face even closer to mine. Yes, after all of these is done, maybe I won’t feel as guilty.

“I’ll take that offer, Leo.” he hummed, and leaned towards me, “It’s not like we can do anything here, Chanyeol was glaring daggers at me”

I chuckled “Is he?”, hmm what’s this Chanyeol…

“Yeah, I didn’t see him at the bar with that hottie now, maybe he’s on the way here to stop me”

Oh really? “Hmm, should we tease him a bit?”

Sehun smiled in agreement, our lips were a thread away from each other. His breath clashes with my lips, making me feel warm with anticipation. When was the last time I kissed someone? Oh yeah, that old guy, it was disgusting. Maybe Sehun can wash away that feeling, he could kiss me, mess me up, make me feel good. Wait, I thought I wouldn’t do that…

Damn, I think I’m tipsy too.

I feel his warmth was suddenly taken away, a hard yank on my back pulled me back to the warm body. My legs are walking, I wonder where I’m going. Long arms wrapped tight on my shoulder, I thought it was Sehun taking me to another place, but he’s far away in front of me now.

“We’re going home!” Chanyeol yelled, keeping my shoulders in his arms and drag me out of the building. Can’t believe I just summoned Park Chanyeol just like that.

 

 

+++++

 

 

I didn’t realize how hot it was inside until the night air finally hits me. I take in a few deep breaths to sober up. I knew I was light, but I never knew I was light enough to feel that tipsy after one shot. I’m so lame, but whatever.

The club was not too far into the city parts, so we walk silently back to his home in an awkward… dragging………silence.

Chanyeol has been walking ahead of me, not showing his face at all after he yelled at me.

I catch up to walk beside him. I leaned to see his face, but he looked away.

“What’s up with you?”

He pouted his lips, “Nothing!”, completely looking upset.

He walked faster ahead, stomping on his way. He is such a kid, this is not worth being worked up that much. If he’s not going to say anything… then should I tease him even more?

“If you’re fine, then I’m going back to the club”, he finally turned around, angry.

I snickered, finally, he looks at me, yet he’s not saying anything, “So? Are you not going to stop me?”

His hands clenched until pale, he only frowned, the ugly sad frown stayed until he could finally work up a smile, with eyes on the concrete, “W-well, if you liked e-each other, then I guess I have no say to keep between you two”, he huffed and crossed his arms.

I raised my eyebrow, at his words AND attitude, “Like him? We’re just doing business”

“Business….” Chanyeol looked up, with eyes widen, and so are mine as something dawned on me.

“Have you forgotten what I am Chanyeol?” he didn’t say anything.

Perhaps all his kindness, was also because he forgot. He thought he can just invite me here and magically change me? I don’t know which one is the bigger idiot, me or him.

I don’t want to stay here any longer, though I didn’t plan to really go back, I’m fucking going back to the club. I’m going to leech myself on Sehun, he didn’t need to pay, just get me drinks. I’m going to get shitfaced drunk tonight.

Tomorrow is stressing me enough, I don’t need an awkward night with him the day before to make it worse.

A light clutch on my sleeve stopped me, dispersed all of my angry thoughts, “I, don’t want you to go back.” He whimpered almost pathetically as his head stare down on his feet.

He finally says what he wants, that wasn’t so hard, was it? But there he goes my plan to get dead drunk… I think I’ll need those alcohol more than I think, maybe I should ask him if he wanna come with—

“I want you to come home with me.” he timidly said, with his eyes down.

I felt like someone just punched me in the gut. He’s making my face heat up, and I don’t know how he did it. What is he saying suddenly? He doesn’t have to put it that way… I’m not a girl, and this isn’t some stupid drama. Welp, there goes my night drinking my restlessness away.

“O-okay, fine! Let’s head back.” I change course again, towards his apartment, while he’s still holding my sleeve.

 

I sighed at the night sky.

 

What am I doing? What just happened actually? Did I really just get tossed around by him?

He tried to hide it, but I could see him shiver when the wind brushed slightly. That’s why you don’t wear short sleeves at night, doesn’t matter if it had Deadpool on it.

“You’re not mad, right?” Chanyeol whispered, I look back and he’s still frowning.

“I’m not. I can’t be mad at you”

“Why? Aren’t I annoying?”

“You are.”

He snaps his head up, tensed, “You’re a good kid Chanyeol, good kids ought to be pampered once in a while.”

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow, “Kid? Me?”

“Yes you, you gigantic overgrown kid.”

Before he could argue, I held his hands, since he liked it so much. His face was confused, and he kept looking down to our hands, up to my face and back and forth.

I sighed, “Chanyeol, if you like or don’t like something, say so, the people that really cares for you would understand. If they don’t, they can fuck off, just life your own life, it belongs to no one but you.” it was a very basic knowledge, yet he looked surprised when I said that. I waited in silence for a few second, letting the words sink into him.

I finally got the signal that he understands as he sighed in defeat. I hope it gets through his skull, because I have another question in mind.

“By the way, weren’t you the one who’s ‘mad’ at me? If you’re not comfortable with me sucking face with your friend just say so, no need to yank me away like that…”

He let go of my hand, and wrapped me in a deadly hug, it made my heart jumped out of my chest. What is honestly up with him and sudden flash moves? He’s hugging tight… too tight.

“I’m not comfortable with you sucking my friend’s face”

I nod, complying, this is the least I can do, but… “Can I know why?”

The body enveloping me tensed, and he took a few seconds thinking, “I just don’t want you to…”

Okay, that’s a bit off. He knows what I am, and clearly didn’t mind, because he wouldn’t have hugged me like this. Then why can’t I? I sighed on his shoulder, I’m not going to figure this out anytime soon.

I just have to get along with this for now, after all, this is the last time, “Okay, I won’t.”

The arms around my shoulder tightens, he buries his face on the curve of my neck. I could feel him smiling on my skin… and my ribs cracking.

“Thank you” he hummed, “I’m so glad I met you…… I-I’ve always wanted a sibling…”

Oh yeah, I’m the step brother. I almost forgot since none of his action is ‘brotherly’, but then again, I don’t know how it’s really supposed to be like. Well, if it’s what he wants out of me, I guess I’ll treat him like a little brother too… for now. My hands patted his cute little head, it was a little bit damp since he’s been sweating.

I leaned my head on his, “Well, you found a sibling now”. I thought it will make him happy if I play along like that, but he didn’t react at all.

I don’t know anymore, at least I played along, I must be right on track, right?

I patted his back, “Okay okay, let go now, we have to get back, and I can’t breathe” I pushed him away, and he finally loosened his arms. I take in as much air as I can now that my chest is free.

As soon as he detached himself from me, he shivered slightly, and his entire arm had goosebumps. Of course he would be cold, I’m wearing two layers and still feel the chilling air.

I took off my leather jacket and hand it to him, “Wear it, it’s night, and you’re dumb enough to wear short sleeves.”

“No!”

“I’m being kind Chanyeol, and I have long sleeves underneath… the jacket’s clean.”

“I’m not saying your jacket is dirty or anything…”

“Then wear it” I deadpan, and his face slowly reddens.

He snatches the jacket off my hand and wear it a bit too enthusiastically, he misses the arm a few times. His lips pressed together and crooked from repressing a smile or possible laughter. I don’t know what’s up with him now, but hey, at least my jacket fits him perfectly, it looked rather cool with his shirt.

“It’s warm” he said gleefully, his eyes nailed the ground, but he’s smiling, with red tint on his cheeks, they looked like apples now, isn’t that cute? Seeing him cheered up gives me a sense of accomplishment. Playing along is the right choice.

“It’s warm because it’s a jacket Chanyeol, now let’s go.” I pat him on the back, and he walk beside me with our shoulders touching. He reached out for my palms again but retracted them immediately.

I mentally rolled my eyes and took his hand, he clenched his fingers back, holding my hands tight. I could almost see the red in his face and the goofy smile he’s hiding without looking to my side. I never get why he likes holding my hand so much, but he seems so happy by such a simple gesture, it’s really cute of this gigantic boy.

What a good kid, too bad it all ends tomorrow.

 

+++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made Kai speak Chinese cuz my dumb ass thought he was part of Exo-M, i don't know hat shit i am that day lol... sorry...
> 
> i edit this when I'm half alive, i haven't sleep the day before, i'm so tired but i can't sleep, wow.


	10. Day 2-3 | Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon is nervous, soft Chanyeol to the rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i see the that chapter 9 was doubled to the 10, and i just noticed it when i camehere to update lol sorry bout that i;m trippy i think i dunno....

I take the night air into my lungs, filling it full… and sigh. I smelled like apples and honey yet again. I can’t get enough of this smell, it made me feel like I want to snatch his soap right into my bag. Though here I am smoking, after the smoke cleared, I smelled the freshness of it again. It was a nice gap, made me less bored.

I’m already on my second cig, and Chanyeol is still in the bathroom. I don’t know what’s taking him so long, maybe he likes to take long baths? But yesterday, I think it didn’t take this long. Ah, maybe he’s jerking off? That would make sense.

Right after I showered and he takes his turn, I took the courtesy to tidy up a bit. Just folding all his clothes, and putting his dirty boxers in the bin. Washed the piled-up dishes, make his bed, and tidy up his papers, not actually moving it, but just straightens it, and also tidy up his books. I may have overdone it, but one thing lead sto another, I just can’t keep my hands off the messiness.

Now, with nothing to do but breathing poison, I just realized how beat I am. A lot happened today, I saw the aquariums for the first time in my life, and have a glimpse of Chanyeol’s bright life. He took me in so easily, and made me smile, too much that my face is still hurting right now.

I was taking my third cig when there’s a faint sound of the door opened behind me. Seems like Chanyeol’s done with his princess bath, or his jerk off session.

“Taekwoon, want some beer?”

“Yeah”

He came with two cold cans of beer, and we drank in silence. The third cig in my hands has burned till the filter. I put it out on a tray next to me, and about to go to my fourth one.

“Are you nervous, for tomorrow?” My heart jumped at the sudden question.

“Does it show?” I light the fourth one, and drag deep… calm down my heart.

“My room is suddenly clean, and you’re chain smoking, it’s kinda scary.” He chuckled dryly, if this is chain smoking, then he hasn’t seen nothing yet.

I scoffed and sighed out the smoke, “I guess I am”

 

Another few seconds of silence, I don’t have anything to say, and if I stopped smoking, I don’t know what else to do to make myself relax. I guess I’m not ready to meet her. I’m expecting the worst, I have to.

“I called mom when you’re in the shower, she’ll be home tomorrow”

I nod, inhaling another deep breath.

 

Silence.

 

I chug down my beer, and another silence.

 

The cold night and the faint sound of the crowd below.

 

The smell of apples and honey, a sign of his presence.

 

My mind feels blank

 

I bring the paper bud to my lips again.

 

And drag.

 

Held the poison in my lungs

 

Feeling a little lighter

 

And sigh

 

Tomorrow I’m going to know the answer I’ve been wanting, not knowing if it’s going to be bad or not.

I wonder why it mattered now, I thought I don’t care what the outcome is. I told myself, from the moment I was on that train not knowing Chanyeol at all, that the outcome won’t matter. I’m just a curious idiot that needs to know.

He’s an acquaintance, nothing more, nothing less. This step brother thing is not a real thing at all, just a pretense because it seems that way for him. Just because ‘technically’ we’re siblings, doesn’t mean we are. I’ll get this done with, and return to my old life, and once again become a stranger to Chanyeol. That makes sense.

Back to my tidy apartment and wake up in the dark night with the neon lights sun. To that baby that must’ve been hungry, Haeun noona must’ve forgot to feed him. Lurking in the small streets, fishing for predators that would hold me, so I can milk their money.

While Chanyeol, can return to daily life. Doing whatever job he did, and rave at night with his friends, where his smile shine the most.

Continuing our lives like none of this ever happened at all.

 

That’s the plan, it still is, nothing changed.

 

I can feel Chanyeol scooted closer to me till our shoulder’s touched. The refreshing smell is now even stronger. He’s incredibly close to me, and I don’t know what to make out of this gesture. All I know is how warm it made me.

The wind is acting up a bit, and the smoke is going towards him, I put it out right away.

“It’s gonna be okay.” He whispered, the gentleness in his voice caught me off guard, but his head leaning on mine is what surprised me the most. I know he’s touchy, but does this include ‘casual’ touching? It didn’t feel like that.

“My dad once to me said, as long as we have each other, we’ll be okay no matter what, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.” He said so cheerfully.

I could feel the heat spreading in my face as I’m trying to process his words. The words seep into me before I could stop it, the words that were never said to me. That, and this gesture, I am not used to this type of gestures, its… somewhat touching me more than my skin.

“I’ll be there with you, it will be fine”

The feeling of his warmth and genuine touch, while telling me those kinds of words, they are making me feel calmer, but it’s unsettling how it would make me feel like that. It’s even more unsettling that I didn’t feel any distrust in those words. Why can’t I just rolled my eyes and brush it aside?

His face looked sideways to me in an innocent smile, I glance at it before looking away in embarrassment. How do I face that kind of… face? How do I explain to a happy child that the world out there has bad tricks under them? I want to believe him, I wanted to, I do, but I know the worst thing could happen, and his hopes are just too high up.

I could’ve walked away, I was meeting her out of spite, out of… hope, yet in the same time I feel scared of the outcome. Only now I’m scared of the outcome… why now? Nothing changed, the days I’ve gone through doesn’t change anything. Chanyeol didn’t change anything.

His hands pulling my arm, and I turn my head to him, “It’s going to be okay”. His face didn’t make an expression.

This. This is why. I shouldn’t have come, I shouldn’t have been defenseless, I shouldn’t have said anything. What have I gotten myself into? This sort of attachment—no no… I’ll be fine… I’ll be fine once I get out of here when everything’s done, right? He’s no one.

I don’t believe him. I don’t want to believe him.

For fuck sake, why am I so pathetic.

His hand reaching up to my face, and wiped off something from my face, and the cold hits the spot where he touched. I didn’t realize I was crying. I pushed him away, quickly covering my face, that now I just notice is wet. I cried in front of him. How fucking embarrassing.

I want to hide, so I hide behind my arms, covering my face with them so Chanyeol won’t see my pathetic face. Yet it didn’t stop him from hugging me.

The arms around me wrapped up tight, not giving me a chance to shove him away in time, pulling me into a warmth that I’ve long forgotten. It feels like a security blanket I had years ago. When I had it on, I felt like the world can’t do shit to me, and feel so warm, like someone hugged me… just like this.

I already know it’s useless to resist when Chanyeol become touchy, so I gave up. I lean my body onto him as my heart started to regain its calm. My head rested on his shoulder and closed my eyes. It feels so comfortable that I don’t want to move. I feel calm by his scent of crushed apple and honey.

So sweetly intoxicating.

“It’s going to be okay.” he hummed to my shoulder.

The body pressed against me is so warm and kind, a foreign sensation that I don’t want to let go just yet. His breath on my shoulder, his chest raising against me as he breathes, my mind focused on them, and just enjoying the moment that he’s alive, and so was I. I’m alive, because now I felt the comfortable warmth of him making my heart lively pounding.

For once, the world seems to focus, and it doesn’t feel like my life is blending in a blurry background. For once I can feel that I’m living, feeling the seconds that passed by. A body to lean on and rest, hugging me tight to let his presence known.

It didn’t feel like it’s only me in the world anymore.

“It’s going to be okay” he chanted again, and casts the spell on me. The arms around me tightens, tucked into his embrace, safe from the cold, from the loneliness.

My heart became weightless, my mind can’t think about anything else but his presence and this warmth. I think… I’m either becoming more positive, or stupider, it doesn’t matter to me now, because I want to stay in his arms just a bit longer, don’t want to let go just yet, want to forget just for another while.

My hands went around his torso, fist clenching up at his back and pulling him closer. Sighing my burdens away as I bury my face at the crook of his neck and breathed,

“Thank you Chanyeol”

 

++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note : Updating 2 days later because i CAN and bored. 
> 
> Next chapter is Taekwoon meeting his mom.


	11. Day 3 | Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm your child, not him"

I didn’t know when Chanyeol woke up, but I got knocked out till noon and wake up seeing Chanyeol in the kitchen cooking lunch. We ate, then I smoked at the same balcony and the same closeness of Chanyeol.

We tried to talk about anything other than her. Even when the tension on my shoulder keeps adding up, he still managed to make me laugh. It didn’t stay as long as it used to, as the seconds passed making my legs weak and my neck cold.

Then Chanyeol leaned his side to mine. He didn’t say anything, just making contact to let me know his presence. I can’t say that I feel calmer by the mere touch, but the memories of last night played again in my head. the embarrassment came back as I remembered myself crying like a weak bitch. Then other things replayed in my head, Chanyeol’s chant of ‘it’s going to be okay’.

I felt my face warmed by the memory, and him hugging me, or maybe it’s the heat of the sun making me this way. I couldn’t believe that there’s a probability that this won’t be the last time I’ll see him.

We made small talks, watching tv, drinking beers till the time of the meeting came. I wore my usual get up of shirt over leather jacket, with the same old jeans and the same old boots.

.

The house was like any suburban house. It was such a beautiful house, peaceful, and good air since it’s a bit far away from the city. A small fresh looking green lawn, crème painted walls, with a few pots of flowers on the veranda. Today is a good day, cloudy, not too hot nor too cold. Yet, at the sight of the house my hands starting to cold sweat and shaking.

Chanyeol however seems pretty optimistic, he has that carefree smile on him again. It’s both annoying and comforting at the same time.

“Wait here.” Chanyeol looked back to me, noticing my clammy hands. He wrapped me in another hug, “I promise you, this won’t be the last time” he whispered.

Yet my heart didn’t feel calm, it quickened in pace. I pat his back, and squeezed back as tight as I can, getting all my giddy nervousness away.

“Thanks” He let me go after a few seconds, giving me the usual smile before he went into the house.

On the veranda, on my own, I keep remembering Chanyeol’s words, each and every one of the words he said about her. Chanyeol looked happy whenever he mentioned her, the real happiness that came from his heart. The same cold woman is the reason he’s that happy.

Maybe she really had changed.

“Mom! Dad! Did you have fun in Montreal?” Chanyeol’s voice startled me, it sounds a bit far away but still loud.

The distant voice of a female reached to me, and along with that another male voice. They both talked for a few minutes, and I can hear Chanyeol congratulating her on her birthday.

Is that it? Was that her voice? I couldn’t even remember how she sounded after all these years. I closed my eyes, breathe, it’s going to be okay. What’s the worst that could happen? I wanted this, I want closure. Years of hating her, living out of spite, but after what Chanyeol told me, I want to know the truth.

The door beside me opened, Chanyeol’s little head popped out with a toothy smile.

“C’mon!” He cheered, and held my hand, leading me inside.

The hand clenching gently on mine has calmed me, yet my heart is still pounding. I can’t believe I’m about to see her, my mother.

As we passed the door, there she was with another mature man sitting on a couch beside her. She changed completely. Her long curly blond hair now is short, black and straight, a clean cut falling elegantly on her shoulder. Rather than a racy right dress, now she wears a fluffy sky-blue sundress covered with darker blue floral loose cardigan.

She’s blushing like a little girl despite all the wrinkles she has now. Eyes filled with love and gentleness as she stared the man beside her. I still remember the feature, she’s definitely my mother, only slightly older, and wore an honest smile. A kind woman, a kind wife, a kind mother I have never seen in her, radiating in happiness.

.

Until she finally meets my eyes.

.

Her body jolted up into a defensive stand, I saw the cheerful smile plummeting into a dark horrified frown in less than a second.

“Mom” Chanyeol speak up, clearly not feeling the bone chilling frown from her face, “I found Taekwoon, your son, the one you told me about, the one you told me has died of illness.”

I felt my heart sinks.

Died of illness?

Has she been lying to them? There is no way she thought I died because of illness. She left me, saying she’ll be back right before my eyes, a memory that’s been burned to my brain.

I stare onto her wide opened eyes, “Is that what you told them? I was dead?”.

Her face froze, and so does Chanyeol, I turned to the idiot, “And you believe her after seeing me alive?” Chanyeol was taken back, confused and his lips stuttering nothing. Of course he believes her, just… of fucking course.

“You…. How are you still alive?” I finally hear her voice, her smooth voice has a little rust in them and deeper. There’s anger in her eyes as her knuckle clenched till pale.

I snickered at her face, “Didn’t think I’m going to be alive huh? After you took all the money and left me with nothing?” I looked around the modest house, look at what she catches, what a nice gig she has.

“Your catch is good mother, not bad for an ex-prostitute”

“Taekwoon!” Chanyeol grabbed my hand again, but I shrug him off, “No that’s enough Chanyeol, how fucking dumb can you be!” I pushed his shoulder away, eying his bewildered face.

“You filthy bitch… you keep off your words and hands away from my child!” Her voice trembles, eyes bore into mine filled with anger. Her child… it’s Chanyeol isn’t it? I’m a filthy bitch and Chanyeol is her son, heh, that’s how she wanted it to be.

I scoffed, “This filthy bitch is still your child that worked hard to pay your cocaine and cigarettes you ungrateful hag!!” the venom in my voice is apparent, and it feels good to spit them to his face.

Her eyes gone dark, and I could feel Chanyeol tensed. The room fell into a deafening silence and cold. Her face shifted, the soft expression she wore is gone without a trace, now exchanged with pure hate and irritation. I could almost see her with her usual racy garments, and her eyes looking down on me with disgust.

.

There it is, the mother I knew.

.

“Mom, Taekwoon, let’s calm down first…” Chanyeol plead, but none of us bother at all, not even her new ‘husband’.

“I pity them,” I sneer, “Look at their innocent face, even Chanyeol here bragged about how good of a mother you are, what a snake… a successful snake though, I guess life is good now that you’re milking their money instead of milking me, I’m nothing compared to this—”

“SHUT UP YOU DIRTY WHORE” Her screeching scream silenced me, and the air felt heavy enough to crush me… No, she’s nothing to me anymore, she has no power over me.

“THIS DIRTY WHORE POPPED OUT OF YOUR DIRTY LOOSE HOLE BITCH” I feel my neck tensed, this is the first time I yelled, ever. Feeling the rush of fighting back, it feels good to finally face her, and say what I think about her for years.

Bring it on, bitch.

“You put me in this world… I AM YOUR CHILD, NOT HIM, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BELIEVE IT.” My words came out in screams, and I saw her face grimaced as I say those words, but I’m not done.

“You’re too rotten to have someone as good as him as your child, dream on bitch! A slut mother only deserves to have a slut child, guess that means you’re stuck with me!” I pointed at myself, smirking at her defeated face, “You can’t run from this life, just like how I’m trapped in this world where you left me—”

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUUUP” Her voice screeched into a terrifying scream that it echoed around the walls. Her face turned red, and streaks of her eyeliner leaking to her cheeks.

Oh nostalgia, she’s looking more and more like my mother now, and it made me feel some strange kind of longing.

“I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE ANYMORE, I AM A WOMAN, A GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER, I HAVE LEFT THAT LIFE, I HAVE LEFT YOU… You are not a part of my life anymore, I left you there to rot…” She pointed her perfectly manicured pink nails at me while she screams on top of her lungs. Her husband, tried to calm her, but she shrugged him away like an insect.

“Well I’m not rotting, I’m HERE! And let’s face it… we don’t belong here!”

You belong with me, you’re my mother! You can’t just leave me! The words held back by my pride.

“YES I DO, I WORKED HARD TO LET THAT LIFE GO, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DRAG ME BACK TO THAT HELL. YOU… You… a child born of rape!” her words echoed in my ears.

I felt like my ears are ringing, and the words echo. A child of rape. Is that what I am? I…

Her lips trembled, eyes filled with hate and killing intent, all of that directed to me, “Everyday, Everyday, Everyday… growing more and more like him, I hate it, I hate it I hate it I HATE IT THAT YOU ALWAYS REMINDED ME OF IT.”

No wonder she hates me to filth, I’m a reminder of her own nightmare. I drive her insane, didn’t I? I felt the hairs on my back stood, as her eyes literally filled with desire to kill me. To get rid of me, a nasty rotting trash in her oh-so-beautiful-and-perfect doll house.

“I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU LIVE, I SHOULD HAVE ABORT YOU WHEN I HAD THE MONEY. I SHOULD’VE KILLED YOU”

“SEUNG OK!” The old man beside her, held her shoulder. They meet eyes with each other, and she realized what she had done, the snake that has exposed herself.

“WELL I’M HERE, STILL ALIVE! TOO BAD YOU’RE EVEN TOO BROKE TO HAVE ME” My hands are trembling, what’s happening?

“UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE REMEMBER ME, YOUR CHILD OF RAPE… that you pathetically labor for your own comfort…” my voice lost its strength by the sentence.

I’m a child of rape, I was never wanted, yet why am I still alive? She could’ve killed me and spare me the pain of this life. Yet I grew by her side all this time, making me think that there must be a reason why she let me live. My flesh and body, made by some random guy with an unprotected dick and a mind of an asshole.

I wanted to puke at myself.

“You’re tired of opening your legs for coins, now you aim for some big fish and left me, huh?” somehow I can muster more words out of myself.

Is it because I didn’t earn enough for her? Is it because I didn’t work hard enough?

Her frown fell into flat line, and she smirked with widen eyes, “Ah that’s it, isn’t it? You want money?” She sneered, “You’re really a whore, you are dead to me, you never existed… I am a new woman… I have a good life AND YOU RUINED IT FOR ME!!.... Now, tell me… LEO…” She said my street with eyes that didn’t even look at me as a human.

“How much do I have to pay for you TO STAY DEAD!!”

Her screams echoed in my ears. My chest sank into a deep pain, what is going on? What is she doing to me? I thought she didn’t matter to me anymore. Yet why does it feel like I’m dying, like she’s killing me, maybe because that’s what she wanted… my body follows without my logical consent.

I glance onto that hateful face once again, the one that appeared in my dreams, and left me a gaping hole inside my chest. I faced my mother that I thought… maybe have a shred of care for me, but now I know I’m wrong.

She found herself another family, this family is perfect. She was happy, she got it all together, she seems like a stranger to me a few minutes ago.

My mother didn’t exist anymore.

“You can never give me what I want.”

I turn my heel around, I want to get out of here.

“Taekwoon, stop! We need to work this out, this… this is not what I brought you here together for….” Chanyeol held my hand with his cold and trembling one.

My stomach churned when I saw Chanyeol face sweats and paled, frowning like he’s about to cry. It didn’t fit him, something about it is really of putting.

That woman bolted between us and slap my hand away. She yanked Chanyeol’s wrist in a seemingly painful grab and pulled Chanyeol and away from me. Her son cowered in her grip, it was the first time I see him so afraid.

“CHANYEOL DON’T TOUCH HIM! DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM AGAIN!” There were rage in my mother’s eyes as they meet Chanyeol’s.

I can see Chanyeol’s face paled at the sight of her, his eyes looked down to the floor, empty. His body tremble like a leaf because his fears has come true, his loving mother has turned into the same demon as his birth mother.

The way his face induced in fear sunk my heart into the pit of my stomach, what have I done? She was his mother, he loved her despite everything, but I get selfish, and I ripped Chanyeol of a loving mother. She’s not mine anymore, there’s no point in doing this.

“Hurts… it hurts…” Chanyeol whimpered weakly, touching the wrist where she grabbed him.

His mother’s nasty expression fell into horrified one and twitch her grip open, “Chanyeol… Honey, my dear…” She looked desperately towards her wary husband and the scared Chanyeol,

“I’m sorry, this is not me, I have changed… I swear on my life, I am your mother… and I am a good wife….”

She desperately caressing Chanyeol’s terrified face, trying to make him relax, but it didn’t work. Chanyeol couldn’t even look her in the eyes, and twitched on her touch. Her eyes directed towards me, and I witnessed her desperation turned back into anger.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME. You… since the day you were born… YOU BRING NOTHING BUT SUFFERING FOR ME. GET OUT, DON’T EVER BOTHER ME AND MY FAMILY AGAIN! GET OUT!”

She screamed on top of her lungs, the magnitude of her yell sent my ears ringing and cold sweat on my back.

None of them move, not even Chanyeol. He just stood there, terrified, and I understand that. See Chanyeol? She doesn’t change. Though we want to hope for it so much, but it’s not that easy, people didn’t change that fast. This is reality. This is your reality. I don’t have a place in your life, not if you still want your mother.

I turn my back, walking out of that suffocating flowery house. I’m going home, home to that dark place where I belong. My job here is done. I have my answer, and Chanyeol got himself a reality check.

I have my phone and money with me, the piercings are in the pocket of my jacket. I thought I’ll go back with answers, but now I have nothing but a hole in my chest.

I took out a cig and lit it.

I close my eyes, drag deep and let the smoke fill my lungs to the brim.

Tried to be calm and relax as soon as I can.

 

Yet what popped in my mind was Chanyeol’s terrified face.

 

 

++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note :
> 
> So there’s that…… That’s… a lot of drama… I listened to Monsta X Dramarama to get me in the mood… so…. Yeah…
> 
>  
> 
> BUT YALL, I have a bit of news (issa bit long, and confusing for AO3 readers cuz there's some type of poll i did on the other website that is asianfanfics and wattpad. It was before i posted anything here, i asked for help about finding the characters i want to use for my next fic. And I didn't copy that part here because I already decided... :"D so i'm gonna copy the same thing here... sorry for that...)
> 
> I made another vixxo fic… and NO it’s not the same thing I posted on the earlier chapter, about character A and Character B… it something bigger and less plot lol. The fic was originally something private. It was a little prompt and simple concept to practice my sex scene making skillz, but then I didn’t think it was that simple…
> 
> This new oncoming vixxo fic is inspired by @Mayushii (from asianfanficts though we only talked on the comment section but guuuurrrlll thanks so much for giving me a glimpse of exo, and inspire me to do this!
> 
> I was talking to her about the Character A and B, which and whose is fitting enough, but it ended with me knowing more about exo… so I was like…WHY NOT PAIR ALL OF VIXX WITH ALL OF EXO (actually minus 1 person). I did a scrabble of it, and use it as practice to write sex scenes. Because damn VIXX visuals fucking with EXO visuals is so hot……….
> 
> Then VOILA! A porn fic…. It’s half done… and I’m not a fan of publishing something that’s not already pre-done on my msword. I like pre-done things, I only left with little touch up editing before I publish…
> 
> So, I can’t really say anything about the fic… I’ll post the poster and foreword, on one of these days but I dunno when exactly I’m gonna publish the first chapter… but I’ll give you the title…
> 
>  
> 
> “Shimmie Shimmie Shangri-La”
> 
> Lol I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the lame triple S. I don’t even know what shimmie is… I googled it and its some type of old dance move… I…
> 
>  
> 
> BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS OVER THE TOP DRAMATIC CHAPTER THO
> 
> THANKS FOR READING.


	12. Day 3 | Evening Pt.2

Chanyeol froze in his place, hands clenched, with bullets of sweat streaming down to his neck. The shrill yell of his mother awoke something in him. His body remembers what the yell means, his mother is angry, if she’s angry then he knew what would happen. He’ll get hurt, and he’ll be in pain, and lonely. Then his father will drink, then cried to sleep beside Chanyeol’s bed, thinking he’s already asleep, and it keeps him up all night.

When his mother is angry, he can’t say anything, he can’t do anything, not if he wanted to be safe. He tried to fight it back, try to speak up, but he still cannot forget. He’s scared, scared of the beating from his mother. Scared of those bloodshot eyes filled with fire and anger that at the sight of it, Chanyeol will be burned by his mother’s wrath.

“Chanyeol… wake up son, it’s okay now.” a deep and raspy voice relaxed him, a calm voice of his father means that he’s safe.

His mind getting out of a daze, finally he could raise his head and see, her mother crying silently, his father utterly confused, and no Taekwoon on his side.

In an instant, panic arise, he promised Taekwoon he’ll be by his side. His heart felt heavy, painful as he realized how terrible things have gone, and the cost of it. Chanyeol meant well, things aren’t supposed to be like this, and he thought he’s stronger than this.

A promise is still a promise, it’s more than a promise actually. Chanyeol can’t believe he let down the most important person that can’t be let down on.

“Dad, where’s Taekwoon?”

“He stormed out, are you okay?”

Chanyeol turned away immediately, to chase after Taekwoon before it’s too late.

“Chanyeol…” a dire voice of his mother calling him stopped his tracks. He looked back to his crying mother, not knowing how to react.

How did things turn out this way? His mother is not what he thought she really is. In the past, his mother mentions her beloved son that she misses every second. He still remembers how her face seems so sad telling those stories.

“Don’t go, no more of this, I don’t want that child, I want YOU as my child… my sweet kind child, my only one…”

The woman reached out to her son, but Chanyeol’s twitch stops her. Chanyeol moved away, though he still loves his mother, he can’t erase what just happen immediately, can you blame him for being afraid?

No wonder Taekwoon was so nervous of meeting his mother, now Chanyeol know why.

“I don’t get it… mom, why?” Chanyeol’s voice were weak, afraid to anger his mother again, but his anger of her overcome parts of them.

“Why did you lie to me? If you want to forget, why did you mention him at all?!” Chanyeol raise his voice at her mother for the first time in his life time, and his mother lowered her eyes.

“It… it was a slip of the tongue at first, then I never mention it again, but you always asked…”

Chanyeol think back to it, and she was right… Chanyeol was the one who always asked. In his entire childhood, he always asked about his dead step brother. No matter how much his mother always tries to brush him off with “he’s dead now Chanyeol it doesn’t matter”. Yet she did it with a smile, he thought of course a mother would love their child. Never in his mind his mother will be this bent on hating her own flesh and blood.

“Chanyeol…” his mother pleaded as she clung to his sleeve, “You don’t need to get him, not anymore, he’s dead.”

Chanyeol gave all his strength to lightly shrug her off, “He might be dead to you but not to me, I don’t want to hear you lie to me, what else do you lie about, he told me who you were… what you did to him… What you did to him is horrifying… was it all true?”

Her mother’s face shifted, not into anger, but into horror at the thought of her son slipping away from her. Chanyeol felt bad at how he could see his mother is in such a horrified state.

She turned to her husband frantically clutching on his sleeve, “No, I was a florist I swear, that child lied to you!”

His father wraps his arms around the frantic smaller woman and rubbed her back “Seungok, I already know, it’s okay, I understand why you want to hide it, so I never said it”

Both of his mother and himself was shocked at his words. Seungok, relaxed in the arms of the man she loves, and cries. Cries till she creates a wet patch on her husband’s shoulder. She felt safe there, finally out of her misery.

“Then did you know about Taekwoon too dad?” Chanyeol asked, the woman in his arms tensed at the mention of his ‘other’ son, but he calmed her right away.

“No, he wasn’t registered.” Hid dad looked calm, and Chanyeol admire how his dad could after all that mess.

Chanyeol looked at his sobbing mother that finally calmed down, he himself is slowly getting it together. Then he remembered, Taekwoon, he can’t be alone right now, he can’t go back to that place, back to being alone.

“I’m going to find him, I’ll be right back” Chanyeol turned his back away and run to his apartment, run before his mother stopped him again.

He had a bad feeling about Taekwoon, but he’ll drop by his apartment first for his things, right? He’ll catch Taekwoon at his apartment if he’s quick enough.

His mother is ready to run and stop his child “CHANYEOL DON’T…”, but her husband caught her wrist.

“Let him be Seungok.” The man kept his hold tight, “NO you don’t understand, CHANYEOL WILL HATE ME IF HE SEES HIM AND YOU WILL TOO…”

The teared-up man held his wife’s face dearly and meet eye to eye “I will never come to hate you Seungok, I love you.” their eyes bore into each other, and Seungok freeze in her spot.

The endearing husband, Donggun, mellowed at the sight of his wife’s misery, “I love you Seungok”, and meant it with all his heart.

Seungok can’t believe the words she just heard, her eyes are bleeding tears again, “E-even after what I’ve done? And knowing who I was?”, Donggun swept the tears away, “Yes”

He wraps her with his bear hug again to chase her sadness away, and to have a proposition, “But there is one thing I need you to do…”

Donggun pushed her slowly to meet her eyes, “Make peace with your past, bring back Taekwoon to your life, to our life…”

Seungok’s eyes widen in terror as she begun to shake her head frantically, “No… I can’t Donggun, he…”

“He might be the result of a very horrible thing that happened to you, but he is not the one to blame, he’s a child that has done nothing wrong.”

“HE DOES” Seungok hissed in fury, “He made Chanyeol hate me… Did you see how he froze at the sight of me… because of that child!”

“Chanyeol loves you Seungok, he behaves that way not because of Taekwoon, and not because of not knowing who you were.”

“Then why?!” Seungok begged her husband, but he’s pondering whether or not to tell her the truth. He knows that it cannot prolonged anymore now that things have gotten into this.

“You reminded him of his birth mother…” Seungok trembles, her mouth gaped open in shock as she pushes herself away from him.

“I told you about my late wife, didn’t I? She used to abuse Chanyeol, let him alone in the house since he’s young, she used yell at him too, and I think it reminded him in a way”

Seungok froze into silence, her eyes casted down, feeling disgusted at herself for acting like a lunatic, for letting her anger show, for being a screw up again. Donggun sees how her wife reminisce her behavior and felt pity at the sight of her falling back into misery, but she needs to know that her birth son is not the one to blame.

“You remember how Chanyeol was when you first came, don’t you?” Seungok timidly nods, and Donggun continued “She made him miserable, he became quiet, he rarely eats, and he almost never left his room, even lost his voice for a year, but he has me, he has this house, and then… he has you.”

Donggun grabbed her shoulder gently, “What if I marry you and left Chanyeol behind? Blaming that Chanyeol was the reason my marriage was ruined”

Seungok snaps her face up, almost angry at what her husband just said, almost, until she just realized it was the same thing that she did to her own child.

“Our child is not us, I know it’s hard for you to forget the horrible nightmare, but the things you love will not leave because of it. We love you, and we are here to stay no matter what. So please, do not blame your past to your child, he’s innocent of your nightmares and mean no harm, why else did he came here? Surely, because deep inside he misses his mother.”

Her eyes bleed more tears, with trembling hands she held onto her husband’s arms. Donggu’s words started to sink into her, bringing up her memories from years ago.

Her son would obediently do whatever she says, a quiet boy that never cry or whine. A boy that followed her treacherous footstep because of her… yet didn’t hate her, he would still leave money from selling his body for her. He would still eat the things she made even though she can’t cook, and it always came out disastrous.

“I… I’m such a horrible mother, a horrible person”

“You make a mistake, you were in a horrible condition…”

“No, you don’t understand!” Seungok clench her grip on her husband’s chest, crying pathetically as the guilt started to eat up, “I made him went through the same thing, he was raped, and I did nothing because I was too afraid, how will he forgive me now Donggun… how…”

Donggun was shocked at the revelation, all he could feel is remorse, how much the pain must these two suffer? No longer, things will be okay, as long as Seungok can look at her child again.

Whether or not Taekwoon would forgive her… he’ll let time decide that.

He’ll leave Taekwoon to Chanyeol, he just wished Chanyeol is not too late. Donggun sees how Chanyeol acted, he thought he’ll wait and see, but seeing how his wife reacted to shock, he must ease her down now.

“Seungok, there is something else we need to talk about, it’s Chanyeol…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year~~ I don’t have any quotes or meaningful words to say but to just celebrate I guess. New year didn’t hold anything special to me, it’s another day, the same life, nothing really special to it but just getting a new set of calendars because time is reaching its measuring limit. Honestly it scares me, time passes so quick, too quick.
> 
> Lol I didn’t mean to get that weird and emo.
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYONE, may you have a good year behind, and a better year to come~


	13. Day 3 | Evening Pt.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon waiting for the train to take him back.

The train is taking forever to come. I bought the only ticket I can manage, and it felt like I’ve been waiting for hours. My head is pounding, and I could feel the seconds teasing me as they pass lazily. I already smoke a limp lonely cig I found on my pocket, and it’s barely enough.

I waited at the chair in this slow train station, putting back my piercings on my face. I can see a few people glancing my way, and I mentally rolled my eyes, these people certainly didn’t see a guy with a lip ring and heavy pierced ears every day. It’s refreshing though to be seen as something weird than a sex object. Especially when I was seen as something more human, indifferent from anyone else, like how Chanyeol sees me.

How did he see me like that? Passed all the piercings, my cold attitude towards him, and I bet I reek of cigarette smell all day, but he hugged me anyway, still smiled, and still clings on my hand.

Then there’s her, she looked at me with murder in her eyes.

My heart is still sinking into this suffocating state, I feel cold in my neck and palms. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t ever want to remember it. I know that this meeting will have no fruit at all. What was I hoping? Why did I even agree to that?

This is all his fault, that overgrown sunshine child. It was him that got me into this. It was him that keeps on doing unnecessary things, and he… who am I kidding? I was the stupid one here. The fool that went along with another fool.

I don’t care, no matter what the outcomes are, I know I won’t stay here forever. I will be back to my old life where everything make sense, away from these thoughts, like nothing ever happened. I got my answer now, I got everything I need to make it clear. This should be enough, it should’ve.

The announcer bell boomed from the speaker, a voice of a woman announced the train to my hometown is arriving. Finally.

My body feels heavier when I stood up. As I take each step, it felt like something holding me in place, and I don’t know what it is. There is nothing, nothing else here for me, nothing anymore, why can’t my body agree with me on this?

Deep breaths. Like nothing happens Taekwoon, like nothing at all. You just spend your 2 days outside of the dark, just a little peek shouldn’t hurt you, now you’re going back, where everything made sense. I stood behind the safety line. I can see the train from the distant, approaching slowly towards me. As it grows in size, my chest clenched tighter. I can’t breathe.

My freedom is near. Where I no longer need anyone. Away from this place where they don’t want me. There is nothing for me here. Yet why do my feet feel heavy, what’s holding me back? Nothing. Not even Chanyeol.

 

 

“Taekwoon” my head snaps back right away, and there he is. The hair in my neck stood up at the eerie coincidence, he appeared right after I think about him…

His shirt drenched in sweat, some trickled down from his temple, gasping for air as he rushed and grab me by the wrist.

“WHERE WERE YOU? I thought you came back to my apartment, I looked for you everywhere!” He’s not angry, yet he furrowed his eyebrows, gasping for air desperately. The hand that grabs me feels cold, how long has he search for me?

I brushed away his hand away, “I’m going back”

“Back where?? There’s nothing in that city!”

“Well I have nothing here too!”

“What about me?!” Chanyeol’s voice broke, and it stung me deep, but not after I process his words.

I narrowed my eyes, “What _about_ you? We just met.” I tried to brush him off, but it seems that the venom in my voice didn’t give an effect.

“So what?! It doesn’t mean you value anything less to me!”

“Oh I have value to you now? Value as what? The only reason you bring me here is thinking that it will make your ‘mommy’ happy, isn’t it! I’m a fucking birthday gift that gone wrong! And now because of me your family is fucked up! She will never be the same again!” I hissed, filling my voice with poison till the brim.

I watched his eyes as the poison takes effect, making his mouth stagger and face motionless. The silence sink in, my words sink in, the heaviness of the air between us is more suffocating than any smoke I ever inhaled.

He looked hurt, so hurt it showed on his face, and the painful pinch on my chest is acting up again. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t mean to, but enough is enough, I don’t need more of his unrealistic optimism.

He needs to realize there are things that just aren’t meant to be.

“You saw it, didn’t you? How horrible she really is… she never looked at me like that before, in so much hatred, and fear. Was that how your birth mom sees you as a kid? I guess it must’ve been scary when your mom beat you.” He froze again, eyes filled with fear as he gazes down.

Finally, he’s listening to me, let him reflect on this.

“And it was all because of me… You don’t want to upset your mother, won’t you? They are your important and finally happy family… you wouldn’t want your wonderful mother turned into the same demon as the other one, won’t you?” He didn’t say anything, I have made my point.

The pale complexion growing in his face made me pity him, I knew what I said opened an old wound, but he needs to understand this.

“If I’m gone, she’ll go back to normal, everything won’t be so fucked up anymore.” his head snapped up, finally seeing my eyes. I tried to smile, I gave it my all to make it look as natural as possible, trying hard to look ‘okay’ because that certainty is what he wanted, isn’t it? For me to be ‘okay’ so he won’t feel guilty.

“Trust me Chanyeol, just give it time, everything will go back to normal.” I gave him a smile, and gentle pat on his shoulder, but it didn’t seem to affect him in anyway.

I hear the train behind me stopping, and the sound of it opening the door to welcome me and take me away. I have said enough, I can’t stand to be near him any longer than this.

“I’m sorry…” He whimpered, not looking at me, just blank eyes darted on the floor.

I tried my best not to show how low my chest sunk when I seem him like this again. My heart teared in half when the usually cheerful face is filled with fear, I didn’t intend to make Chanyeol in that state again. I swear I want nothing more than just… disappear from his life so he can return peacefully to it again.

“I’ve dragged you into this… I’ll do anything… please stay a moment, I’ll make it right.”

Anything huh? Chanyeol you shouldn’t have said such a thing so inconsiderately, but I know what to do now, the right thing to do for both of us.

I held his cute little chin up to meet my eyes, “If you want to make it right, then let’s never meet again.”

His eyes widen in terror by my words, I know he disagrees, but as I walk away, he froze in his place without a word, because he knows I’m right, I bet. He’s not ready to give up his family. I see myself in him, I wouldn’t have let go of them if I was in his place.

I walked back inside the train, and my eyes can’t stay away too long from his. His eyes begged me to stay, but his body stayed. He suddenly blinked, the cloud in his eyes disappeared.

What… was that?

“Wait Taekwoon…” he reached out a millisecond too late when the door finally closed before he could step forward. His eyes buried into mine, helpless as they followed my face as he grew smaller in sight.

The train carries me back home, slowly, and Chanyeol finally disappeared from my sight, forever. We go on our separate ways, to live our different lives. Where everything will be back to normal. His last face as he called my name resurfaced in my mind.

That will be the last time I will ever hear my real name again.

 

 

++++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. I was listening to Mike Posner – Please Don’t Go (damn song got me into nostalgia man) when I write this and man…. The feels of the song kinda clouded me I think… this is not my best chapter… sorry yall


	14. Day 3 | Evening Pt.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you gonna do about it now Chanyeol?

Chanyeol couldn’t step away from where he stood, he can’t believe he just let Taekwoon left like that, but the memory of his mother a few hours ago terrifies him, and Taekwoon awakened them. His weakness made Taekwoon slipped from his side.

His family is precious, but so does Taekwoon. He doesn’t know how to keep the both of them happy, he wanted the both of them to talk everything out, straighten the misunderstanding, but his mother reaction was something he didn’t predict. What he also didn’t predict, was how much Taekwoon made an impact on him. Chanyeol couldn’t believe that Taekwoon has been right, all this time about his mother.

If only he had more time to figure things out, if only he was strong enough to hold Taekwoon back. He promised Taekwoon that he will stay by his side to get through it all, but Chanyeol failed at that, he failed Taekwoon.

What’s the use now? Taekwoon is gone.

He’s gone.

The thought of it sent cold chills down his back, and heat crawling like spiders up his neck. He needs to get Taekwoon back, leaving it like this is just not the right thing to do, it feels so many degrees of wrong.

But then, Taekwoon’s words ring back to his head. The relation between Taekwoon being here, and his mother went berserk again, Chanyeol can’t deny that he’s right. Taekwoon is like a switch for his mother, but why? He failed to see in what part that Taekwoon is at fault, and he doesn’t understand his mother at all.

What she had done is beyond horrible, it’s almost demonic, how could any human be that cruel? Knowing that, Taekwoon still came to see her. Chanyeol imagined if he was in Taekwoon’s position, he couldn’t even begin to understand how it would feel, just the sound of it is horrible.

Taekwoon got his answer now, that his mother didn’t even see him as her own child, but see Chanyeol as hers.

The thought downed in Chanyeol’s heart, down to his bone, and finally came to a realization. She left him without goodbye, this is Taekwoon’s goodbye… He thinks. To be completely honest, Chanyeol is just pulling his ass here.

_What am I gonna DO??? What is the right thing to do??_ One thing for sure he is NOT okay with Taekwoon leaving, but his mother freaking out is not okay too.

Chanyeol took a deep breath… Calm down… He… promised Taekwoon he would stay, now look at him, standing here with running thoughts but doing nothing.

If things go on right now, and pretends Taekwoon never came to his life, yes, Chanyeol’s life will return to normal… but Taekwoon, he’s all alone with scars from his ‘answer’. This isn’t fair. Chanyeol had a moment of loneliness in his life, imagining Taekwoon will feel like that all his life, Chanyeol felt his breath caught up on his throat.

How can Chanyeol still be okay to act as if nothing happens when he knows that Taekwoon will be miserable because of this for the rest of his life. Holding all the pain in while trying to forget the permanent scar.

Taekwoon thinks he can fool Chanyeol by pretending to look okay. Chanyeol have seen his father pretended to be happy in all his childhood, though it thought him how to pretend himself, it also means he knows how it looked like. Taekwoon is a good actor, he barely makes an expression, but eyes don’t lie, he knows when pain hides in them.

 

Chanyeol closed his eyes… taking a shaky deep breath, his hands are trembling. With gritted teeth, he made up his mind. Taekwoon won’t be alone.

 

Chanyeol booked the next train to Taekwoon’s hometown, it was still 2 hours away, and the trip takes 3 hour. He could borrow his dad’s car, but he didn’t know how long it’ll take, and to top it off, Chanyeol didn’t know where Taekwoon lives. It was pure luck when he found him.

It was his mom’s birth town, and he was just randomly searching around, dumb, he himself knows that, but curiosity got the best of him. He asked the people there with the name of Jung Taekwoon but no one knew. When he finally asked a bar, a man that owns it told him that Taekwoon goes by Leo, and told him how he looked like.

Chanyeol looked for 2 days, right after his day job finished. At the last day, he finally gave up and went back with the last train. While he waited, there he was, Taekwoon just appear there, on the train station, almost like destiny.

But he can’t count on that anymore, he needs to get to him asap. His mother… his mother might now where he is. She might not like him mentioning Taekwoon again, but he’ll squeeze the information out of her, whatever it takes, or maybe ask through his dad.

He took out his phone, and called his father… “Chanyeol?”

“DAD! I lost Taekwoon, I need to know where he lives, can you maybe slowly ask mom that?”

“Calm down, you’re on speaker son, your mom can hear you.” his grip on his phone tighten, _Shit._

What can he say now? Will his mother go berserk again? Chanyeol’s heart sunk at the thought.

No, he can’t be afraid now, he will take it, his mom is different from his birth mother… She’s different, he will go through this, his mother won’t treat him the same, he needs to believe that.

“Chanyeol?” His mother is speaking, here it comes… “How is Taekwoon? Is… is he okay?” her voice broke.

Chanyeol was out of words, confused, but at the same time he felt a wave of relieve when he hears his mother’s gentle voice again. How did she change heart so quickly? Anyway, that just doesn’t matter now. He’s glad his mother is calmer now, okay… now Taekwoon.

“He left before I can stop him, I don’t know where he lives ‘exactly’, did you still remember the apartment you lived mom?”

“How did you even find him in the first place?” His dad jumped in.

“It was luck okay! I search the town for 2 days and—  look, I don’t have time for this dad! Mom can you just—”

“I’m sorry, this is my fault, Taekwoon hates me… he hates me…” hearing his mother whimpered set him to halt.

He felt relieve that she didn’t feel that much hate towards Taekwoon anymore, somehow… his father must’ve talked to her, and now it’s Chanyeol turn to talk to her. Though it feels less intimate doing it over the phone, it’s urgent.

“Mom, listen to me, are you there?” Chanyeol felt her sobs growing near, and finally stopped, “Yes, I’m listening…”

Chanyeol pressed his lips, sighing, “Taekwoon didn’t hate you. He just wanted answers because you left him without saying anything. Today he had his answer, you didn’t want him anymore.”

There’s a little pause after his words, before another whimper of cries begin again. Chanyeol knew this is hard for her, she brought this to herself. There’s a little bit of pity in his heart for his dear mother, yet it didn’t erase how wrong her action was, but Chanyeol’s glad that his mother is still the same, and that she felt sorry.

He wanted to go back home and hug her, and apologize for getting angry at her, but right now someone else needed his hug.

“Mom, I need your help, back then, did you live in some type of boarding house? The one that didn’t need papers, you didn’t have any address history in that town.”

Another silence, on the other line, Seungok is thinking long and hard, it’s been years since she thought of that place.

“Yes, it was a place where people like him stayed, it makes things easy.” Seungok spoke, “If he hadn’t move, I… I think I could remember where it is.”

 

 

+++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update because I think it’s gonna be weird if I didn’t do it right after the previous one… I say that but it’s like…. Already 2 days after that… lol


	15. Day 3 | Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : CONTAINS TRIGGERING MATERIAL (RAPE)  
> p.s. Feel free to tell me if it’s inaccurate or I have to add more.

WARNING : CONTAINS TRIGGERING MATERIAL (RAPE)

p.s. Feel free to tell me if it’s inaccurate or I have to add more.

 

 

The murky stench welcomes me back home after I finally returned to this building. I have a dozen beers with a dozen of cigarettes pack on my right bag, and a baby formula at my left bag. I came back to this dark empty room, which somehow feels foreign to me, I never thought that I have this much of an empty space before.

If Haeun noona does feels that her son is taking a lot of space, then I can take care of him. Huh. How do I never think of that?

No, I did think of it… but I always brush it off with thoughts like, I’m barely home, I can’t take care of him, taking care of a child is a pain and cost a lot of money, he’s not my responsibility. Maybe Haeun noona have these thoughts too, that’s why she didn’t give a damn.

I’ll have him. I know Haeun noona will give him to me right away since he didn’t want him anyway. I’ll give him a name, a better care. I mean, I don’t know anything about raising kids, but I can’t be worse than that woman.

I can do this, I can take care of him. He’ll have a better life than me, at least something in my life have to turn right, and he’ll fill the empty space in this room.

Taking the baby formula and leaving everything else in the room, I go next door to Haeun noona’s room. I tried to knock, but there’s no answer. There’s no voice inside, I always made sure to listen before coming in, since she never bothered to lock. I let myself in after peeking inside, making sure there’s no one.

Usually she would sit by the window even after I already knocked, she always said she’s too lazy to open the door. Her room is as messy as always, complete with an eerie silence filling in, but now with an even worse stench, enough to make me gag.

No one is inside, she must’ve gone down to the street, while her husband… I don’t know what her husband does, and I don’t care.

I look for the little baby, but he’s nowhere in sight. They couldn’t have taken him, they never did. When they’re both away, he’s always alone in the ‘bedroom’, and he’s not there now. I look for him in the closet again, but now it’s filled with pillows and folded mattress. These mattresses are usually outside, by the window where Haeun noona sit and smoke… and sleep.

I went as far to the bathroom, and he’s still nowhere. Maybe Haeun noona does take him somewhere this time. Sighing in defeat, I gave up looking, and I was looking forward to seeing him today too.

I put the baby formula on the kitchen counter, and I should leave. Ugh, the stench is killing me. How do they even live like this? By the smell coming from the trash, it’s going to be disgusting, but it actually looked cleaner than usual. It’s usually overflown with wet trash, I bet it’s filled to the brim now.

I hear a muffled sound, my feet stop dead on track.

I tried to focus, listening if it came from the room, maybe it’s the baby, somewhere. It is. The sound of crying, and it’s definitely near, but where?

I go to the bed room again, but the sound gets even further. I cam back to the kitchen, and I know I’m getting hotter, but how could he be in the kitchen? Or he’s probably outside and Haeun noona is coming back with him.

I opened the door to go out, and I could hear the cry very clearly this time. It’s on my right, and I looked down to the trash can, and the sound is gone.

No… there’s no way, right? I’m just being paranoid.

I stepped to the pedal to open the plastic lid, and see the only thing different from the wet trash around. A little nudge that peeked from the trash.

My heart stopped.

I hoped I’m wrong, please, I’m just hallucinating, aren’t I?

The trash moved, the little nudge inside rustled away from the trash and cried, drowning the blood from my face and heart.

His cries were a bit muffled by a few plastic wraps in his mouth, and quickly, I pulled him out of the trash can as fast as I can, digging through the wet weird substances and wiped off the smelly dirt from him with the nearby kitchen cloth. He’s so light, and cold, this is not how a physique of a 4-month-old baby should be, but he’s still crying, and breathing. There’s something wrong with him, he’s blue, and he stopped crying earlier.

I have to save him, I-I need to rush him to the hospital!

I wrap the baby in a towel, dammit, he’s not even clothed! Breath, calm down… I can’t panic now, he needs me!

I bolted out of the room, out of the building, and run. Run as fast as my legs can carry me, ignoring the burn on my calves. My lungs almost gave out on me, but I can’t stop now!

As I arrived at the nearest hospital, I screamed for help, as loud as my breath could let me. One of the nurse tried to calm me down as the other one took the poor baby away from me.

The nurse made me sat on one of the chairs, she calmed me down, and told me the baby is in good hands now. My legs hurt, I never run that fast ever in my life, and felt like my vision is spinning.

She guides me to breathe, and gradually, I calmed down.

Now all I can do is wait, with a glass of water that one of the nurse gave to me. Wait in this lonely hall way, with voices of coughing and crying in the distance from the sick people there. I stare down the marbled floor, feeling hollow, not knowing what to feel, or what to do.

All I can do is hope and sits back, it felt awful, it felt helpless.

I never prayed before, but now I keep chanting hopeful words in my heart, it’s better than nothing.

If anything, I wish any miracle would safe him, at least him, a baby that did no wrong.

Why? Why him? What did he do wrong?

“Jung Taekwoon?” I stood up right away when my name is called, I didn’t think the wait will be this short.

A man with white robes and matching white hair caught my eyes with his kind wrinkly eyes look back to me with unreadable expression.

Yet, his face softens when he looked at my face, and he cleared his throat, “The baby is already in critical condition when you brought him in, he suffered hypothermia and lack of oxygen…I’m sorry, we can’t save him.”

My teeth clamped up and grit hard, feeling completely empty. I guess praying doesn’t work, I should’ve known that. I felt a crushing pain in my chest, my head feels light and I feel dizzy. A baby that’s not even mine, yet why does it feel I’ve lost him.

“The baby also suffered a chronic malnutrition, it’s irreversible, and he will have physical difficulties in his adult life.”

I know that, I know that he’s not taken care of well, yet I did nothing.

An innocent life has gone now. I could’ve done something… I could’ve saved him. He could’ve fill my empty space, give my life a little meaning… No regret will bring him back, now I have to live with this, live with another painful memory that adds to the rest.

The doctor asked details about the baby, and I confessed that it’s not mine but my neighbor’s. I explained their living conditions and how I found him. After the doctor is done asking questions, I paid for the expenses, which is, almost all of my money.

Because the child is not mine, I can’t take him home with me. I need to tell his parents to come and pick him up, which I knew they never will.

 

I walk home half conscious, I didn’t see the road in front of me and bumped with a few people. I can’t seem to focus, damn, how can I? I can’t feel calm at all. I feel my legs weakened in every step as it finally downed on me…

A baby died in my arms.

He died, before he gets a name. He’s a life, a human life, yet he died before he could live it, and how he died is just…

They. Put. Him. In. A. Trash. Can.

They… he’s even still alive when they put him there. How… how could they do something so inhuman? At least my mother left me when I’m already in my teens, but why a baby, a defenseless baby. What did we ever do wrong?

It’s horrifying how he died, but I can’t help the little relieve in me that he didn’t need to experience the life in this slum. He’s free, he doesn’t need to suffer like I am.

My heart started to ache again, it hasn’t been in the calmest state since I came back. I picked up my pack of smoke, and lit a bud.

Inhaling deep… exhale… then drag, and repeat, again and again.

Beginning to feel a bit calmer, my heart rate in now is a steady beat, but the pressing ache stayed.

I lean my shoulder onto a wall, focused on the nicotine taking effect. Calm. I want my calm back. I… what did I just tried to do? Raise a child? What’s happening to me? Suddenly feeling such affection in such short time. I am not sentimental. I’m used to be alone, I don’t need anyone to fill my space.

It’s his fault, wasn’t it? He made me feel like this. He made me trust him, made me feel things I never get to have, then he’s just… gone now, and I have to pretend like nothing happen. He filled me in, then I pulled him away from my heart, now there’s a gaping hole there, and it’s all his fault.

No matter, I’ll go back to normal, back to the same bitter person that does nothing but earning money in the only way I know.

Just give it time, everything will go back to normal.

I said that, but how much more time do I have to wait now? How many months, how many years do I have to wait till I forget, till my heart numbed again?

Damn, that’s depressing, I don’t want to do that shit.

 

As soon as I reached the apartment, I knock on Haeun noona’s door. I need to tell them about their son, that’s if there’s any one in there at all.

The door slammed open, another sharp smell of alcohol hit my nose and I grimaced at the stench. It came from a man standing in front of me, only clothed with a tank top and murky yellow construction pants. His eyes are half open as his head sways slightly, he’s drunk.

Ugh, just my luck, I get to see the deranged husband.

From what Haeun noona told me, he supposed to be in his mid-30s, but he looked like he’s almost 50. Messy stubble with a bald patch here and there. Had a clean crew cut with a few grey strands, and a bulky figure that made him looked intimidating and towering me.

“What do you want from me whore.” he deeply grumbles.

I face away from his disgusting breath, “I found your son on the trash bin, I brought him to the hospital, he’s dead.”

The man made no change in his expression. I knew he won’t care, I clench down my hands into fist, holding the urge to punch him in the face.

“I already paid for the expenses, you can take him if you want, I don’t care.” I gave him the check, and turn my heel around.

I was held back by his grip.

I shook him off, but his grip is a lot stronger than a thought. His half open eyes now widen in a scary glare, sending goose bumps crawling down my skin.

“All of you whores… you think you can just come to my face and then go as you please.”

“Let go of me.” I warned and pulled my hand as hard as I can, but he yanks me back.

“You’ve touched my woman countless of times, you think I never knew both of you fucking behind my back? She left me because of you!” he screamed and pulled me into his room.

I couldn’t fight his strength back, and my body was slammed against the floor.

I felt my heart pumping faster, my hands felt cold. In panic, I hurry to stand back on my two feet. and bolt, but he’s on the door, blocking my way out.

As I backed off, he slowly approached me and moved away from the door frame. The gap is now far enough, I can get through the door, I need to be fast!

I bolted to the exit right away, as fast as my body would let me. I passed him, but his hand caught me by my hair and stopped me, my heart quickened in panic again, dammit!

I was not fast enough! What do I do… what do I do now?!

I tried clawing his hand, and elbowed his gut, but he didn’t let go. I tried to throw my punches into him, as far as clawing his face, but he didn’t budge. My heart rate quickened as I panicked when I realized he’s way stronger than me. How do I escape this now?!

He pulled my hair, and throw my head face first to the floor.

The floor zoomed in and made a hard contact with my head. A very loud thud echoed inside my brain, my ears ringing, I wonder if I bled too, because it’s excruciatingly hurts. I tried to get up right away to run despite the spinning in my vision, but my body failed to function, and dropped helplessly to the floor. I tried to stand up again, but as soon as my limbs are pushing up, it turned to jelly and my body wavers back to the floor.

I hear a faint sound of rustling, and look up at the man looming over me is un-zipping his pants.

“You must’ve felt good even my bitch can’t get enough of you, I’ll be fucking you to see”

His words made me shudder. I felt blood rushed to my head, fear, and I felt an adrenaline rush in me telling my body to get the hell out of here.

I’m up on my feet in no time, pushing him aside and run. My body jerked when he caught my wrist, and I fought back immediately, throwing punches in his gut and face, all led by the adrenaline in me, but he still didn’t let go.

He pulled me, and kick my knee so hard it throbbed and failed my body to the floor once again with an even louder thud.

He grabs a lock of my hair, and before I could fight back, he bangs my head hard against the floor.

Everything spinning, everything is a blur. I can’t breathe. There is no energy left in my body no matter how fast my heart is pumping right now. I felt like a useless helpless flesh on the ground.

My body won’t listen my heart’s desperate plea to fight, stand! Run away from here!

“You have a face of a woman, you know that?” the man approached, I can’t see his face clearly. Another’s face flashed on my eyes.

_“You look like your mother, but untouched and pure, what a pretty little child.”_

No… What was that? Whatever it is, I don’t want it… I don’t want to feel like that again. He mushed his lips with mine, licking me disgustingly all over my face. I wanted to vomit.

His fingers went under my jeans, soon I feel the cold air hitting the skin on my waist. The rough fingertips between my legs, his disgusting alcohol breath, all feel too familiar.

_“An untouched beautiful boy, I can’t wait to deflower you, oh… this one will bleed for sure.”_

No, I don’t want to… no. I don’t want to bleed, I don’t want it to hurt, my body can’t stop trembling, I’m scared. I don’t know who he is, why is he doing this to me?!

Mom… mommy please stop him…

“Mom, help me…”

“Are you crying boy? You don’t have a mother, do you? You poor broken child.” the whispery voice filled with venom mocked me.

My mother is in the next room, how could he say that?

He flipped me over and pushed my shoulder down against the floor, I cannot move. I struggle, clawing my way out of the weight above me, but uncle is too heavy.

_“Smooth pale skin, what a beautiful whore.”_

Whore? No… no I’m not! Isn’t that what mother is? Is he gonna do things to me like the men she brought home did to her? No… That’s scary… I DON’T WANT THAT.

“MOM HELP ME!!! I’M SCARED, MOM PLEASE!”

I cried, my face is all wet, I keep yelling, but mom won’t save me. Why? Where is she? Why is she not doing anything?

I felt something icky between me, rubbing between my thigh. Ew… What is he doing to me? He’s so heavy, no, no no no no. I kept trying to roll my body over him, but I can’t, the man above me just laughed at me failing to struggle back, at me crying.

Yet no matter how much I scream and cry, uncle didn’t stop, mother didn’t come.

I’m scared, I don’t want this, please save me… I’m scared…

“Mom…help… MOM HELP ME!”

 

 

++++++++

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t do it… I wanted to write the rape scene but I can’t man! I feel tingly, disgusted, and cringed… rape is so wrong… I can’t even write it properly without jerking away from my keyboard… especially if it’s with kids man, damn… WELP I’m not doing the kid rape scene again like ever again, probably with someone older next time…
> 
> I am so nervous about this chapter, tbh this is the first time I’m writing a rape scene, and it turned more vanilla that I’ve wanted, but I can’t do it yall :”D
> 
> The next chapter will take a while since we’re reaching the ending, means maximum angst and drama! It’s my favorite chapter and I WANT IT TO BE PERFECT.


	16. Day 4 | Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon decides that he had enough

I wanted to puke.

This feels disgusting, enough to make me gag. I’ve emptied my stomach on my bathroom as I desperately try to feel better by showering and scrubbing my skin, more and more till it’s bare. My heart was pounding, I cried, I screamed, but now, I’m empty, filled with nothing but despair and helplessness. I couldn’t get it out of my head, I couldn’t just make the scene go away. As the pain stays, the memory surfaced.

It still hurts where he hits me, though my knees are better. My right cheekbone is blue, along with a few points in my body. There is a cut in my lip where he hits my lip ring off. It felt disgusting, even after I literally clawed my body and scrub the murky feeling at the shower it still feels horrid.

As the pain stays, the memory surfaced.

That was the most horrifying thing that had ever happened to me. Though I’ve been raped before, it was never this bad, it never brought me back. The past memories surfaced, my traumatic childhood, like it happened again, and it’s as clear as day. Every feeling I felt that day came back.

And fear, I never felt this much fear. The feeling like you have no power to fight when you’re threatened. I don’t want to do this anymore, if things like that happen again, I don’t know what will become of me.

My bag was at Chanyeol’s, after some rummaging around, I found another one that’s a bit dusty. I pack everything I can into my duffel bag and leave. I paid for this month’s rent, and left right away. I don’t want to stay there anymore. Now I know that she’ll never comeback, there is no use in staying.

I have planned to leave this place, but I don’t know where to go.

I do remember the place of my old pimp, Hakyeon. He took care of me when I was young. He promised that he’ll help me if I need it. I think I’ll stay with him for a while, as long as I’m not alone, and basically in any place other than that, I think I’ll feel safer.

I drag my feet to a neon lighted pub at the clearing of the red-light district. A pub called Milky Way, it was a space theme, hence why I’m called Leo, one of the constellation. A few other ‘constellations’ still worked here, and some left like me.

The place hummed with enticing music, a few poles here and there where people gather and the strippers dance. I knew a few people here, and we share a knowing look.

I spot Hakyeon behind the alcohol counter, now he’s more modestly dressed. I remember back then Hakyeon would hook up with his costumers, wearing the raciest clothes he owned, but not now. The people around me has changed, I guess I’m the only one that stayed the same.

We meet eyes. Hakyeon’s eyes lit up and smiled as soon as he saw me, but it dropped when he noticed the black and blue in my face.

“Leo… what happened to you…” his hand patted my face gently as soon as I’m in his reach. There are a few wrinkles in his eyes, marked that he has aged, but he still looked the same even after all this years.

“You’ve grown taller than me! And handsome too!! But your cut… I think I have a medicine!” I didn’t remember him being this friendly, maybe he always has been. I don’t remember anymore.

Before he turned away, I stopped him, “No need for that, I’m here for a favor”, Hakyeon stopped in his place, eying me softly, “Of course, anything for my lil daegunni” he cooed in a cute way.

I remember that name, the little nickname he gave to me, “Lil daegunni… it’s been so long since I hear that.” I tried to smile despite the pain whenever I moved my face.

“OF COURSE, you never visit since you quit at what… 18? So, now, are you a…” Hakyeon dragged, his smile is falling as he hold back from asking, why is that surprising anymore? He should’ve known.

“Yes, yes I am a prostitute” Hakyeon pressed his lips and nods. I know he kept in a few words to himself right now. He knows that I’ll turn out like this, no matter how much he wanted me not to be.

He gave me a bitter smile, “I see, as long as you stay safe”

I only smiled and nod away, not wanting any unnecessary nag from him, because his nags is the only thing I remember clearly about him.

I know he meant well, he made me a waiter here at 14 out of pity, and I already looked convincingly 18, but I still make secret deals with his costumers because it’s just not enough money. After I have regulars, I quit, since my mom is gone too, I don’t need as much money, so I don’t need to do both.

Maybe calling him a pimp would be an exaggeration.

“So, what favor you’ll be asking of me?” Hakyeon leaned to me with his innocent smile, which I mirrored.

“I need a shot.”

Hakyeon raised his eyebrows, “That’s it? That’s not a favor, I’ll buy you drinks anytime!” he turned around and swiftly poured a drink into the shot glass right in front of me.

I gulped it once and feel the burn pass my throat, and warmed up my stomach, hopefully it’ll kicked in soon.

“Thanks, I’ll take my leave now” I nod my head respectably at Hakyeon, he didn’t seem to let me go with just that.

“WAIT, is that really it? What about your cut? And those bruises!”

“I already put medication over it” Hakyeon felt relieve at my lie, “Okay, but the favor still stands okay?” I nod, and wave him goodbye. There’s a pained expression crossing his face, but I look away before I got too involved.

 

Even after that shot, it still feels painful afterwards, but it didn’t stop my steps. I walked aimlessly, further away from the heart of the red-light city. There are normal food stores as I walked away, and then there’s the residential area that feels familiar.

I told myself that I don’t want to do this anymore, staying with Hakyeon will be just the same. I need to move away from this city, from this life. There is no point in staying there anymore.

Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what else to do except selling my body. Argh, I don’t care about that now, I just don’t want to be here.

Then I spot a small park, lighted with several dim pole lamps. There stood a lonely bench by the angel fountain that stood a few inches taller than me. I know why it felt familiar now, whenever I felt angry towards my mother, I would run away here. I used to cry to this angel, tell my stories, I even prayed to it.

I sit at the bench, pulling out one out of the half dozens of cigarettes packs. There is a park’s ashtray beside me, it’s going to hold a lot of buds tonight.

I light one up, and drag deep till it fills my lungs whole. My lip stings…

‘smoke this Taekwoon, inhale deep, get used to it, this will make all the pain go away’

Remembering back, she was in the verge of crying when she told me to smoke. There were traces of tears in her face too, were she crying when I was raped? Ah, she told me I was a child of rape, means that she experienced it too?

Of course it does, you fucking moron.

Drag again, keep the smoke in, let it take effect, and I feel lightheaded. Calm is rising so painfully slow.

 

I kept smoking, without thinking anything, but just breathing smoke until I finished half a pack.

I know that my smoking habit is bad, I can’t quit for the life of me. I wonder how she quit, I bet she’s clean too now. She was pretty heavily addicted, but now she really got her life together. I wonder if it’s because of her husband. Well good for her huh? She fell in love and tie the knot and all that. She looked happy before I came and ruin everything.

I inhaled deep, more, keep the nicotine on cycle, focus on the taste, focus on the warmth on my lungs, focus on anything else than that memory.

The night is getting deeper, darker, and the cigs taking effect as my body begun to feel warm. I don’t know how much time has passed.

As soon as I started to remember, I smoked, whether it was the bastard that raped me, what my mother said to me, or Chanyeol. I wonder why that woman didn’t just kill me when I was a baby, just like what Haeun noona did to her child. Wouldn’t life be easier that way?

I want to forget everything, I want to believe that none of that ever happened.

I cock my head up to the angel behind me. The water is dried down and the angel grows mold here and there. Her eyes looking down to me in a soulless stare.

Angel, if I pray now, will you grant my wish? I want to forget… give me strength to walk away. I don’t want to be here, yet I’m also afraid of leaving something I’ve known to the bones.

 

Dammit, I can’t believe I just wish upon a rock.

 

I grabbed another pack after I finished one. I’m fully aware how disgusting I’m being, but no one is here to judge me, and I shouldn’t judge myself. I don’t care about me.

A loud ring tears my focus and the silence of the night. The vibration on my pockets signed that the sound came from my phone. As I rummage inside my pocket, there’s my phone and a few knick knacks in there that I never know of. I look at the dialer, it’s an unknown number.

If it’s Chanyeol I’m hanging up.

“Hi there” the voice is oozing with seduction right off the bat.

It sounded familiar, but this is definitely not Chanyeol, is it one of my costumers?

“It’s Sehun”, oh, I forgot about him. I never really expect him to remember my number.

“Still off the market right now.” I replied.

Sehun hums, “Bad day?”

“In a way, I got beat up pretty bad, it’s not a pretty sight.”

There was a pause at the other line, “I wouldn’t mind.” I could almost see him smirked.

Maybe he can distract me, but I’m still in a lot of pain. I don’t even think I’m on my right mind right now, and the memories are still fresh. I don’t want to risk it surfacing again, losing myself to the past, I shivered at the thought of it.

“No, it’s still painful”

“C’mon, I’ll treat you gently, where you at? Your apartment?”

“I moved out, just smoking in some park”

“Hmm, what park, maybe we can have fun there?”

“I’ll call you when I’m available.” I hung up before he can say anything else and turned my phone off.

I sighed, I probably shouldn’t get involved with him anymore, I went to his contacts and blocked him. That should do the trick.

Now that he’s out of the way, I rummage the knick knacks in my pocket that’s been bothering me.

Is it one of my piercings? I thought I already wear everything. I took it out, and I recognize what it was.

 

A cute little sunfish keychain.

 

_“If you want to, let’s hangout again!”_

 

I knew it’ll come to this. I know that we can’t be together, not in any way we wanted, or as whatever we wanted. I wonder what you feel right now Chanyeol, now that things didn’t turn out as you hoped.

 

_“I want you to come home with me”_

 

I laughed at myself. I know he didn’t mean it that way. Yet it didn’t stop me from blushing.

Home, I never really understood the true meaning of it, but when he hugged me, telling me things will be okay, it felt like I belong there in his arms, and I foolishly believed in his words. Just thinking about it makes me want to run back to him, to seek comfort, to be patted in the back, to feel warm and peace…

But he’s not mine, his happiness is not with me, his home is not with me.

 

A warm drop of water dripped down my face, and it landed on the little sunfish in my palm.

 

Don’t cry little sunfish… I don’t want it to cry… yet there are more and more drops landing on the tiny fish.

I can’t stop my tears. This crushing feeling in my chest, it takes me back when I realized she never wanted to comeback. An innocent child me that worked so earnestly for her, then cried hopelessly as she left.

I didn’t care when she didn’t say anything when I got raped, because she told me how to mend after it. I don’t care how much she shunned me, as long as she’s there whenever I came back in the morning. I don’t care if she didn’t mean it, as long as she keeps praising me after I gave her money, I was happy.

I didn’t want anything in return, never even hoped for her to treat me anything special, I just wanted her to stay, that’s all I wanted. I was lonely, so fucking desperately lonely without her… She’s my only family, she’s my mother for fuck sake.

I grip tight on the little sunfish, holding him tight to my chest, hoping for it to make me breathe easier.

Haeun noona’s baby is killed because of neglect. Babies need to be taken care of, so, before I could walk, my mother must’ve give a shit about me, right? She must’ve taken care of me, or else I won’t be alive right now. That’s why she’s my mother… no matter what, she’s my mother… and I loved her for raising me, and I thought, that means she loved me too, deep down in her icy heart.

But man was I wrong, dead wrong.

I don’t want to remember anymore. What’s done is done. That bitch doesn’t see me as a human furthermore her child. The baby died, Haeun noona is exactly like that bitch. I’m raped, yeah I’m raped so what? So fucking what… I brought that to myself, I chose to stay there, I chose to meddle with their family, the dead baby’s family, this is what I get for trying to have something that doesn’t belong to me.

My lips sit on the filter and drag my breath in. More… let my lungs absorb the nicotine until I feel calm. I won’t stop inhaling this poison, not until I’m warmed up like I’m hugged, till the haunting nightmares flew away, as long as I forget.

Forget that I’m such a miserable worthless piece of a human, forget the things I lost, forget the loneliness, forget the people that are no longer in my life.

This time I will leave, this is enough. If I’m alone, no one’s going to walk away from me.

I finally have the will stand up, then wipe little fishy clean from all those depressing tears. Slung my duffle bag back to my shoulder, facing the angel’s dead eyes.

“I’ve lived this pointless life long enough, haven’t I?” I chuckled, and somehow it deepened the stabbing pain in my chest.

I look at the cute fish sitting lazily on my palm, and my mind traveled back to Chanyeol’s cute face when he pouts, his happy face when he does something he loves. The cheerful face when he dragged me around, and the content face when he told me about his family. His smile whenever he met my eyes, and I even witness him get jealous. In those short days, I manage to experience so much of him.

How I envy him, but if anyone deserve any happiness, it’s him. He’s been through a lot, and he finally found his happiness, he’s lucky, unlike Haeun nonna’s baby. An innocent happy boy that has everything, and I don’t want to be the reason that he lost everything. I’ll be glad to be the one that walk away, I have nothing to lose.

I looked at my palm again, and held the cute little sunfish, “At least I can keep you, right? At least just you little sunfish…” _And the memories you hold._ I tucked the keychain into my back pocket.

__I put away my burnt-out cig, taking a deep breath of fresh air._ _

__My heart is pounding, afraid yet excited. I don’t know what possibilities I will encounter after leaving this life. I wonder if she felt like this too back then. If she can find her happiness, then maybe, so can I._ _

__Just not with her, and definitely not with Chanyeol._ _

__Maybe I can learn a thing or two from him, being a little positive about things, because he certainly turned out well, I could never unsee how happy his face could be. How much more am I going to envy the boy?_ _

__First stop, train station, I’m going to wait till the first train is available and go as far away from here as possible._ _

__

__

__++++++_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : I split it up bcs I’m not a fan of putting a lot of words in one chapter lol sorry.


	17. Day 4 | Midnight pt.2

_My heart is pounding, afraid yet excited. I don’t know what possibilities I will encounter after leaving this life. I wonder if my mom felt like this too back then. If she can find her happiness, then maybe, so can I. Just not with her, and definitely not with Chanyeol._

_Maybe I can learn a thing or two from him, being a little positive about things, because he certainly turned out well, I could never unsee how happy his face could be. How much more am I going to envy the boy?_

_First stop, train station, I’m going to wait till the first train is available and go as far away from here as possible._

The roads are dark, but it won’t stop me. As I go towards the dark, a figure a few steps from mine stood like a statue, his sudden presence sent shivers all over my body, suddenly feeling scared.

I’m ready to run to the other direction, before the figure finally comes to light. I saw the face clearly now, and I don’t know whether to run or to scoff. I choose the latter, because my body just froze. The courage I had instantly disperse, and my guilt and pain came back weighing in my shoulder.

Really?

 

“Dammit Chanyeol…”

 

 

He found me. Again. Just when I specifically told him not to, and right after I mentally said goodbye to him too, he just has to appear again.

He ran to me as his widen eyes sees my beaten-up face. He wrapped me in a tight unescapable hug, and my duffle bag thuds on the floor.

His face snuggled on my shoulder, burying his face there. His body so tightly pressed against me, I could feel his rapid heartbeat on my chest. His shirt is the same one from this noon, it’s damp, and his hair wet.

Why is he sweating so much? Has he been running? How the fuck did he find me again?

I don’t know, but the smell of his sweet scent is still there. The warmth of his body seeps in on mine, making my legs want to drop weak on him. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, he feels so good, I don’t want to let go.

Chanyeol held onto my shoulder to look at my face, furious, “WHAT HAPPENED? What’s this cuts and bruises? Who did this to you? Isn’t it painful? Have you treat it? Let’s go to the hospital and let them see those bruises and…”

I pushed him away, pushing him hard until he let me go, that was close, too close for me, “What are you doing here Chanyeol? I told you to not—”

“I DON’T CARE.” His sudden yell silenced me and echoed on that silent street.

I was about to yell back at him, until I see tears welled up in his eyes that caught my breath, “I tried to find you in the apartment, me, mom, and dad we all try to look for you! I asked Sehun for help but even you don’t want to say where you are! You know how scary this shit is??! To think that you’re not going to come back!! And now you’re hurt!”

Oh, so that’s why Sehun called me.

I sighed a ragged breath, it felt like warm rash crawling up my neck. He found me, what’s worse is that I’m fighting my inner self that wanted to break down in his arms, and let go, because I’m exhausted… clueless, and I want to go back where he would say his spell and wrap me in his arms again.

No, that is not how it’s supposed to be, I have to be the one that makes the decision.

“Why are you looking for me anyway? Isn’t it pretty obvious that you don’t want me”

His eyes widen, it’s filled with anger, “I never said that! It’s you the one that runs away!”

“I DID IT BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO COWARD TO REJECT ME.” I yelled in front of his face, hoping to make the point across, but it didn’t shed his angry face.

“You are a happy… greedy little boy, aren’t you? You have everything! You don’t want any side to be hurt, you want to make everyone ‘happy’ but the world doesn’t work like that! That’s why I run away! And I do it for you because I know how it feels Chanyeol!”

His face mellowed into a sad frown as my voice echoed.

I felt tears pricking in my eyes and I roughly wiped them off with my sleeve before they drop, brushing against the bruises, that hurt.

“I know how it feels when you felt like you lost your family, I know how it feels to be alone. I would kill to have a family like yours… I don’t want to take that away from you, not after I knew what happened to you.” that was a slip of a tongue that I can’t take back. I wasn’t supposed to say things like that, now he’ll feel guilty, and when he feels guilty, he’ll be more stubborn to make things ‘right’.

There are tears in his eyes but he and his face is trying hard to keep it together. The both of us stood there in silence, holding back tears we’re too proud to let go. I wonder if this silence means that it has finally reach his brain that he just can’t have everything.

“But what about what you’ve been through?” Chanyeol almost whispered, leaving me with another heavy lump in my chest that I thought I had dropped away.

He wiped the tear welling up in his eyes, “I know that we’ve been through neglect, that’s why I don’t want you to be alone too, I’m trying to hold on to you, I’m TRYING.” he reached out for my hands and held them gently.

“I’m sorry, I froze, I was afraid… Everything happened so fast, I just… didn’t have time to think. I’ve talked to mom, she said she’s sorry to you, she wanted to apologize. She really does, trust me!” I nod, not to agree, but understanding. I understand why he can’t spoke up back then, we all have our flaws.

I understand even without those excuses. She’s sorry to me… what a joke. Even though she’s sorry it wouldn’t change anything. I’m still fucked up, she’s still all happy dandy there with her new family, and I don’t trust whatever she said to convince him.

“Is that it? If so, now leave me alone Chanyeol.”

His grip on my hand tightens, my hands felt sweaty and my heart rate quickened, “You’re not listening to me!”

“I heard you, and you need to leave me alone.” I bore my eyes onto him, he’s confused, and I am angry.

“She’s sorry… huh, so fucking what? You think I would forgive her?” my throats started to dry, my mouth itching. It’s painful, it’s so painful but I need to make an excuse.

 An excuse? Why an excuse? Isn’t the truth harsher than the lie already?

“I get it… Okay fine, there’s no more hard feelings between my mother and I, so?” I shrugged my shoulder before continuing, “Doesn’t mean she wanted me back, doesn’t mean I can. Get this through your brain Chanyeol, what I am… what I did… this world sticks onto people like me. Even my mother is trying so hard to bury it all away behind her, including burying me.”

I took a breath, feeling my hands fidgeting, itching for another cigarette. After this Taekwoon, just get it done.

“So just bury me along Chanyeol, people won’t see you the same when I’m--”

“NO!” He screamed, my body tensed at the tone of anger in it, scattering everything I planned to say.

“You told me that I have everything, but when you leave, it feels empty. It feels so empty that it scared me. The thought of you slipping through my fingers and never be seen again felt like a nightmare… it felt like a nightmare Taekwoon… it feels so wrong… so horrifyingly wrong…” his voice broke as he said my name, shooting pain in my heart.

It’s not my intention to hurt him, did I really mean that much to him? How could he feel that way towards someone like me? And for such a short time, how?

Chanyeol knock his head back, swallowing his tears, and return to face me with eyebrows furrowed.

“I don’t care what it takes, I’m taking you with me. I’m going to be here whether you want it or not.” his face making a dead serious expression while his voice sounded sad even with all that screaming. His eyes brimmed with tears, and he caught it again before it could drop.

I want to believe that, more than anything I want to believe him, yet why am I this scared? He’s here despite everything that makes him afraid, why can’t I do the same thing?

I’m afraid of these new-found feelings, I don’t want them, but at the same time can’t get enough of it. Afraid of getting addicted in that apple honey scent that mixed with his own. Afraid of getting too attached to his presence that I’ll start hallucinating.

I’m afraid of even more pain if one day he’ll leave me too.

He grabbed my shoulder, breaking my train of thoughts.

I didn’t get to see his face, when he launched at me and gave me a soft peck on my forehead. He pressed his lips there for a long time, while slowly wrapping me in his arm. There it is… this wonderful place of warmth. My body fits so tightly to his, it feels satisfying. His lips felt so comfortable, it feels like I’ve melted. My body can’t help but lean onto his comfortable heat.

“I wanted to kiss your lips, but it looked like it’ll hurt you.” Chanyeol whisper on my shoulder, and I blinked, am I… hearing that right?

His hands around me trembled, they still do when he tucked my head to his shoulder, and I rest there comfortably, yet still thinking about what he just said.

“You said that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes… then I want you to stay with me. I don’t care about anything else, but please don’t leave me, you mean a lot to me.” He whimpered weakly.

It feels like my chest is full, I feel like I’m wanted. For the first time ever, someone wanted me in their life. Not to buy me, but just… me. It’s so suffocating yet I feel so indescribably happy. How do I describe what I’m feeling? Like I’m about to die from happiness.

“I will never leave your side as long as you trust me… so please, don’t walk away again.” his voice is quieter now, sounding a bit sad.

Ah, I did runaway, didn’t I? We both hurt each other by being cowards, if Chanyeol could overcome his fear, then I might as well try, right? I’ll try so I can feel this warmth again, every day.

My hands went around to his back, holding him tight as I clung onto his shirt.

“I won’t.” my voice hummed against his shoulder.

Wait, what am I thinking?

I don’t know anymore, I don’t have energy to think.

 “Taekwoon?” he called me, I have never felt this happy from my name being called.

I raise my heavy and spinning head to meet his eyes, smiling so sweetly at me, that’s so cute…

“I’m s-sorry… Forget w-what I said before, a-about…” his voice quivered as he looked down to his feet. I don’t know why he looked so scared and apologized on nothing.

I wonder if it’s about what he said that he wanted to kiss my lips. That’s definitely weird. After all that speech of wanting me as a sibling, then he held me so lovingly like this, but honestly, I wouldn’t mind, just for him.

I cupped his face, wiping the tears off with my thumbs, as he bit his trembling lips, eyes glistening with tears as he looked down.

I always thought he looked cute smiling, but he looked cute this way too.

I wanted to kiss him too, I wonder if he would let me. It feels wrong but… strangely, I want it too. May it be his cuteness, or my gratitude that made me have the urge, I don’t care. Maybe the nicotine is making my head a little loose, or maybe it’s just my heart taking control for the first time.

I leaned in, closing my eyes as my hand rested at the back of his pretty little head. I felt a soft pair of lips carefully placed on mine. A burst of his sweet smell mixed with sweat hits my nose, and I can’t help but smile. I can feel him being extremely careful with the cut on my lip as he places his lips away from the wound.

My body started to lean onto him, feeling weak and in the edge of shutting down. His arms wrapped around my hips tightly, supporting my weight and giving me a safe embrace.

His hug feels like home, his kiss felt like affection. What does that mean I wonder?

After a moment, he moved away from me, but not too far, enough for me to still feel his breath. As I opened my eyes, I saw two smiling face of him, spinning.

“Listen to me, Taekwoon, I-I…” I couldn’t hear what he said after that. He sways left to right, and then my eyelids are just too heavy for me to keep open.

My head and body fail, and they kept floating in air, never hitting the cold hard ground as a pair of arms caught me. Knowing that Chanyeol is here, I can keep my eyes closed and worry about nothing.

I can let go of everything.

 

 

++++++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : I’m so happy. My life is burning right now, but I’m so happy.


	18. Day 7 | Afternoon Pt.1

Felt like I’ve been asleep for a long time. None of the muscle on my body responded except for my eyelids. Taking in a breath that feels a bit heavier, and I just realized that all my piercings is not on me, not even the one on my tongue.

A room where it smelled like chemical. As soon as my eyes are focused, a figure sitting in a chair beside me, their head down, staring something on their lap.

They looked up to me as soons as we meet eyes, “Taekwoon?”, ugh, I know that voice anywhere and any tone.

It’s ‘Chanyeol’s mom’, her eyes are reddish, and so is her nose. She’s just as beautiful as the last time a saw her, the wrinkles in her face did nothing on her beauty. I expected her to curse me again, but she shrunk, looking away as if she’s uncomfortable, and I could say the same about myself.

I wonder why she’s here, I remembered passing out on Chanyeol. I can’t believe he really took me to a hospital… I kissed him too, though I didn’t regret that, I still don’t think it’s the right thing to do.

Yesterday, so many things happened at once, was it yesterday? Or has it been a few days? I don’t know…

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked timidly, which caught me off guard, never thought the spitting screaming fire demon now whispering like a scared old lady, so I just nodded.

She smiled, probably the first time I have ever seen her smile that way at me. Her short hair falls over her peach scarf. She snuggled in her pink sweater jacket as she wiped her glassy eyes with a matching handkerchief.

“I am so sorry…” she said in between sobs, somehow it pisses me off. She thinks she can just meet me when I’m weak like this and start crying like some weak maiden. She can fool Chanyeol and his dad, but not me,

“I already knew your apology from Chanyeol” I mentioned, and she looked sad, probably because the coldness on my tone. I already understand her reasons already, but she cannot expect me to forgive her easily.

She didn’t say anything, not for a long few seconds. Her eyes casted down, looking nervous to even lift her head. I don’t exactly know what Chanyeol said to her that makes her changes so drastically, but I really don’t care anymore. After that nightmare session yesterday at my apartment, I got a few more questions for her.

“You had no money when you wanted to abort me…”

“I’m so sorry Taekwoon I didn’t mean that…”

“You did mean it, but listen to me first…” I put a firmer tone that my voice could do for me.

She didn’t move an inch with her tears filled eyes opened wide. She looks fragile like a single whisper could blow her away, and I couldn’t care less.

“Haeun noona has a child” from her reaction, it seems that she still remembers her, “It was a boy, 4 month old, she didn’t even bother to give him a name, when I comeback, she was gone, and her baby was in the trash can, I tried to safe him but it was too late, her husband then came drunk, I tried to tell him about the baby but he raped me.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said the last one, but it’s not like it’s a surprise.

 “I thought… why didn’t you do that?”

“D-do what?”

“Put me aside when I was a baby, let me die.” my voice sounded cold from all the grudge in me, I just want to know who she really is.

“I-I couldn’t… I just couldn’t do that to an innocent baby…” I waited for her to continue, but nothing, is all that she had to say? To think there’s little bit of human feeling that had crossed her mind at the time baffled me.

“Yet you did in the end, when I’ve grown, hoping that I would have the same fate.”

She gasped, with tears flowing down her cheeks, horrified.

Oh, look at her crying, if it was back then she wouldn’t shed a tear. Now, I don’t know if she’s genuine or not. Can someone change that drastically?

 

I don’t buy this shit.

 

“Seung ok.” I called her, and her eyes widen at her name, I couldn’t guess what that expression means though.

“I promise you, that this will be just between us, but be completely honest with me.”

She nodded, eager with curious eyes on me. Still don’t buy it, she thought she can pull that façade around anyone?

I’ve seen her fake shit for years.

I shrugged, with a smirk on my face, “You don’t give a shit about me, do you?”

She froze, and I could see her lips started to relax, and her eyes started to cloud with the same coldness. There it is, she started to look like my mother again.

“I can’t expect less from my son huh? You little rascal.” She smirked, leaning her back at the chair. Arms folded, and leg on top of the other.

Heh, yeah, she used to call me that.

“Look, I’m even less interested in calling you mom than you calling me son, let’s drop that shit.”

Her perfectly tidy eyebrow twitched, but then she rolled her eyes, “Whatever, thought you missed me or something, at least that’s what my husband told me”.

I felt my lips twitched, I do, but my pride won’t let me say the truth. I don’t want to see her as my mother anymore, and this is the first step I’m going to take to completely detach myself from her.

“Not anymore, since you’re such a bitch, and still is I see.”

She glared at me when she notices my playful tone, “Don’t bare your fangs on me, I told you, this stay as a secret, I won’t tell them anything about this conversation. So, tell me the truth, why didn’t you kill me?”

She huffed, relaxing her eyes from her glare, but the scowl stayed.

I could see her face stiffen, like holding back something to say to me, I know there’s something she kept to herself. She closed her eyes, and sighed.

“Kill is such a strong word, I just thought… I could have a shot of building a family with you, okay? but it’s hard, me being by myself, and staying in that disgusting slums, with the haunting nightmares always looming over me. I gave up, I wanted to start fresh, and you’re a burden to me.”

Now that’s more believable.

I know I get to hear her genuine answer, but I didn’t know it’ll hurt again. To think that she DID wan’t to get along with me, and to be a family, to think she did think of me as her son. I curse myself, did I do something wrong that she give up on me? I had the chance to make it right, did I miss it?

I brush the thought aside. No, I did nothing wrong, it was her that give up. Her suffering has nothing to do with me.

I don’t want to succumb into a pathetic self-blame again, this is her fault.

She looked up to me, with those deadpan eyes, “I couldn’t care less what you turned into, but I hate you for telling Chanyeol about me letting you get raped. I go through the same thing, it’s not like it’s such a big deal, he gave us money anyway. The smoke thing works right? If anything, you should’ve thanked me.”

Her words almost make me puke, ‘not like it’s such a big deal’, when the memories because of that day has haunted me till this day. Even she herself knows how it feels like when a memory looms over our head.

A part of me think that she brushed it off like that to forget that it happened to her too. I didn’t say anything, in the same hope to forget.

“Couldn’t care less about the past now, and whoever’s in it, nor what happened to you, or me. I thought you’re going to succeed in dragging me down when you came, stripping them away from me for revenge. Playing victim didn’t work, pushing you away didn’t work either, if they really do leave me I would’ve killed you… but, my husband and Chanyeol accept me for who I am. And I tell you, it’s the greatest feeling on earth.” Her tone started softening, and I know this is her genuine thoughts.

I mentally pat myself at the back for guessing right about her not feeling remorse, and knowing that her killing intent was real. Then I was slightly surprised she could have that kinds of dedication, but then again, I knew how that feels.

“I love them Taekwoon. If it keeps them around me, then be it welcoming you as my son, pretending to be kind, and beg on my knees for you to forgive me, I’ll do anything for them to stay happy with me.” She said my name with a shaky voice.

Through her cold eyes, I can see real tears build up in them. My heart pinched deep, this is the first time she ever said she loved someone, and it’s not me. I guess that’s already a given, I don’t even know what to feel now. She might be the shittiest mom to me, but she’s the ‘best mom ever’ for Chanyeol, I at least have to give her credit for that.

It’s not like I forgive her, but I don’t have a grudge either, I just don’t want to care about her anymore. Yes, she’s still such a cocky bitch, but I can’t deny that she’s changed, she doesn’t look like the same person that left me, and she’s the same person that gave Chanyeol a better life.

And I wouldn’t have need to know that she’s happy now, why is she rubbing it to my face?

 “That’s more than I asked Seungok. Why are you telling me all this?”

She looked down, with eyes looking for answers, “I’m finally happy now, so, just wanted you to know that whatever revenge you plan for me, I won’t hesitate to destroy you.” Her eyes looked up again, now filled with threat as her voice growl.

I rolled my eyes, show me something I haven’t seen. She looked scary that time, but now she only looked like a scared kitten that’s afraid of losing her treat. She’s desperate to keep her happiness, just like Chanyeol huh? They’re really one annoyingly cohesive family, just how much did she love her new-found family?

I already know that answer, didn’t I?

She’s not my mother anymore, and she can’t act nasty to me knowing that her ‘family’ will crumble if she did. She has no significant place in my life anymore, she didn’t need to be.

“Don’t be so full of yourself, I have even less interest in your life than you are in mine.”, I shrug, and took a deep breath, feeling a little lighter.

I felt a smile creeping up to my face, though I do feel like I lost a mother, I’m glad to know I’m not her trigger anymore, and knowing her true intentions. It didn’t feel like she has that much of an effect on me, this bitch is their problem now. If being with them neutralize her, then I can’t do anything about that anymore.

She’s happy now, and me? I’m going to be okay if that childish guy sticks around to brighten up my day, and it seems that he’s going to be attached to me for a while.

I can’t believe it works, talking things out like this, I can’t believe I’m admitting that Chanyeol is right, talking things out DOES work.

Though what she did will leave a scar, what’s the use of holding grudges against a person that didn’t exist anymore.

“I’ll get out of your hair as long as you’re out of mine, let’s just live our life huh Seungok?”

Her defensive face fell, and I could see her eyes soften on me. Her signature smirk showed up again, “Deal.”

 

 

+++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: and ofc there’s gonna be pt.2 but I dunno when to publish it tho I gotta tidy up my life first, love yall.
> 
>  
> 
> Kudos if you likee, comment and tell me what you thinkkk, it will be food for my soul :")


	19. Day 7 | Afternoon Pt.2

_“I’ll get out of your hair as long as you’re out of mine, let’s just live our life huh Seungok?”_

_Her defensive face fell, and I could see her eyes soften on me. Her signature smirk showed up again, “Deal.”_

 

She called the doctor to examine me. I had been asleep for 3 days, in all those 3 days, they have been waiting for me. The three of them worked, and take 1 day of their work days to wait for me. I felt touched by their gesture, me being in this hospital must be under their care too.

The doctor said the reason of me fainting was too much nicotine intake because I chain smoked. There is also physical abuse, mental trauma, lack of nutrients and rest. He also slipped an information that I need to cut back on the cigarette, and that I’m clean from any sexual diseases, which is surprising… but at the same time, I’m relieved.

She told me that there are signs of rape when I was first examined, and now she knows who it is. She wants to inform the both of them about this since they wanted to make the man go to jail. I don’t really care, they can do what they like, and Seungok seems to be on the same page with me. I bet she just went along with them, for their sake.

After the doctor left, not long after that, the door opens with a loud bang.

“TAEKWOON!” his deep voice boomed, of course it was Chanyeol.

His hair was pulled back neatly, paired with a dark brown suit, making him look like your everyday office worker.

“Channie, we’re at the hospital, keep it down.” Seungok giggled innocently annoying, but Chanyeol didn’t listen.

He runs to me and throw his briefcase to the side. His hand cupped my face and land a kiss on my forehead “MMMUUUAH”. It happened so fast, I don’t even have time to say no to him.

He pressed his cheek on top of my head, since now the bed made me in a sitting position, he didn’t have to bend lower to mush his face on my head as hard as he capably can.

 “OOOOOoOoOOoH Taekwoon I worry so much!!! You scared me how could you just fainted in front of me like that you should’ve told me that you feel dizzy or wanted to rest or something I just--” Chanyeol keep on rambling without a comma, then fear started to rise as I realized his mom is still here.

I glance her way, and she did nothing but keeps up her smile at Chanyeol. Ah, maybe it’s not surprising for Chanyeol to be like this, I didn’t, but I thought she would be a bit protective of Chanyeol since it’s her son, and she just threatened me a few minutes earlier.

Guess she REALLY didn’t care what I am anymore huh?

Her face shifted, and gave her son a look. Chanyeol caught it and immediately calmed.

He sat on my other side, surprisingly still holding my hand in front of her, “Chanyeol, it’s true, that man was the one that did ‘that’ to Taekwoon” she said as soon as Chanyeol look into her eyes.

They share an understanding look. ‘That man’? Did ‘that’? Did he know about Haeun noona’s husband? I must’ve missed something when I was out.

His hand on mine tensed, with a face that grows bitter. His eyebrows narrowed, making his widen angry eyes even scarier, I never thought that I could see him this angry. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them.

“I’ll take care of it” his deep voice sounded like a death threat. Eyes that spelled anger, yet his hands still hold on to me calmly.

He suddenly mellowed, and pursed his lips at me, looking like a playful child again. It’s eerie how quick it –

“Mom, I love Taekwoon”

My heart stopped and plummet into an abyss.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He kissed me once doesn’t mean that he can just say that to me! In front of this unstable bitch too! Was that even counted as a kiss??

 

Wait wait wait… Maybe he’s joking? He does tend to not filter his jokes.

 

His face didn’t crack a smile even for a bit.

 

Fuck he’s real on this.

 

Shit.

 

From seeing the reaction on her face, it seems like it’s the first time she has heard it too. What the hell is going on? What is this kid doing? I didn’t know what to say, all I can feel is a little bit pissed off at this childish kid in an adult skin.

I hit his arms, and he twitched in pain in an exaggerating way, “AHH!”

“Don’t joke about shit like that…”

“But I’m not!” I wished that he would do another comical expression, but he didn’t. His eyes bore into mine with a look that I’ve never seen before. It was intimidating, yet at the same time it made my face warmed, and my heart pounding harder by the second.

His eyes directed to his mother, and I followed. She seems like she was caught off-guard when she meets our eyes, and cleared her throat.

“U-um, yes, your father and I have talked about this and realized that you might have a crush on Taekwoon, I-I was getting ready for this to happen but it’s quicker than I imagined…” she seems uncomfortable in her seat and finally stood up.

“I know that technically speaking, you’re both step brothers…”

Yes, THAT. I pointed at her and nod, giving Chanyeol a look.

I wanted to point that out too, that is right, isn’t this is just too weird to be ha-

“But you’re not related by blood, and we really don’t care what you do as long as you’re happy and be responsible.”

Oh. My. Lord. What is WRONG with this family and their ways, they even affected her, that can’t be really what she’s thinking!

“No! Talk sense to your child!” I raised my voice at her, ready to fight on this, she can’t just… let her son do this to… well… biologically her other son! I thought she wouldn’t let me touch her family.

Her eyes darted to me in a softer way and she smiled, “I… have kept Chanyeol in my cage, and kept you away long enough… I don’t want to interfere anymore. I want you to find your happiness Taekwoon, no matter what… just like I found mine.” she gave me a gentle squeeze on my hand.

I don’t know what’s the meaning of her gesture is, nor if I could believe what she’s saying is genuine.

 

“I’m getting out of your hair Taekwoon, let’s just live our life, hm?” She flashes me a quick smirk before returning to her sweet smile.

 

I can’t believe it… did she really meant those words then? For me to find happiness no matter what… I… who is she?

“So-uh, seems like you two need to talk, I will return to work then.” she nodded and walk out of the room, did she… thought that she was third wheeling? This family in confusing.

That doesn’t matter, what matters now is this idiot beside me. After she’s gone Chanyeol looked like there’s nothing wrong at all, and back to just being all smiley at me. Though it’s cute, I’m not buying that.

“You!” I scolded at him, and he seems to be unfazed by that as he looked up innocently, “You can’t just say that out of the blue!”

“Why can’t I?” he whined like a child throwing a tantrum, “I love you, and my mom needs to know, and I already told my dad yesterday.” he said it like it was the most normal thing to do but it’s not, how do I get around him…

“Where is this coming from anyway? I kissed you once and suddenly you love me? I don’t know how many times I have said this to you, We. Just. Met.”

“I know I know ‘we just met’ and all, but I’m not the one in control in how I feel, I mean… I don’t understand either, doesn’t mean I have to reject it.”

He got a point there.

NO Taekwoon, think! Talk sense into him, there are a lot more points that needs to be addressed here. Me? And Chanyeol? In a romantic relationship? Just thought of it makes my cheeks tingles. Does that mean I can return to him every day? Having the same days as the past 2 days…

No! Taekwoon get out of your unrealistic daydream.

I took a deep breath, I need to be calm about this, “I’m a man, and I know I’m more liberal when I have clients, but this is more serious than that.” he winced when I talked about ‘clients’, maybe now he understands what I’m going for here.

I’m not planning to go back to that life, it’s what I decided when I left the apartment, even though I don’t know what to do next. I may not be like that anymore, doesn’t mean it never happened. That’s another worry I have, I didn’t even graduate high school. I don’t know what to do here.

Not only that, if you look at it, there are tons more problems and I don’t know where to start.

“We are step brothers, it’s still siblings, and its incest, that’s not right.”

“Let me stop you there, we have no blood relation, it’s not incest.” Chanyeol shook his index fingers.

“It’s… it’s not?” Chanyeol shook his head with a proud smirk on his face, he knew he won this discussion. Dammit.

His hand clenching down mine, he picks it up and kissed my knuckle. It felt warm where his lips just touched, giving my heart a jump in a process too. He pressed my hand to his cheeks. I melted at the sight of him smiling at me, it was a genuine smile. I know that he only smiles like this when he did something that makes him happy, like when he drums… and… when I held his hand.

Seeing how that smile is directed to me, I feel like I’ve accomplished something in my useless life.

“I love you Taekwoon, I don’t care about anything else.” my heart feels like it’s about to explode, but I don’t want to get carried away.

“I’ve done so many things you wouldn’t--”

“Did I stutter?” he put it firmly.

His face didn’t have the same usual goofiness, his serious face is rather new to me, and now that he sees me like that make me flustered, and looked down to hide my heated face.

Now what should I do? I was never loved, nor have I love anyone like this. Chanyeol have grown fearless, and it felt like I’ve been swept off my feet. He nudged my stance, and made me stood imbalance on a ground I thought solid.

I don’t trust myself in loving him, I want to cherish him but afraid of failing that. I’m scared that I don’t know how to make him happy. I want to be able to be beside him without shame, and I want him to feel proud of me when he’s beside me. I don’t want people to shun him because of me. People like me are hidden beneath the dark, no one would want to be caught with us beside them.

I know you’re not that stupid Chanyeol, you know what I am, and I know how your world is, yet you still choose me. I ran away as you try to face your fear, I don’t know what I can do to repay you.

“What are you afraid of Taekwoon?” He gently said, I looked up, and found his face blurred from the built-up tears in my eyes that I just noticed.

I take in a breath that turns ragged, hoping I could calm down, but the tears fall anyway,

“I’m afraid you’ll lose everything because of me.”

My voice broke, gosh it sounded embarrassing. I don’t want Chanyeol to be my mother, he’ll leave too because of me. I don’t want to go through that again, I’d rather be alone.

He scoffed slightly, bringing my hand to his chest as he leaned and bore his eyes deeper into mine, “Maybe, but not everyone…” He kissed my hand once again, “The people that really cares for me would understand, didn’t you say that to me?”

Yes, I did, and now when he said it back to me it’s so hard to believe. How did he believe me when I said it? because the different circumstances of course, both of us are different. How do I put that idea to him, so that he could understand—

He slightly tugged my hand, making my rambling mind into a halt,

“Stop seeing yourself as a prostitute, I never did.”, and I felt my breathing stopped, if he didn’t see that of me…

“Then what did you see me as?”

Chanyeol raised his eyebrows, he looked like as if he hears wrong, until he finally smiled “As Taekwoon.”

He paused to smile at me like it was the most obvious thing, “Your profession, what you did, where you came from, what does those have to do with anything? Though they may make up who you are now, you’re a person, and I love this person. Isn’t that the most important thing?”

I don’t know that. How can I know that sort of thing? What person am I? Aren’t I… a whore? It’s been what I am, I don’t know if there can be more than what I am labeled as.

How? I wanted to ask, how? How did he not see how vile I am? How did he just see pass everything I have done, and what his current mother had done? I bet he forgave her too, just like how he… loves me even though I’m like this.

I don’t know if I can be like that. I want to be as brave as him, as truthful as him. I never had the motivation to change, but he dragged me here, accepting everything I am. Maybe I could try, for him, because it seems like he won’t let me go, and it seems like I can’t too.

It’s not wrong right? I want to feel happy too, I want to be loved too, finally. Just like my mother that left, then I can leave too.

I can leave.

I open my arms, reaching out to him, and like reading my mind, Chanyeol leaned closer with a smile on his face, and wrapped his arms around me. I bury my face in his shoulder to hide my crying face and silence my sobbing, it didn’t work.

I could feel his arms around me tightening, his lips on my shoulder trembled as he gives me his warmth.

“I love you.” His voice shakes as warm teardrops landed on my skin.

My hands clung to his back, hugging him tight. He smelled sweet, like crushed apple and honey. Everyday, just like this, smelling this scent, feeling this warmth, fit into these arms, wouldn’t this make me so happy? Because right now, is the happiest I have every been in my life.

I felt like nothing is missing. I’m not alone anymore. I’m loved.

“I love you too, Chanyeol”

Those words came right from my heart, and somehow it feels really painful to finally say and admit, because I never really used to say what’s in my heart. It felt freeing yet painful in a way.

We stayed there for a few seconds, I feel my tears rolling down to his suit. His hand grabbing me securely on my back, I haven’t feel this safe in my life.

 

I fell into a nap with him snuggled beside me. He hugged me close, so our body could fit in the single bed.

 

Sleeping in his arms, wrapped in his warms embrace as his scent lulled me into sleep, I could stay like this forever.

 

 

+++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN :
> 
> And of course it won’t be me if I didn’t include sex scenes! It’s coming (LOL), and next chapter will be the last chapter (phase cuz you know I love to break things apart, what.), BUT I do have a lot of extras on this story tho, so even tho it has complete status, I would update the extras of them being lovey dovey because I can’t move on, thanks.


	20. Day 11 | Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon learned a lot about Chanyeol
> 
> Warning for explicit sexual content.

Turns out, Chanyeol is a lawyer, who's working under his dad’s firm. I was surprised as hell when I found out. I would never have guessed, that this goofy childish kid, is a lawyer. Isn’t being a lawyer a serious job? Their humble house, their suburban, simple living style just didn’t scream ‘lawyer’ to me.

When he said he would take care of it, I didn’t think that he himself would take on the case. I only found out about it when I came to the court trial as a victim and to give testimony, and he sat beside me as my lawyer. I was baffled as hell as I took my seat. I guess that explained his neat look whenever he wore suits.

Haeun noona’s husband already had a few rape charges filed, but none bothered to go to court. I understand that, if the people he raped were people like me, then things like that are our occupational hazard, so we never bother. He was also charged for neglecting his child, and for that, he was finally sentenced to jail.

 

What a crazy few days.

 

I was discharged from the hospital on a Saturday. Chanyeol brought me to his apartment, since now I’m now going to be living with him, and apparently, I have no say in it. His place is messy again, I'll have to tidy up tomorrow. He hadn't moved my stuff from his cupboard, so I just added the rest there.

After I showered, he’s there again crouched on the floor with his bangs tied up with a bright pink scrunchie and a pair of glasses sitting on his face.

“Work?” I asked, it felt like Deja vu.

“Nah…” he said, then he focused again on what he was doing.

I dried my hair and hung the towel outside. Now that I think about it, he’s really young to be a lawyer, isn’t he? Well, it's not like I would know if someone can be too young or too old to do something.

 “How old are you?”

Chanyeol turned his head to me, surprised, “We are the same age, Taekwoon! That’s why I’m addressing you casually!”

“What? All this time I thought you were younger than me”. I never would’ve thought that a kid like him was the same age as me.

He seems to realize that I was surprised, “Oh, I look young, don't I?” he said with a smug face as he twirled his fountain hair.

“No, you act childish.”

“Free spirited! It’s called being young of the soul! Thank you by the way!” he playfully smiles and acts like a blushing teen girl, I can’t help but scoff at him “Whatever”

I sat beside him on the floor, looking at his laptop, and see he’s browsing for apartments.

“You want to move?”, he nods. “We need a place with two bedrooms, now that you’re moving in with me. Let’s pick together!”

He continued browsing, our shoulder’s touching, and his head leaning on mine. Moving to another apartment would be a bother, wouldn’t it? It’s not like two bedrooms are necessary.

“We’re lovers, right?”

“Of course, baby~~” he smiled wide, showing his gums and kissed the top of my head.

“Then we don’t need 2 bedrooms, do we?” his playful smile disappeared, his face suddenly red.

“I-I-I guess? But won’t it be cramped?”

“I don’t mind.” I leaned towards him, and he scooted back till he hit the wall behind him, and I get an urge to tease him.

“Don’t you wanna sleep with me?”

“I DO BUT-” he screamed like a cornered kitten, and his sudden change amused me.

“Then what are you waiting for? I’m yours, aren’t I?” I asked him seductively, and he gulped. I was having too much fun. If he pinned me down right now, I wouldn’t mind.

“I do want you, but I’m taking it slow, you just got back from the hospital, I don’t want to hurt you.” he looked away, embarrassed, his legs tucked into his chest.

His face is still red as he nervously bites his lips, I wonder if he’s turned on, because I am. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. No one had ever cared if I’m hurt or not.

His eyes darted to me with a stronger gaze this time and caught me off guard, “You are beautiful, Taekwoon, I don’t know if you've notice it, but you’re fucking hot.”

I felt heat creeping up to my cheeks. “You have long limbs, and a pair of the most beautiful legs I have ever seen. Your face is so cute I want to munch on your cheeks, your hair feels soft! Your eyes light up when you smile, and have I ever mentioned how cute you are when you-”

I pressed my hand on his lips “Okay okay I get it! Stop!” I feel like my face was about to melt from how it’s getting hotter.

The two of us sat facing eachother, eye to eye with a red face, aren’t we such a couple of fools? I started laughing at how I lost my cool after I had been boldly seducing him. He didn’t seem to find anything entertaining when I laughed, since he stayed pouting with his legs tucked.

I tried to regain my cool. Now, how do I approach a scared kitten?

“Don’t you want to kiss me?” I went closer to him, to offer myself up, and he nods.

He glances at my lips before looking me in the eye, “May I?”, he asked for permission. No one has ever asked, and in such a manner too. My heart rumbles at the sudden question, I think I’ll be feeling like this for a while, now that I’m with him.

“Yes”.

He leant towards me, and I tilted my head to let him come closer.

His lips touched mine so gently, and warmth started shooting all over my body as he caresses me very carefully, like I’m such a fragile thing to touch, although I’m not.

I leaned my body onto him completely, our chests touching, not leaving any space between us. My hand supporting his jaw to match mine so that I can kiss him deeper, I nibble on his bottom lip, top lip, just eating him up deliciously. There is this rush in my head as I kiss him. The rate of my heartbeat is pacing faster, it feels like I’m floating on air. He tastes so delicious, and the smell of apples made him even yummier.

His hand grabs my back carefully, and I moaned at his touch, suddenly feeling sensitive. He’s touching me over my clothes, but my skin burns wherever he touches. He’s finally kissing me back, and he has both of his arms are around me.

He started to lick my lips, so I parted my lips to let him in. He didn’t take the invitation, so I pulled his jaw down to open his mouth, and went in instead. Our tongue move slowly together, roaming each other’s mouth. I seized his tongue, feeling it fully and playing with it. Our breaths became erratic as I rubbed myself on him.

I’m really turned on, and he’s making me hard when he hums at my touch. My body feels hot all over, I wanted more, I want him to touch me more.

“Chanyeol, I want more”

“Tell me how you want it”. I smirked, he’s getting into it now. I took off his pink scrunchie and sat up to take off my clothes.

Chanyeol stopped me when I was half way through, “WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD IT RIGHT THERE” he held onto my arms, and pull them down to cover me again, “I THOUGHT WE WERE NOT GOING THERE, you just got out of the hospital!”

I sulked, so what if I just got out, it’s not like I’m dying.

“Fine, just kiss me more” I went back to his arms, but he stopped me again by grabbing my shoulder “WAIT”.

“What now?” I sighed at this chatty boy, maybe he didn’t want me now?

“Can we not do it on the floor?” I chuckled and playfully rolled my eyes, “Fine.” I pulled both of his hands to get him up. I sat on the bed first, and reached out to him.

Chanyeol just stood there, so I became sulky, “Come here Chanyeol…” I demanded, and he chuckled at me, “Yes, yes, I’m here”. He planted both his hands between my body, and knelt on the floor in front of me.

His hair is messy like he’s been electrocuted, and I comb his locks back with my fingers, his hair is completely flat and he looks like a nerd. I mentally giggle at him, what have I done to deserve such a man? His touch makes me feel safe, I feel like I can go as far as I want and know that I’ll be okay. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I keep on pressing his buttons, maybe I should stop pushing him.

I pressed my temple against his, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, “Am I being to pushy?”

He scoffed, “You just realized that? I was honestly surprised that you made a move on me first, I was about to make a move on you but I tried to wait until you’re comfortable”

I smiled at his words, can he be any sweeter? “I AM comfortable.” I opened my eyes, looking deeply into his eyes.

He’s smiling like a goof, looking at me lovingly like a kid seeing their crush. I feel heat creeping up my cheeks, being a part of this kind of closeness is something new for me. I can’t believe what I feel, my chest thumping harder each time, feeling hot all over.

I cupped his face, touching every detail on it with my thumb as he closed his eyes. My feelings seeming uncontainable, I don’t know what to do with this new found feeling. It feels good, and enticing no matter what he does to me.

I kissed his cute nose. I love his face.

I kissed his cheek and down to his neck. I love his body.

Both my hands slipped down to his chest.  I love his heart.

I kissed his temple. He makes me feel happiness, something I thought would never experience again.

“Taekwoon?”

I hummed at his call, and moved away a bit, “Thank you” I raised my brows, not really understanding why he would thank me.

“For what?” I questioned, Chanyeol just smugly smiled at me, “For being mine~~~”

For a moment, I felt touched by the words, but my neck shudder at the cheesiness, but I let him be. He leaned and hugged me around the waist, burying his face in my stomach and humming happily. I guess I need to wait for him till he wants to hold me.

But how long must I wait for that? I mean I don’t mind but… he’s turning me on, and if he kept acting like—

Suddenly my back is flat on his bed. His hand cradling my neck, as he slowly descends to my face. He laid on top of me but didn’t lean his weight on me.

So much for a ‘scared kitten’, turns out I don’t have to wait at all.

“Pretty Taekwoonie” he breathed on my face, our noses touching. His other hand is combing my damp hair. His thumb is circling on my cheeks , as his eyes bury deep into my soul. Those lusty hungry eyes, I’ve never seen them like this before.

“You’re pretty too Chanyeol” my hands are grabbing the back of his shoulder to hold him tight. My heart is beating out of my ribcage, feeling so warm and safe under him… and turned on.

His lips land on mine gently, tasting them very carefully because my lips had just healed. He’s so sweet, and the smell of apple and honey is intoxicating. He’s slipping his tongue between my lips, and I immediately let him in and greet him with my tongue.

Slowly, his tongue moves as he curiously feels around the cavern of my mouth. Then passionately, caressing me inside as our teeth clack and saliva starts dripping from my mouth. I’m rubbing my crotch on his, and I can feel his member is up and erect, just like mine. There are shivers on my skin wherever he touches me.

His kisses trail down to my jaw, neck, then he nibbles on my ear, and that's when I lose my mind. Fire ignited in me as my member feels like it’s about to burst. My hand bunch up his shirt behind him as my back archs.

His hand slip under my shirt, slowly touching my skin with his fingertips. The skin above my bones feels a little more sensitive, and it sets me on fire whenever he touched me there.

“Taekwoon.” he whispered in my ears, as his breaths hits my ears I let out a moan. His desperate low voice, it’s like he’s begging me to touch him thoroughly.

“Let me know if I go too far”

Yes. Finally.

My hands pull down his sweat pants along with mine. I can feel him startle a bit by my move, but I kept his mind occupied with kissing. Now our members are completely out, I couldn’t see, but my hands are touching his, he’s already a little wet with precum. So he did get turned on, only by kissing too, I’m flattered.

I grab a hold of it, completely taking it in my palms, I think it’s a little bit bigger than mine. I grab his length along with mine pressed against him, stroking them together. I felt my legs twitch with almost every stroke.

I could feel his hands under my shirt, I don’t know when he got there, but his fingers didn’t hesitate to explore every curve and dent of my body. I could feel it all, the tip of his fingers on my skin, on my hipbone, then up to my ribs and finally reaching one of my nipples.

He breaks away from my lips and nibbles down my jaw to the lobe of my ear as his fingers tease the bit of flesh in my chest. My hands clenched tighter around our lengths from the sensation.

I never really knew how sensitive my senses could be until Chanyeol puts his hands on me. My heart is pounding, I don’t understand what’s happening to me, but fuck, his tongue on my skin along with his hands, feels so good.

Both my hands are enveloping our cocks and I tried to steadily rub them together. They're dripping with precum and it's made them all slippery and nice. Chanyeol sits up with both his knees between me. His eyes don't move away from me as he takes off his hoodie. A pair of eyes that stares me with lust and hunger that makes me shiver.

For a while, I forgot that this was the cute and childish Chanyeol.

With one of his hand beside my head he hovers over me. His hips thrusting, fucking my hand. Strands of his hair fall down covering a part of his lustful face as he ferally fucked my hand. Who knew that Chanyeol had this side of him? But I personally enjoyed this side too.

My hand moved, stroking us even more. My fingers rubbed on top of his slit, and he closed his eyes, moaning as he breathed out his lust. His other hand joined me and began to copy my teasing.

Cum drips between my fingers, as we both hump each other. It’s good, fuck it feels so good. I can feel I’m reaching my limit, I’m going to burst. I’m clenching us tighter, and his eyes twitched at my gesture, I could tell he’s at his limit too.

With one hard stroke, the both of us cums together. The milky liquid is all over my abdomen, and some had reached my face. I grit my teeth as my body vibrates out of control, letting the orgasm take over me. I breathe in, sobering myself from the trance. Chanyeol still has his eyes on me as he breathes heavily.

I gulped, damn, he looked really handsome like this.

He moves down to my face, licking the cum on my cheek and gently biting it. I shudder at the feel of his tongue on my face, from the look of his expression, he seems to know the effect he had done to me. Cheeky, isn’t he? Two can play that game.

I squeezed my hand, jerking his half limp dick, teasing it until I can feel it jerked up and tensed.

“Hey!” he barked with a flushed face, which I reply with a teasing chuckle.

I push him down on his back, so I can stand away for a while to take my clothes off.

“Stop that, we are not doing this Taekwoon, not yet”. I just smirked at him, his words didn’t match his actions at all, his dick is more honest than him.

I stood up a moment to take off my pants, and I could see his eyes staring at my body lustfully.

“I… How…” he stuttered, and I might know why.

“I know right? My body doesn’t have any hair.” I kneel down in front of him, yanking his pants off, “I had laser hair removal.” a costumer had preferred it that way, and since she was the one paying, I didn’t mind, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Are you turned off by my body?” I asked, as I kissed his inner thigh, and licked drips of semen there, while my hips felt up his slightly hairy calf.

“I don’t think I can be turned off by you in any way” I smiled at him. Isn't he the sweetest? But I know he won’t be as sweet when he gets down to it.

I saw how his eyes could turn wild earlier, and I can’t wait to experience that side of him more.

I climb up and cradle him between my legs, rubbing my member with his. I positioned his member between my ass, “Fuck me Chanyeol…” I demanded. His eyes look up to me, and I can see his resistance wearing thin.

“You can do me all night long…” I move my hips, rubbing my entrance on his dick, damn, I’m twitching, “… if you want.”, please say you want me, I don’t know what I would do if you don’t.

He sits up while holding my back as he lays my body on the bed, “You…” he’s face is pissed off, and I hummed mockingly at him, “…you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?!”

“Hmmm, maybe?” my hands travel up from his hands to his shoulder, meeting a pair of eyes that looked doubtful.

He sighed “My effort to hold myself back is crumbling down into dust.” He was holding himself back? And to think that he didn’t want me.

“I don’t know what your sexuality is.” I confessed, it’s going to seem a little pathetic, but what’s the use of hiding things from him anyway? He looked confused already.

“I was desperately trying to see if you can be sexually attracted to me, I would be devastated if you weren’t gay or bi, and just left me for a woman or something”

Chanyeol blinked, his face looking comically offended before he rubs his knuckles on my head, which is surprisingly a bit painful. Ow.

“You’re watching too much kdrama!” he pulled both my arms, and now we both sit facing each other.

Chanyeol huffed, I guess he was trying to look serious, but ended up looking like a sulky child, “You see this dick?” a sulky teenager.

He pointed at his dick, a still erect dick while mine is already half soft from all this talking, “Uh huh, so?”

He raised an eyebrow, “I’m hard for you!”, he pointed out like it’s the answer of all the questions in the world, but I’m not impressed.

“So? It was because of my hard work.” making a straight man become turned on because of me, especially Chanyeol, this is the first time I’m proud of my skills.

“NO! I’ve been hard for you ever since you stepped into my apartment!”

Oh, that’s… interesting… and weird… all that time he had said that he sees me as his sibling and all.

“AND DON’T YOU DARE GET CREEPED OUT I NEVER THOUGHT OF YOU AS MY BROTHER”

“But you said…”

“I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO CREEP YOU OUT, and I didn’t plan to fall in love with you!” his voice sounded sincere, his eyes cast down, hiding away his red face.

I smiled at the suddenly shy boy, “I didn’t plan on it too” I confessed, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Isn’t this weird that we’re having this conversation when we’re naked and about to have sex?” I chuckled. He leaned his head on top of me, with his arms around my hips.

“Well yeah… but you NEED to know that I would never leave you alone, not because of anything, or anyone. To HELL with whatever my sexual identity is! I just want you.” I know I’ve heard him say these types of thing a couple of times now, but somehow, I can never get used to it, never get used to hearing him saying these sweet words to me.

“Really?”

He scoffed, then kissed me on the lips, “Really.”

I smiled feeling somewhat reassured. He just wants me huh? Well, with those words he can have all of me.

I sit up with my legs between him, “Then I’m yours… however you want me.” I purred my words onto him. I grab the back of his neck, as my fingers slowly go through his hair, I can feel him shudder at my touch.

“You’re really pushing my buttons Taekwoon”

His lips are suddenly kissing down my neck, and I tilt my head, so he can have better access. I’m rubbing myself against him, as I slip his member between my cheeks. He’s up and hard as easy as that.

My entrance is twitching, I can’t wait any longer than this.

His fingers slip into me, and I try to ease my tight muscle down there, so he won’t have to push harder. He’s adding fingers till it is up to 3 in me, all massaging my inside till I’m all soft, hot and all slippery from his cum and mine too for all I know. The feel of his fingers stretching me, made me feel hot at how he’s literally opening me, but this is not enough for me.

“E-Enough, I want this, now…” I grab hold of his dick, facing the tip onto my puckered hole.

I sit down slowly as his member went in, and push it deeper in me, “Ahhh fuck…”

Fuck, it’s been a while, I feel like I’m stuffed. I stopped midway, knowing that any deeper than this, and he would hit that spot, and then I won’t last long. Even my legs are starting to lose their strength and I haven’t even moved yet. Maybe it’s the look on his face, eating me with his eyes, that’s gonna be a new turn on for me.

He held onto my back and laid me down, kissing my temple gently.

“Tell me if I’m doing it too hard okay?”

Hah! Confident, isn’t he? We’ll see who will be telling whom about doing it too hard.

 

 

+++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN :
> 
> THIS CHAPTER AND THE NEXT ONE WOULD NOT BE THIS AWESOME IF IT’S NOT FOR MY BETA: 
> 
> RandomAlienFromMars
> 
> GURL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME!!!! OH GoOoOOooooD I couldn’t edit the sex scene because I was getting embarrassed but GURL you’re my Godsend finally I could end this book :”
> 
> I sweaAaAAAaaaAr I would NEVER write a sex scene again, yall that was hard… I don’t know what came over me, like a few weeks ago I was half way writing a full book of porn, and now I can’t even look at this one without feeling cringy… So I just… edit it through without like… rereading it that much… I wonder if it has something to do with me having bpd…. Hmmm…
> 
> WELL ANYWAY, the next chapter will be the end~~ I split it up into two chapters because I don’t know. LOL


	21. Day 12 | Dawn | End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon woke up in the morning after yesterday, and Chanyeol confessed

A smoke after a good sex is the best. Seeing the view of the sky slowly tinted orange and feeling the cold air on my skin as morning arrives. Having sex all night long, then snuggling in his warm clothes, isn’t this a good life? I don’t know about that, but I know one thing I’m feeling right now.

 

Content.

 

To think that Chanyeol would be very dominant but wouldn't mind being dominated. We changed positions and roles a few times, he hadn't minded anything I suggested. It was pleasantly surprising how open he was despite looking like a smug confident dominant straight male. Yet he’s actually a real softie… and kinky too.

When he’s entering me, and when I’m the one that enters him, we both feel so good. Is this what they call being compatible? I am truly blessed then, being compatible with someone I love. Was that even sex? It feels a little bit more than just pure lust. What was the term again… making love?

 

Love huh…

 

A wave of smoke is rooted deep inside my lungs, then it goes to the sky. Being in love is both painful yet rewarding, making all the pain feel worth it. The past that left a scar on me, didn’t feel as painful anymore whenever I recall it.

I’m here now, I’m with Chanyeol.

The door behind me slides open, a pair of arms wrap my shoulder with a blanket. He leans his head on my shoulder, his fluffy hair touching my face and neck like a soft brush. I put away my cig and turn around to hug him back.

I could feel his chest moving up and down, pressing against mine as my skin felt the pulse of his body. I feel safe like this, when this body holds mine, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if I have that power over Chanyeol, more like, how can I have that effect on anyone at all?

“I wonder Chanyeol…” Chanyeol hums at my words, hugging me tight still, as his face rests on the crook of my neck, “Do you feel safe when you’re with me?”

He raised his head and our eyes meet on the same level, and he slightly smiles “Yes.”

“Why? How? What part of me?”

“You know… at first I was attracted to you because you’re pretty, when you came out of my shower, wearing my shorts, I was this close to touching your legs.” Chanyeol giggles, while he showed me how close, as he pressed his thumb and index fingers together. I rolled my eyes.

“I fell in love with you when we were in the aquarium, but then I…”

His hands clenched into fists at my back, he looks away with a shade of pink on his face.

“When we got back from the club, I was sulking because I… I was jealous.” He ducked his head even more, with voice growing weak for admitting his jealousy. So that’s what it was…

“I thought you’ll hate me for sure, after I burst out like that... but you didn’t, you asked me how I feel and it… it felt like a breath of fresh air, and for once I was not afraid to be truthful to myself, so I decided then, I won’t let you go.” He continued.

My face is smiling without my consent, I feel like I’m mirroring his blush. I reach out to his face, I want to kiss him to death, but his face hides back to the crook of my neck and his tight hug won’t budge.

“So, don’t you dare go away from me again!” Chanyeol sulked, whining like a little boy.

I chuckled at his behavior, and patted his head and back, holding him dear.

Chanyeol, this way, I don’t think I can go away from you ever again. Knowing I’m needed by someone, needed by you, I would gladly stay. Now, you have me, you truly have everything now, and with you in my arms, I felt like I have everything I have ever needed too.

Feeling wonderfully content, with him in my arms, there’s happiness in me that I just can’t describe.

 

Maybe it’s because I’ve finally found my home.

 

 

End.

 

 

++++++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN : (warning, long ass notes ahead)
> 
> A~~~nd that’s the end! Don’t worry the true ending (from the bonus chapters) is still coming and a few is already done! I’m so glad for all the support I get for this tiny work of mine.  And I can’t thank RandomAlienFromMars enough for helping my dank wobbly gammr, :”D
> 
> I used to be ashamed of my writings and some people have bullied me because on my past writings (I was 13-ish), it kinda made me caved in for a few years lol. It made me afraid to show my work, feeling ashamed and not good enough, and after a while, I kinda pushed myself to start posting, and I’ve been happier ever since… Sometimes I wished I did this sooner… so yall, don’t be like me is what I’m saying!
> 
> If you have an artwork, post it on the internet, you can block all the haters it’s as easy as that, but do separate and know which are hate and which are critics. Other than that, actually there’s nothing wrong with pouring your creativity out there… bad or good, expert or amateur, I wished I knew that sooner, I wished someone would’ve told me that.
> 
>  
> 
> Lol sorry for the sob story, but… if someone like me out there, having the same doubts, scrolling and admiring people’s work, I just wanna say, if you want, you can do that too, and nothing can stop you.
> 
>  
> 
> The extra stories is still coming~~ but it’s gonna take a while, I gotta some work to do… some life tending, still haven’t put out that fire…
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks everyone! Love yall~~!


	22. Bonus Chapter 1

+++

 

Tonight is Chanyeol’s band night. This must be the third time I’m attending it, and the lively mood of these concerts is starting to grow on me. But the only thing I see forward to, was his band night, and the way his face lights up in excitement when he beats those drums. He always glances towards me, giving me a playful smirk, that’s something to look forward too.

 

Chanyeol is already backstage prepping, while I waited on the same spot, at the back of the room near the ventilation where I can smoke.

 

“Hey, light me up?” I don’t need to see who’s beside me to know who he is. I gave him my lighter, and he puffed, “Thanks”

 

Sehun used to smoke before his stages, and since they knew Chanyeol always brought me to his performances, Sehun has been hanging out with me here. He didn’t make a move on me at all, probably because Chanyeol already told them that we’re dating. I expect them to be weirded out, since the last time I was introduced to them, it was as his brother, but no, they’ve been chill.

 

“So, how’s life?” Sehun started,

 

“A bliss.” I confessed, and it’s the truth, I can’t be happier than this.

 

All I did was clean the house, make him breakfast, make him lunch boxes, prepare dinner, and all those sorts of stuff. Sometimes I’ll go sightseeing on my own, the town has some wonderful sites and incredibly peaceful. At night, we have sex, or maybe cuddle to sleep, and the day repeats. It’s been a heavenly 2 weeks, but I’m starting to get bored at home whenever I finished doing all the chores.

 

Though just waiting dreamily for him isn’t so bad. He came home irregularly, sometimes he came home at midnight, sometimes he came home early and brings home more papers to his collection at the corner of the bedroom. I never really cared, nor am I lonely, he came back every day, that’s enough.

 

“I feel like a prized housewife” I joked, and Sehun laughed along.

 

“Hey, if you have nothing to do, a friend of mine might need some help.” Sehun said as smoke escaped from his lips.

 

Though he might be a friend of Chanyeol, I can’t trust him completely, since he tried to buy me once. In my experience, no one that buys me in not trustworthy. In the end, he’s still Chanyeol’s friend, and pretty close in fact, since he told me they got the band together since high school. It’s better than nothing.

 

“Sure, help in what?”

 

Sehun smirked, “It’s a secret” and winked, now I’m doubting my choices.

 

“Trust me okay? I’m not gonna do anything to Chanyeol’s boyfriend. Besides, it’s nothing too hard, the pay is good too.” hmm, now that’s intriguing. Though I don’t get why does it have to be a secret.

 

“Well I’m going back, I’m going to text you the details tonight, oh, and I suggest you didn’t wear any earrings” I nod my head slightly, and he disappeared to the crowd.

 

Things sure do falls into its place. Whatever this job is, I just wish it’s a decent one. I’ve had a few ‘decent’ jobs in my life, though it’s for very little pay. My heart’s starting to thump really loud, it can’t be because I’m smoking too much. Ah, maybe I’m excited? I can’t wait.

 

I can feel that my day is getting more normal every day, and I’m really loving it. Though not knowing what my job is making me anxious, no matter what it is, if it turns south, get ready to bolt Taekwoon.

 

 

++++++++

 

 

The place is crowded with cries. Everyone is crying, running, and on the floor rolling. Sehun didn’t do anything but cringe as the staff inside is panicking, which is only consist of 3 people inside this building with about 20 crying toddlers. To think such a friendly and quiet looking daycare from the outside consist such chaos inside.

 

Now I know why he keeps it a secret, he doesn’t want me to chicken out huh? It’s not like this is that bad. And I get why I can’t wear any earrings, these kids will rip me apart…

 

A man with strawberry blond hair met our eyes, and run towards us. Oh, he’s shorter than I thought, just like Kyungsoo, this one looks cute too. What is it with Chanyeol’s friends that seems to be either really cute, and looking like a smug alpha male.

 

“Hey there! I’m Min Seok!” he grabbed my hand and shook it before I could offer him.

 

“So, this is Chanyeol’s boyfriend?” he looked over to Sehun that only nods. Wow, did Chanyeol literally tells everyone?

 

I gave Sehun a questioning look, only to find the man stripped off his smugness and act like a shy teenager.

 

What is going on there? Oh, maybe… ah, that’s not my issue, I’m here to present myself as well as I can so I can land this job.

 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Taekwoon, is there any requirements that I need to--”

 

“YOU’RE HIRED.” then he turned around to tend other children, particularly the one crying on the floor next to a puddle of… something.

 

I am utterly confused, and just walked into that chaos room, completely clueless. Sehun didn’t say anything and just peek from the door frame. Three of the staff is so busy and their face looks like they’re about to cry along with the kids they’re holding.

 

“Taekwoon! Can you please take care of Lo Hee? She’s the one crying beside the book racks” Min Seok yelled, oh ok, right on the job, ok… I look where he pointed and I spot her immediately.

 

She’s using a yellow overall with a pink shirt underneath. Her thin hair tied up into a fountain that reminded me of Chanyeol. Her round cheeks squished with the book she currently laid on. Crying so hard that her face looked faintly red.

 

I kneel beside her, “Hello Lo Hee. Aww, pretty girls shouldn’t cry, don’t you think?” I wiped her tears from his mochi cheeks. What a cute kid. She still crying but I manage to get her to sit down. There is a mark on her cheek, seems like it was from pressing her face at the edge of the book, I hope that didn’t hurt.

 

“Does this hurt?” I poked her cheeks slightly. She nods and cried even harder I think my ears just bleed. It always amazes me how much noise these little humans can produce.

 

“Ommo ommo, I’m sorry, let me kiss it so the pain will go away” I bend down and leave a peck on her cheeks and blow a little air, it feels like kissing a bouncy cloud. She didn’t cry anymore, but only sobs.

 

“Feel better?” and she nodded, while wiping her tears. She’s painfully so adorable, I just want to kidnap her.

 

I grab the book she was laying on, it’s a kid’s storybook “What’s this? Do you want to read this together?” she nodded again, and take a seat beside me.

 

I began to read it to her in the most expressive ways I can, my expressions come naturally when I’m with her, I don’t understand it either. Kids just have a freeway ticket to my heart with their cuteness. When she began to smile, I feel like it was the biggest accomplishment I have.

 

Then a boy with stains on his shirt, started to point on my direction while he cried, he had a book too in his hand, “Come, sit here, let’s finish this first then read it okay?” I patted the space beside me, but no, he wanted to sit on my lap. I think I know what stain it is from the smell, it’s apple juice, with some puke probably.

 

I continue my story. At first the boy on my lap throwing a tantrum because I’m not reading the book he brought me. Tantrum as in throwing punches all over my body, and that boy packs a punch because it hurts as hell.

 

I asked Lo Hee if I can read the book he brought, and try to persuade her, and problem solved, everyone is happy. Then came another child, he’s not crying, he just came and suddenly laid his head on my thigh. His soft cheeks squishing there as he drooled on me, isn’t that cute? Kids are so soft, I feel like I’m on clouds with them around me.

 

As I reached the end of the book, the one on my thigh is already fast asleep, Lo Hee is leaning on my arms as her eyes started to close and open. I don’t know about the boy on my lap, he’s leaning his back calmly. I wanted to lean forward and see his face, but I think I’ll disturb the others.

 

I ended the book, none of them seem to complain about it, including the one on my lap. Lo Hee is falling asleep but not completely closing her eyes. Should I read another book? Maybe I can do something I usually do to Haeun noona’s baby, sing a lullaby.

 

I wish that my throat hasn’t been that damaged yet, I’ll sing as softly as I can, “An old cement street I haven’t walked in a while~ There used to be a cute preschool here~ The store where I bought snacks turned into a cosmetic shop~ Where was that dangerous and thrilling shortcut again?~ A familiar school I haven’t forgotten~ The small jungle gym that used to be hard for me to climb~” I sung, (Song: Ji Hoon Shin _ Jungle Gym)

 

While patting Lo Hee slowly, I hummed the rest, and she gradually falls asleep, and because no one around me moved, I assume the three of them are in deep sleep.

 

Now, I can’t move.

 

It seems that the situation is under control, none of the other children are crying, some asleep, some sitting with toys on their mouth, and the others are in the hands of their caretakers. Min Seok meets my eyes and tiptoed his way to me with a wide smile.

 

He gets the one on my lap first to place them on the spread mattress along with all the sleeping children there. Then he took the one drooling on my pants, now I can get Lo Hee and placed her there too.

 

“Taekwoon, you’ve dealt with kids before?” Min Seok asked me as I laid Lo Hee on the mattress, along with everyone else.

 

“Only one, and I didn’t meet him that much, he’s only a few months old”

 

“Hmm, but you’re already a natural around them, could you please put Sungjae to sleep too? He’s that one” Min Seok pointed over my shoulder, and there I spot a kid with only his diapers on, and playing with puzzle pieces.

 

“That one won't sleep without milk, it’s already there on that counter, please check the heat, oh, and while you at it can you please put clothes on him, the clothes are in that drawer, he’s a size M, Thaaaanks” he rambled, and he took off again.

 

Well, I better get going then.

 

After putting everyone to sleep, I helped out to tidy the room and washing the bottles. The other caretakers passed out on the mattress along with the kids. I didn’t feel time passing at all, I wonder if it’s like this too with Chanyeol. This is very different than just waiting for him to come back.

 

When all the caretakers’ naps, Min Seok and I is the only one awake, and Min Seok waved at me to come with him.

 

We sat on the terrace outside, facing the tidy tiny field, caged within a colorful wooden fence. The shadow from the gigantic tree lands on us. A few pots of flowers and small trees, and flower beds on the side of the building, this place seems lively and homely.

 

Min Seok gave me a carton of banana milk, which a gratefully accepts and thank.

 

“You really helped us out, thanks a lot” I smiled at him, I think I should ask him about—

 

“Okay, so your salary is 7k won per hour, you can start tomorrow at 7 am when their parents started to drop their kids, I can tolerate if you’re late until 8 am, after that I’m cutting your salary. The hours are officially done at 6 pm but we can never know when parents could really take their kids, so we’re gonna take turns on who’s staying late. Saturdays and Sundays of course is a holiday, along with national holidays when parents have them too. The uniform will be prepared by me, and only allowed to be worn here. How’s that sound?”

 

I… I think I get all of that. Yeah, I get all of that. Seven thousand won seems pretty minimal, so the ‘pay is pretty good’ is a lie too huh Sehun… but I guess it’s better than nothing, I love the kids already as well. Also, it’s not that I’m tight on money, since Chanyeol is kinda like a sugar daddy to me. I’m just looking for something to do.

 

“Ok”

 

“Great! Nice to have you on the team!” and we shook hands, “I’ll introduce you to everyone, once they wake up, hahaha” oh yeah, I never really met them, since it was so hectic.

 

“Now that we got the business part settled, let’s talk about you!” He said with excitement radiating from his face as he’s sucking his own banana milk.

 

“You’re Chanyeol’s stepbrother, right?” it’s either words travel or Chanyeol really literally tells everyone he knows, now I don’t know how to deal with this… what do I tell everyone that—

 

“Hey, I’m not judging, but I’m just really curious, and you’re his first boyfriend ever! So, I’m kinda shook”

 

I snap my head at him, “I’m the first??” my voice raised before I could hold them back, I was caught by surprise. I thought he would be at least bi-curious since he seems like he’s all experienced in that.

 

“Eh, he didn’t tell you? He dated a few girls, and he ‘claimed’ he tried a guy, but they’re not dating.” oh, so that’s how it is. He didn’t need to tell me anything about his past relationship, since he’s mine now anyway, but whoever that guy was, I gotta thank him.

 

“But really, I never would’ve thought that he got to date anyone! He can be so lame sometimes, and so full of himself, ugh, sometimes he could be cheesy too, I just wanna—” Min Seok kept roasting him as he casually drinks banana milk.

 

“Well, all that cockiness is kinda funny, and I’m getting used to his cheesy lines.” I smiled at the half-drunk banana milk in my hand, thinking of Chanyeol, and instantly laughed, smiling and challenging the muscles of my cheeks.

 

“He makes me happy, I love him a lot” I gasped as the words slipped. Min Seok had an enormous smile along with his red-tinted face.

 

“BOTH of you are equally cringy!” He closed his ears, and shook his head. I laughed as he pressed his face together, he looked like a squished marshmallow.

 

“Hey there!” a voice of a cheerful woman now sitting beside me. Her long black hair tied into a messy ponytail. She probably just woke up judging from her tired face.

 

“I’m Sejeong, nice to have you with us, you’re working with us, right? Please tell me you’re working with us…” her cheerful face then turned into a tired pout, which is cute like the other kids around.

 

“Yes, I am, I’m Taekwoon” and we shook hands, “Ahh, I’m so glad that we can finally have a tall guy to reach for things.” she patted my shoulder.

 

“Hey! I’m tall!” Min Seok exclaimed, and Sejong only chuckles, “Hyung stop hoping, it’s kinda sad” and the both of them started to bicker while I’m in the middle.

 

They are a bit overwhelming, but with time, it’s really interesting watching them. Both of them seems to have a petty talk over the same thing, and I’m amazed how they can keep it up.

 

When they both finally done with Min Seok winning, Sejeong has her attention to me, “Taekwoon hyung, are you Min Seok hyung’s high school friend too?” Did everyone know everyone around Chanyeol’s circle?

 

I was about to answer her before Min Seok cuts me, “Oh no, he’s Chanyeol’s boyfriend, you remember Chanyeol? That tall guy?” now I know how everyone knows everyone, they all have loose mouths, I really can’t stop them, nor do I need to stop them.

 

“Ahhhh, that Chanyeol hyung I remember! The one that changes the lamp the other day, right?” and Sejeong just took it like it’s nothing. Maybe the world is more forgiving than I thought? Looking where I am right now, it must be true.

 

“Taekwoon? Are you okay? You spaced out.” Min Seok asked as he cocked his head to the side.

 

Maybe I should ask them, “I was just wondering how you all so chill about it, and me being a stepbrother and all.” Min Seok knew what I meant, and he shares a look with Sejeong, and they just scoffed.

 

“Well it’s not like you’re related by blood, even if you do, we really don’t care who you bang, and we’re really understanding people here, we have kids that’s from a same-sex couple too, but don’t tell anyone, people might not as accepting as in our circle.” Min Seok hushed and winked.

 

Ah, they’re those types of people, that’s why Chanyeol can just yap his mouth whatever he wanted.

 

“The only downside to your relationship is that Chanyeol is being 10000 times more annoying, he kept spamming us on our chat groups about how cute you are and shoving us his candid pictures of you and bragging how cuuuuute you are together and—”

 

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

I felt my face burning, damn that Chanyeol! I have to snoop into his phone today… what kinds of pictures has he been taking of me?!

 

“And Sejeong has a girlfriend.” Min Seok makes a quick distraction.

 

“AND SHE’S SO PRETTY AND CUTE” Sejeong yelled with stars in her eyes. People yelling doesn’t bother me anymore, I’m used to it with Chanyeol.

 

“Her name is Nayoung! She’s such a shy cutie pie, you should meet her! I’ll bring her!”

 

“Oh if Nayoung’s coming can she make those killer octopus gimbap again?”

 

Again?

 

“Only if you’re paying for the ingredients hyung!! Octopuses are expensive these days!” and they laugh along like good friends.

 

They tried their best to include me, and I reply as shortly and as needed. Being friendly and cheerful like them is something out of my nature, yet just seeing them bicker and talk, being able to laugh along, I already feel like I’m included.

 

Later on, I worked with them until the end of the day. I met the other guy as he woke up, his name is Jaehwan, and he’s another loud personality in my life now. He’s playful and very loud, he’s not any different from the kids at all except his physique.

 

I texted Chanyeol that I’ll be late today since Min Seok said he wanted to brief me on something later.

 

Everything was done at 7 pm, there is 1 late parent, and Min Seok told me what to do, and what to lock when I’m the last one to go home. On my way home, I think about what to make for dinner. Chanyeol hasn’t replied me, maybe he’s busy. I wonder when he’ll be home today, if he’s late I hope he already had dinner.

 

Chanyeol is really unhealthy, he always has dinner at home even though he came home really late. Even my stomach feels really painful when I skipped meals, he must’ve held it too.

 

Hmm, what should I make today? Since it’s a bit cold, maybe some stew? Army stew? Yeah let’s go with that, we already have some of the ingredients, it’ll be easy to make if he wanted to have dinner. I’ll stop by the market to stock up some things.

 

When I got home with groceries, Chanyeol is not there yet, and he hasn’t reply my text. This usually means he will come home late. I should make it now, so I can warm it up when he wants dinner.

 

Chanyeol likes it’s a bit salty and spicy, so I’m adding more pepper paste than usual. It was a 30-minute dish, and it looked appetizing while it’s still warm. My stomach growled at the sight of it, but I should wait a bit to eat with him.

 

Yeah, I’ll wait.

 

I ate a spoon of stew and wait while I smoke on the balcony with a beer. The night is pretty chilly, he wore a scarf today, right? He better wears that scarf when he gets home.

 

Two beers and three cigs later, it’s already 11 pm, and my stomach starting to hurt. I think I’ll warm the stew up and eat ahead. I’m texting Chanyeol that the stew is already done for him to warm up, and I’m sleeping early because I have to arrive at the daycare.

 

I ate a bowl, and sleep, I know I’ll get bloated but I’m really tired. I check my phone before I sleep, nothing from Chanyeol. This is a bit weird, Chanyeol always has time to text if it’s within this hour. I should text his dad, I’m really getting worried.

 

I text him in the politest way as I can.

 

‘Mr. Donggun, excuse me for giving you a message in this hour, but Chanyeol hasn’t contacted me for approximately 12 hours. If it’s fine, I would like to know if Chanyeol has no trouble at work’

 

Send.

 

I waited for 10 minutes, and no reply. I’m thinking of just going to sleep, but I can’t. I know he usually comes home later than this, but he always texts me first. I laid in bed restlessly, thinking the worst thing that could happen. Chanyeol will come home, he will come home.

 

My phone vibrates, Chanyeol?

 

No, it’s his dad.

 

‘Taekwoon, you don’t have to be that stiff with me, and how many times have I told you to just call me dad? Chanyeol is fine, the case is really hitting him hard, he will come home. When he’s home I’ll count on you.’

 

Calling him dad? I never have a dad before, I don’t think I can, isn’t that weird? Bah, that doesn’t matter now.

 

Was Chanyeol having a hard time? Why can’t he tell more, and be so vague about it?? But now, I really should wait for him to come back. I tried to read to wait for him. Browsing about child care, reading a book that Kyungsoo suggested to me, but my mind can’t focus.

 

It’s 1 AM when I finally hear the door unlocked. I rushed to the door, and found Chanyeol with a slumped shoulder and his hair down. His eyes cast down and tie undone. He looks up to my eyes, looking like the world is ending. I reach out and hug him, a few seconds after that he hugged me back. We stayed for a couple of seconds, until he could finally feel at ease.

 

I kiss his forehead, “Eat, I made dinner”, and he shook his head, “I don’t want to”.

 

I pressed my lips, it breaks my heart seeing him like this, this is not his usual self, but he can’t not eat.

 

“Please eat, I know you haven’t had dinner, eat so tomorrow you have the energy to go back to work, okay?” He finally nods, and he took off his suit and wait as I reheat the stew. He eats rather deliciously even though he looked so gloomy earlier.

 

I sat across from him as he finished the whole bowl in record time and left a satisfied sigh “That hits the spot”.

 

He must’ve been hungry, and he said that I didn’t want dinner.

 

 “Want seconds?” and he smiled, I took his bowl and gave him another full bowl.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t reply your text”

 

“It’s okay” I put the bowl in front of him and he started to dig in, “I’m just worried if something happens to you, so I texted your dad, he said the case is hard on you?” he sighed heavily, and I saw his face, it’s the sad expression when things didn’t go his way in a very serious way. Oh, so it’s like that…

 

I held his free hand, “It’s okay Chanyeol, things will turn out okay, even though it’s not, you already tried your hardest, and all that we can do in the end is wish for the better” I tried to repeat his own words. He closed his eyes and sighed one more time.

 

“I know…” he held onto my hand tighter, “I hope so, I hope things will turn out okay, but sometimes things look so bad you can’t think it any other way”, oh no, his face looked like he will cry, I know he won’t, but it’s really unsettling.

 

“It will, trust me! Look at us! In the end, we’re happy, right? It’s going to be okay, eat more!” I sounded like him just now, but let’s just not bother about that.

 

I took the spoon from his hand and fed him. He took it and hummed, “Hmm delicious” he said while he still looked gloomy. I ended up feeding him till it’s all finished.

 

Chanyeol had trouble sleeping when he’s finally in bed, so he’s cuddled up in my chest until he can. I wrapped the little baby in my arms, rubbing his back as my face leaned on his freshly washed hair.

 

“What do you want for lunch tomorrow?” I asked, and he took a few seconds thinking, “Can you make me some gimbap for two?”

 

“Two?”

 

“There’s this kid in the case I’m handling” ah, it’s kids related, no wonder.

 

“Okay”

 

I rubbed his back, and he relaxed in my arms as he snuggled against my chest.

 

“Thanks for waiting for me”

 

I hum, “Anytime” and kissed the top of his fluffy black cloud head.

 

“How was your day today at Xiumin’s Daycare?”

 

I scoffed, “Did you tell everyone you’re dating me? Why does it feel like everyone in the world knows that I’m yours?”

 

He chuckled slightly, “I wish I can tell everyone in the world that you’re mine” my heart thundered at those words.

 

That… was he aware that he just slipped that smooth move, and how did my heart just go haywire for that cheesy line. Or maybe like Min Seok said, I’ve become as cringy as him…

 

“I-I’m starting to work tomorrow, and leave at 6, you’ll wake up without me” and he groaned at that, “How dare Min Seok making you leave me that early! He’s jealous that I get to have a boyfriend before he could snatch Sehun!”

 

I knew there’s something between the two of them, it was none of my business, so I didn’t mean to ask. Welp, now I know why everyone knows everything, he just blurts it out.

 

“Sehun seems to like him back though” I commented.

 

“Yeah they liked each other since way back before I knew them, thing is Min Seok is a serious guy, he wanted to do things properly, with meeting parents and all, but I don’t know what’s up with Sehun, he’s not a committing kinda guy, even though he’s literally head over heels with Min Seok, like a few weeks ago he was flirting with you, how dare he! He’s always like that since I meet him, but then--”

 

I didn’t hear him clearly after that, I’m dozing off. I reply to him with a ‘yes’, ‘uh huh’, ‘go on’, and ‘and then’. I don’t know if this thing with Min Seok and Sehun is THAT complicated or he’s only making it seems that way.

 

He kept talking, until I finally slept, and the last word I hear was him cursing at Sehun.

 

 

+++++++++++

 

 

The phone tears the morning’s silence as the alarms rings. Chanyeol that snuggled on my back is squirming at the sound, so I turned it off as fast as I can. It’s 5 am, I get less sleep than I usually does, but that’s okay, I usually slept this much in the past anyway.

 

First thing first, make coffee. While it’s brewing, I’m making Chanyeol’s lunch, maybe I should make one for me too. Ah, since it’s for a kid, I should make it cute, right? Maybe I can make it star-shaped, or a panda pattern? I saw some tutorial on this on that Pinterest website, I think I pinned a few of them, might as well give it a go.

 

45 minutes later, I only realized then that I’ve overdone myself. There are a panda and a bunny shaped gimbap, a penguin rice ball, in a field of lettuce, and flower-shaped vegetables all over. I made one for myself as well, maybe the kids will be happy when I share this with them.

 

I checked the time and gasped, oh no, I’ll be late!

 

I take a very quick shower, and dressed comfortably, I wear my leather jacket since mornings are colder. I drank my coffee, and back to the bedroom to say goodbye to Chanyeol.

 

I sat beside his curled-up body, “Chanyeol, I packed 2 lunch boxes, I’m leaving.” his arms wrap around my waist and held on real tight, “Don’t GoOooOOOOoo” he groaned and nuzzle against my hips.

 

I chuckled at his cute whine, “Let me go Chanyeol, I’m late”. I’m detaching his hands away from me and he seems to comply, but with a puckered mouth.

 

“I’m not kissing your morning breath lips” so I kissed his forehead instead. He hummed, satisfied, and went back to sleep.

 

I rushed outside, as my heart starting to beat faster, and my face can’t stop smiling. I feel tingly all over, my heart is racing, and my chest felt like they’ll float, but it’s not fear. What’s this? Am I nervous? No, not really, this is my first time working a decent job, working with such cute kids as well. I’m excited, feeling like I’m about to burst with joy.

 

My mind brings back the memories from two weeks ago and comparing them to myself right now, how everything has turned for the better. I can’t believe I get to have this life. Before, I wouldn’t have been awake at this hour, I would stay in the cold, in the dark, alone, being held by bodies as cold as night.

 

Now… I’m up where the sunshine on my skin, lived in a place that provides me warmth, and I’m loved.

 

It felt like my life means something and like I’m not walking aimlessly anymore. This is a new me, into a new life. Though I know I’m not done, there’s going to be more ups and downs ahead, but now I have a fresh clean sheet to write about my story, a better protagonist to handle it all, and I’m not alone in this road, I have Chanyeol by my side, and he has me.

 

I feel invincible.

 

 

+++++

 

 

A/N: and that’s my the FIRST bonus chapter! I did not realize it’s that long, until I saw the word count (almost 5k words.) but that’s some flufffff. The next chapter will be a little bit angsty~~ and a trip down the memory lane.

 

Btw I was making some posters, for a contest, though it kinda meh, I’m proud of it I think lol if you wanna check it out check it here

https://i.imgur.com/SyuShBl.gifv

https://i.imgur.com/kMr8S9N.gifv

 

While you’re waiting for the next update, there are a few of my other works you may enjoy(?)

 

[Melody in The Wind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13559721/chapters/31116084) it’s a work for Vixx’s Secret Santa event, it’s not as dramatic as I want tho, it’s kinda meh.

[Turning Point Scenario](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13583157/chapters/31177167) TaekwoonxJulienKangXSeunghyun, cuz man do I love hoe-ing Taekwoon around, it’s a bit exaggeration cheesy dramatic, it’s meh too for my taste, but it got some sex scene tho.

[Bona Fide](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13572408) This is not a romance, and not boyxboy, it’s for a contest and the main chara is Kyungsoo and Sehun, it’s a mafia-mobster-gang-ish theme that I tried to make, it got a little bit mystery and complications, but yall I dunno if I succeed in making this new theme good :”D

 

Ok das all for now, thanks for readinggg.


	23. Bonus Chapter 2

 

 

Three weeks into this job, now I knew why the caretakers were on the verge of tears when I first came. This work is HARD. The kids are unpredictable, they are hazardous, to themselves and the ones around them. After lunch, they are a high potential puke cannon. Now I know why Minseok told me to keep a few uniforms clean in the locker, which is just a yellow polo shirt with the name of the childcare on the back.

 

I know that usually, kids are not like this, not this chaotic. Minseok told me later on that this daycare is for troublesome kids. Kids that didn’t fit in with other daycare because they fight, or just high maintenance. Because when you put them all together, what’s the worse that could happen? Haha, this is a disaster…

 

But, because of the tiring activities, this job occupies my mind, which somewhat good. Distract me from smoking a little bit, and when I don’t remember my past, I don’t smoke to ease any ‘pain’. Only whenever I fidget, or when my mouth feeling dry, or just habitual. It’s not like I wanted to smoke less, but now I have less reason to smoke.

 

“KYAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK” A shriek emerging louder than the rest, splitting my head open, that could only mean one thing.

 

I rushed to Mansae, “Mansae don’t do that, let’s play war another time okay?” I hugged him back, he was waving his plastic hammer to hit his brothers, Daehan and Minguk. They love playing war, sometimes not to each other, but other children too.

 

“NOOOOOOO!” Mansae shriek, “CHARGE!” and Mansae turn his body and landed the plastic hammer right to my face. It didn’t hurt as much, but then his brothers started to swing their plastic hammers on me too.

 

“O-okay I give up! Truce! King Mansae!” I waved my hand in the air, and they finally stopped.

 

“IT’S TIME FOR PUNISHMENTS!” Oh yeah, the punishments, Sejeong told me about this. My punishments will be… carrying them, all three. Their father gave us the triple carrier to hold them all.

 

They are 4 years old, and they are all chunky. My legs swaying back and forth when I stood up with them attached to me. Now, I have to make rounds, with them on my back and go wherever they told me, with my hair as their steering wheel.

 

That was, until I saw Lohee with her shoe on her mouth, “NO! Lohee how did you even get your shoe?” I rushed to her and of course, another shriek when I took the shoe from her, and another head splitting scream from the triplets because I stopped carrying them.

 

This is going to be a long day.

 

 

+++++++

 

 

Finally, it’s nap time. The kids are sleeping in the nap area, along with Jaehwan that slept beside one of the kids, dozing off when he’s tucking them in. Me too, I have Lohee in my arms and placed her right beside Sungjae.

 

Sungjae looked a little pale, is he okay? I tucked him under his blanket and brushed against his cheeks. It’s cold. I pressed my hand against his forehead, and it’s cold.

 

His skin is turning blue. I pressed my hand against his chest, no movement, no breathing. No… No, this isn’t happening.

 

“S-Sungjae?” His body laid there covered in trash, limp without a single movement. My vision blurred, the floor begun to move and sway.

 

I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe, my neck is shrinking down, choking my own throat… no… not again.

 

I can save him I can save him now. Quickly! I must be quicker this time! If I run I can make it!

 

When I reach out to him, someone holds me back and lift me off my feet.

 

“NO! Taekwoon hyung what are you doing” A female voice whispered angrily at me.

 

I tried to break free from whoever is carrying me, “You don’t understand! Sungjae… he’s not breathing, he’s blue, we need to get him to the hospital.” I tried to speak between my hardened breath, and finally, I was dropped on the floor, where my legs failed and make me land on my knees and palm.

 

I looked up to the person that dropped me, Sejeong? “Sungjae is fine! he had a fever, but he’s alive.”

 

No, he isn’t! I look back to Sungjae to prove to them that… he’s breathing… his face is red from the fever. I… I… I swear that he looked blue, almost dead… like… like Haeun noona’s child.

 

I pressed my shaky hand against my face, it’s me now that’s cold. My heart is rapidly beating out of my chest, humming in my ear. What was that? What did I just saw? I really thought there’s going to be another life escaped from my arms.

 

“Taekwoon, you’re okay? Your face is pale” Minseok tiptoed over to me, I can’t even look at him now, I almost woke one of the kids.

 

“I’m sorry.” I lowered my head,

 

“It’s okay Taekwoon, why don’t you take a break?” Minseok patted my shoulder and I nod.

 

 

++++++

 

 

The air is getting colder now, December is approaching. I wore my jacket out this time, bringing my lighter and cigarettes along. Sitting on the brick pavement behind the building, quietly smoking, I feel like I’m hiding.

 

I puckered my lips, and blowing the smoke up. Feeling my hands and my heart calmed. I’m a caretaker, I work with kids now, and I know I can’t smoke as much because the kids will be affected by the residue. I tried to smoke before I take a shower, not smoke at all when I’m working, and smoke right away on the way home. That’s almost 12 hours straight without nicotine a day. I don’t know how I did it for weeks now…

 

“O-Oh… Taekwoon hyung” the voice made me jerked, but then sighed, I’m caught now…

 

I raised my eyes to see Sejeong, also wearing her jacket, her hair is let loose from her usual tied up bun, her hands clutching her lunch box while the other… holding a cigarette between her fingers.

 

She sat beside me, not saying anything and just… sit there with her lunch box on her lap, while his fingers played with the cigarette in her hand. I don’t know what to say either. I never would’ve thought that Sejeong is a smoker.

 

“Can I get a light?” She decides to break the silence, and offer her usual gummy smile.

 

I gave her my lighter, and she lights hers, puffing the smoke a little. There she goes, she really is a smoker, she’s not a show-off or anything, she’s taking it well. Wow.

 

“I never thought you’re a smoker Taekwoon hyung, you didn’t smell like it”

 

“Never thought you were either” I shrugged. I tried to hide the fact that I smoke, including wearing lip tints to cover my darkened lips.

 

“For how long?” She asked again.

 

“It’s been more than 10 years”

 

“Woah.” she casually awed, and blow the smoke up, not letting it touch her, the same technique I use so the smoke would smell less, hopefully.

 

“How about you?” I asked her back.

 

“Three, but I’m not a heavy smoker, not that addicted just yet!” She chuckled, putting off her half-smoked bud, and open her lunch box, which reminds me, that I already have mine beside me untouched all this time.

 

“I tried to quit, but I can’t for the life of me.” I sucked the end of the paper bud, letting my lungs feel the warmth for a moment, and blow it to the air.

 

“After 10 years, now you wanted to quit, was it because of Chanyeol hyung~~?” She sang, putting a teasing face while she takes a spoon of her fried rice.

 

I lightly chuckled at her, “Partially, it was because of Chanyeol, another part well… because of this job” Sejeong nod understandingly, and eat her lunch.

 

I put out my cig and open my box of gimbap, and rice bowl, the same thing I made for Chanyeol today. I can see Sejeong nibbling on her spoon from the corner of my eyes, she got something on her mind.

 

“Taekwoon hyung? What was that earlier?” Sejong spoke up.

 

It’s not like I made it a secret, still, I’m not comfortable with telling people who I was. When questions about my past are asked, I can’t help but flinch, but this is Sejeong, and these people have grown close to me.

 

“My old apartment neighbor got a baby, I’m pretty close to the mom. Later on, I found the baby in the trash can, cold and barely alive, tried to save him but I was too late, I guess it left a scar deeper than I thought.” I sighed, wondering if I need to tell Chanyeol about this, he’s already bothering me about the first one.

 

I stuff my mouth with kimbap, and offer her some, only to found her with streams of tears on both of her cheeks, dropping tears to her lunch box.

 

“Sejeong your face!” I took a couple of tissues from inside the lunch bag and wipe her face, she even got her snot oozing on her nose.

 

“T-T-T-That’s so cruel… That’s so cruel…” She sobbed, leaking more tears. I pressed my lips and sighed. It’s cruel, and remembering it again sent chills down my spine, but it’s done, crying over it won’t change anything.

 

“I know, good thing you stopped me there, were you the one that lifts me?” I handed her the tissue, and she blows her nose.

 

“Yeah, you’re really light Taekwoon hyung, even my girlfriend packed more meat than you.” She gasped, “BUT DON’T TELL HER THAT”

 

I nervously laughed, “Ahaha, I won’t”

 

“Minseok and Jaehwan hyung would like to know what’s up too, will you tell them?”

 

I pressed my lips, I kinda have to, huh? “Yes, I will, and knowing Minseok, I think someone else will know.”

 

 

++++++

 

 

I was right.

 

Just as I stepped outside, there he is, standing by the fence, I bet still in his suit under that black coat. His hair is partially down, barely swept to the side, flashing his carefree smile, whipping his arms back and forth to wave at me.

 

I sighed, and look back to the building, Minseok was there, with hands pressed together and mouthed ‘sorry’. Of course he would tell Chanyeol, now I have to ‘talk’ to him.

 

Honestly, I am still not used to it. Suddenly, people care, they know what I do, and ask how I am. I’m not good at explaining what I’m feeling. No one asked before, I don’t know what to tell them. Do I lie to make things feel good? Or just blunt sad truth?

 

I drag my feet, walking my way to Chanyeol that opened his arms to me, “No, wait till we get back.” I immediately rejected.

 

He gasps comically “YOU DON’T LOVE ME.” he clutched his chest like he’s in some drama.

 

“Like you ever loved me too!” I deepened my voice, looking away in hurt. I nudge his shoulder with mine, and he smiled at me. God, now I’m beginning to be as dramatic as him too.

 

We walked to the nearest train station, he’s here after work, that means he’s going back and forth now, his workplace is closer to home than mine. I know he heard about me from Minseok, and I know he’s about to suggest it again. Now, I don’t have the reason to reject it. Maybe if I didn’t say anything…

 

“I heard from Minseok…” Here we go, “Is it about Haeun’s son?” He continued, and I just nod, knowing what he’ll mention next.

 

“What if it happens again Taekwoon? Don’t you want peace?”

 

“I have one now, just like before, I’ll get used to it and be normal, it just takes time.”

 

Chanyeol pressed his lips, he didn’t agree with me, “I still can’t say goodbye to you, and we can’t pretend last week didn’t happen”

 

I closed my eyes, trying to be calm. Yes, he’s right, I thought I’ll be fine, but it turns out I’m not, I just need more time. The first day was worse than that…

 

 

*first day Taekwoon staying with Chanyeol*

 

“Okay, you know where everything is, there’s money on the kitchen counter. This town has some cool places to visit, I suggest the park, there are cool performers there sometimes! And it’s close.” Chanyeol gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then pull me again to give me a peck on my lips.

 

“I’ll be back soon!” He turned around and wave, reaching for the doorknob.

 

The moment he disappeared behind the door, my breath caught to stop, my heart plummeting down to my stomach. His back lost to the light, and the room around me went dark. Alone, and cold, the feeling that dawned on me even more. It’s just me, he lied, didn’t he? How many days has it been? How much more do I have to wait? He left me behind, I was left behind again. Everyone left me.

 

I fell to my knee, crying pathetically. My lungs are closing up on me, they’re failing as I tried to wheeze to breathe. How dare he… How dare he! Cigarettes… I need to smoke so the pain would be less.

 

“Taekwoon?” I look up and see Chanyeol’s head peeking from the door, the room didn’t seem so dark anymore. I looked at myself, almost lighting my cigarette indoors. What am I doing?

 

My hands shook, and I put out my already lit lighter, “Shit”, what just happened to me?

 

Chanyeol kneels beside me, wrapping my shoulder with his arms, “Breathe Taekwoon, listen to my voice, take a deep breath…” my head resting at his shoulder, and take in a shaky breath.

 

“…Exhale…” and blow out the rest of my breath at his cue, he rubs my back, slowly, “Good job, now again, inhale…” we went through this for a couple of times, until my heart started to beat normally.

 

“Taekwoon, do you want me to stay with you for today?”

 

“No…” I won’t hold him back, I won’t be like this, “It’s okay, just go…”

 

“But Taekwoon, you’re not well yet.” I’m not well? So, I got an illness now? This isn’t an illness, I’m just being difficult, and I refuse to be like that.

 

“I’m okay Chanyeol…”

 

“No you’re not!”

 

“I. Am. Okay.” I pressed my voice, firmer this time.

 

Chanyeol didn’t seem to buy it, but he just frowned sadly because he doesn’t want to push me further on this. Now I feel guilty, I know he’s only worried about me, but I don’t want him to.

 

“I’m sorry…” I breathed, “You can go, just don’t say anything to me, don’t let me know you’re leaving, just go…”

 

Chanyeol looked at me, thinking of what to say, and gave up “Okay, but we’ll talk about this!”.

 

I sighed, relieved, and walk to his bedroom, closing the door behind me. I can barely hear his footsteps, or the door closing, no sound at all. I decided to take a shower, and when I got out of the bedroom, he’s gone, and I feel normal.

 

Since then, he never said goodbye whenever he goes out. The sound of the door closing grow louder each day and it gradually didn’t affect me. He kissed me before he left sometimes, still not saying anything, and even though it filled me with slight anxiety, I still pull through as long as I kept myself busy.

 

He told me to go to a therapist, but I refuse to do so. I’m not sick, I’m not ill in the head, I’m not crazy! And a therapist… just no, it’s such a handful! I’m a normal human being, I refuse to have any more defect, and I was getting better too. I thought it was nothing to worry about.

 

That was, until last week happened.

 

On the weekend when Chanyeol got called in. I was usually always alone, and never got a problem when I stayed alone, but I have accustomed to living with Chanyeol. I keep reminding myself, Chanyeol is at work, he’ll be home soon. He already told me he got work this weekend, repeating it over and over again. I decided to go out and distract myself.

 

Until, someone knocked the door, and it grows louder and louder and then knocks turned into hard banging.

 

“GET OUT OF THERE BITCH”

 

I feel like my legs gave up, my heart rate spiked up, and my survival instinct kicked in.

 

No, I don’t want this, I thought I was safe, not again… I curled up under the bed, closing my ears, desperately trying to block the angry voice and the loud banging. It was terrifying, I can almost felt the floor rumbles when his angry steps are looking for me. I bite my lips, muffling my cry so he won’t find me. I curled up and not even budging slightly. I don’t know how and when, but I fell asleep under the bed.

 

Chanyeol found me when he got back. He didn’t even know I was at home for a couple of hours, until he finally contacts me and hears my phone rings under the bed, founding me along with it.

 

*end of flashback*

 

 

It’s not that I’m giving him a silent treatment, I was drowned in my own thoughts, and he didn’t know what to say. Now we’re waiting for the train, the station is flooded with people.

 

The inside of the train too, the people are pushing each other inside, and Chanyeol manages to put us near the walls. The crowd move, and Chanyeol was pushed against me, making our face only a few centimeters apart.

 

The corner of his lips pulled up into a cocky smirk, “We should go home together more often.” he whispered, leaning even closer. As much as I’m enjoying this, there are people around, a shit ton of people, but maybe I can distract him.

 

My hands sneaked between our chest, feeling up his abdomen under that coat, “Hmm, maybe we should.” I whispered back.

 

He smirked, “We’re still having that talk Taekwoon”, I groaned, rolling my eyes to the back of my skull.

 

“Then you’re not getting any tonight.” I teased, and he silently gasped, “That’s not fair!”

 

 

++++++

 

 

“I don’t mind about not saying goodbye, but this means there’re going to be more trigggers, plus, it’s not that bad you know… seeing a therapist…” Chanyeol caught up with me and walked beside me. I thought he would wait until we get to the apartment, but no, he won’t let it go till he settles this, isn’t he?

 

“The therapist handles me too back then”

 

“You?” I stop on my track, and he did too, “Yeah” he shrugged like it was nothing.

 

“For what?” I asked.

 

“I shut myself too because of how my mother treated me, I’m always conscious of myself, and to put it in a word, I’m afraid of screwing up. My dad assigned him to me, I can’t say it’s an instant cure, but it helped, it helped a lot.”

 

Oh yeah, he undergoes that too… At least back then my mother never beats me, but the men she brought did, and the most she did to me was spitting venom on me.

 

“Why are you so against it anyway?” Chanyeol put a careful tone of voice, and slightly tugged on my sleeve. Why am I exactly?

 

We go back walking as my head tried to come up with a reason.

 

There’s a heavy lump in my chest, a sense of pride that held the truth away from my mouth. I let out a sigh, what’s the use of hiding things from him, he will never EVER let it go, I should’ve known by now.

 

“I’m not crazy Chanyeol”

 

“I never said you were” Chanyeol smiled and continue, “When we went through something traumatic, sometimes the scar is more than in the body, doesn’t mean it needs less care.”

 

He’s right, of course he’s right, I don’t know why I kept rejecting this idea. If I can be normal, then why not?

 

Because I’m scared, that’s why. I keep having burden after burden, it feels endless, it lowers my self-esteem to be by his side.

 

His fingers slid to mine, locking them together. If we weren’t in the quieter part of the area, I would already have brushed away his hand. I tighten my hands too, carefully leaning closer to him.

 

Whenever I feel worthless, Chanyeol always quietly slipped closer to me, like his hand right now. He didn’t say anything, he only knows I was quiet and frowning, meaning that I was thinking something not good. He made his presence known, and make sure he’s expressing his touchiness, to remind me how much I mean to him.

 

I know that my presence is needed by him, my happiness is important to him. I know that much, because I feel the same for him. It’s time I try to go even further out of my comfort zone.

 

This is normal, Chanyeol went through it too, I’m going to—

 

“You’re going to be okay Taekwoon, I’ll go with you, there are some sessions where you have to be alone, but I’ll be there whenever I can” Chanyeol completed my thought. Now, what can I say but agree? It’s okay, I’m not alone anymore.

 

“Fine, I’ll go.” and Chanyeol let out a relieved sigh, it must’ve bothered him quite a while, he should’ve just told me. Wait, he did, like a broken record he always did, I’m just such a stone head, aren’t I? I’m being so difficult.

 

“Thanks Chanyeol”

 

He smirked, looking down at my lips, “Anything for my sugar”

 

I cringed, these days he kept calling me nicknames, “Sugar? Really?”

 

“Honey?”

 

“No”

 

“Woonie?”

 

“…Maybe”

 

“Hmmm Woonie, can’t wait till we get home, your lips are inviting me since we’re on the train”

 

“I said maybe Chanyeol, drop the nicknames.” I punch in the codes and open the door to our room.

 

As soon as he stepped in, he’s caged in my arms, and my knee between his legs. I undo his tie, and see him enjoying my gesture. My face looms closer to his, almost brushing his lips against mine.

 

“If you’re not too tired sir, there’s are more invitations for you to come to.”

 

Chanyeol snickered, his hands getting busy to unbuckle my belt, “My sweet candy cane, I’ll come to any invitations you give to me.”

 

I rolled my eyes, “Just this once I’ll let you slide with the nicknames.”

 

But then how many times I’ve said that before? In the end, I always let Chanyeol do what he likes to me. I never saw someone smile that cheerful as he goes down on me.

 

How could I say no to that face?


	24. Bonus Chapter 3.1

I woke up to the slight tugging on my back, he’s doing it again, clutching my shirt and made the collar slightly choke me. From the lights through the blinds, it’s probably morning, or noon. I wonder if it’s still snowing outside, it’s hard to tell, and the clock is on the other side of the bed where the large tall lover of mine curled up like a rock. It’s not cold, the heater is on, and two layers of blankets is over us.

 

I turned around carefully and wrap him in my arms. Pushing his head into the crook of my neck as he snuggled closer to my body. I pressed my face against the top of his unruly head, and a low hum escaped my lips.

 

I missed this, touching him closely like this. I know the body wash was always there in the bathroom and practically on me too now, but I missed smelling it off him. Slowly I felt his breath on my neck began to steady, he’s lulled back to sleep.

 

Two weeks, I haven’t touched him or spend time with him properly. He’s always home late because of his cases and I’m already asleep whenever he came home. When I woke up he’s still asleep, curled up beside me like this. Sometimes there are days, 3 days straight, that the only time I meet him was when I woke up and he’s still asleep beside me. I don’t have it in me to wake him up even until I need to go.

 

I’ve also been busy since it’s nearing the holiday season, the parents are working overtime to spare their holiday to celebrate, and at these times Minseok opened even at weekends. That and the trips to the psychologist, that lately I’ve been able to go by myself. I’ve been smoking less, and now I know what to do when there’s an incoming panic attack. Can’t say it always works, sometimes I need my coworkers at Xiumin’s daycare to snap me out, but lately, nothing major. Nothing major as in I didn’t wake up any child anymore.

 

There are times when I was at my limit, that I cried when I have to get up and away from the bed where he sleeps clinging to me. I wanted to wake him up, just talk to him or eat together for once. I mostly eat alone in those two weeks and I hate it, I hate eating alone.

 

I don’t know why I was getting that emotional, I just really missed him talking to me, but I don’t have the heart to wake him up, so I stayed up late instead. It results in me almost fainting in front of the kids, but hey I got a quickie that night, I have myself charged with Chanyeol to hang in there for a little more while.

 

Still, it’s been a lonely two weeks, but no more.

 

This morning is ours to laze around, or afternoon, together, I’m not waking up unless he wakes up, or at least… until my arms cramp. I pull him close, gently and sighed out a satisfied breath. Finally, he’s in my arms, and I’m not letting him go at all today, or tomorrow, or the next, or ever.

 

I have the holidays finally alone with him, he’s mine all day, it’s Christmas Eve, and we’re taking a day off before Christmas.

 

 

++++++

 

 

I stayed for a few minutes until I can’t feel my arm anymore and decided to make lunch. I slipped away from him quietly, so I won’t wake him. Chanyeol with his eyes still closed unconsciously searched for my body after I stood up, and I put a pillow in his arms instead. I could stare at him all day but I need to make something to eat, he ate the last leftover yesterday.

 

I have my mind on breakfa- I mean lunch. For lunch… I look out of the window, the snow falling endlessly since yesterday finally stops but it seems like it hasn’t piled up that much down below. Maybe something soupy, with broth, something to warm the body.

 

There’s almost nothing in the fridge, will have to shop later today, or tomorrow… maybe just a vegetable soup and some gimbap.

 

I was preparing some ingredients and when I turned around from the fridge, I just noticed the lump of stuff at the corner of the living room right in front of the tv.

 

How did I not see that? There are two brown bags on the floor, that’s normal, but how come I just noticed there’s a tree inside the room, the height almost reaches the ceiling. Maybe because it’s near the corner right beside the bedroom door that I didn’t see, but still, it wasn’t there yesterday… was it?

 

“Chanyeol, did you buy this?” I called for Chanyeol, knowing he’s awake and probably in the bathroom.

 

I hear his steps walked out of the room, and he showed up with half-lidded eyes and foam on his mouth.

 

“Heah, I hought it.”

 

He bought this, I think that’s what he said. I gave him an awkward okay before I shooed him back to the bathroom and finish brushing his teeth. The foam around his mouth and his lazy eyes made him looked like he had rabies.

 

That idiot. My idiot. An idiot with great ass and juicy legs, that’s all mine. I just… want to fill me up with all that. God, he’s so cute. Finally, some time with him, and I’ll definitely going to clench my thirst after this.

 

But first, lunch, and may all force keep my hands away until I could make something on the table.

 

 

+++++++

 

 

I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I got food on my mouth. I think I skipped dinner yesterday and passed out on the bed. Looks like he’s just as hungry. We didn’t speak to each other until our plates are clean, now that the foods are gone, we finally looked at each other. He just sat there across from me and smiled like a goof. He always does that, and I always fall for it, damn him and his cute smiles.

 

“So, what’s up with the tree?” I took the plates from the table, put it in the sink and watered it. I can clean that up later.

 

“Tomorrow is Christmas! I thought I told you that we’re celebrating it!”

 

“No, you said YOU'RE celebrating it, I thought you’ll be going to your parent’s” I sit back to my chair, facing the now pouting Chanyeol.

 

“When I said me, it includes you too Taekwoon”

 

I didn’t hold back the scowl in my face, “I’m not coming along to your parent’s, I… I’m just not ready seeing her again, it’ll sour up the mood and--” I was cut by his hand on top of mine.

 

“Calm down, I know you don’t want to meet her yet, that’s why I’m celebrating it with you, here! Hence the tree.”

 

I paused, trying to make logic to one of Chanyeol yet again extreme attempts to make me do things I usually not do.

 

I can’t remember the last time I ever celebrated anything. Oh, I do actually, my birthday on 10th November and his was on the 27th of the same month. I’m not good at giving gifts, so Chanyeol had this idea to celebrate ours together, we took a leave and go on a trip to Japan. I will never forget how beautiful that country is, and how beautiful Chanyeol was when the scenery act as his background.

 

Honestly, that was the only celebration I cared about, his birthday. I never celebrated Christmas, even when I lived with her. Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, none of that shit too, not even my birthdays or hers. Celebrations has never been part of my life, so I don’t need it.

 

“I don’t have to celebrate it, you can just celebrate it with them.” I told him, and he looked noticeably dejected.

 

“It’s Christmas Taekwoon, everyone gets to celebrate it.” He pouts.

 

“Then, what about your parents if you’re celebrating with me?”

 

“I’ll go at the 25th, they’ll have to settle with that. I have celebrated with them for all my life, it’s our first Christmas together! Are you not excited??”

 

No, not really, but if he wanted to celebrate Christmas with me that much then I’m down, but now what do I do? I didn’t know that I was about to celebrate it with him, I didn’t even buy him any presents, isn’t that all that Christmas about? I honestly thought after all the fucking I’m about to do with him, he’ll leave again to his parent’s house.

 

“I didn’t even buy you anything…”

 

Chanyeol shrugged, “Same, I was buying ornaments and lights and totally forgot about the gifts… I didn’t even buy my parents anything yet.”

 

I raised my eyebrow, and glance at the bags in the living room, he must’ve already bought something. There’s no way those are only decoration. Chanyeol seemed guilty, smiling awkwardly, and tearing his eyes away from my gaze.

 

“S-so! Don’t worry Sweetums! Today we’re going to go Christmas shopping! We’re going to buy Christmas stuff, and bake Christmas cookies and stuff ourselves with Christmas cakes and we’re going to decorate the fuck out of that Christmas tree!”

 

Sweetums, that’s new, never heard of that before, he really gets creative in whatever he called me. I’ve heard anything from darling, to my sun and stars, the moon of my life, and it gets me every time. So affectionately being called sweet things other than being slut-shamed, I’m getting used to it. I’m getting used to a lot of things ever since I’m living with Chanyeol.

 

Though we do need to go outside to buy things, I’m not too excited about this seemingly time-consuming Christmas shopping. I thought we could’ve shop tomorrow, today, I just wanted to stay in. I want to recharge.

 

“Can we stay in today? We do need groceries, but it can be done later.”

 

“But… But Christmas…”

 

I can see the smile on his face fell. Why is he so down at that? What’s so important with Christmas anyway? Don’t tell me he thought I didn’t want to spend time with him, it’s the opposite actually.

 

I hurried to stand on my feet and take long strides to him and sat on his lap with my legs between him.

 

“I barely see you in two weeks Chanyeol, I want today to be just the two of us alone.” I took his face on the palm of my hands. His face completely framed with my long fingers, looking up at me with those dreamy eyes like he worshipped me. Never get tired of that.

 

“And it will be, I’m pent up too Taekwoon, you have no idea.” He growls lowly, his hands on my ass pulling our crotch closer on each other.

 

Good to know now we’re on the same page. My breath feels hotter now that he’s closer, with his innocent face switched into a predator ready to eat me up. I lowered my face, kissing his lips like it was my first meal in years. I’m hungry for it, for his skin on mine, and the hard-on poking my ass means that he felt the same too.

 

Slowly, his lips move too, massaging mine in his signature gentleness. His hands making their ways up my back, pulling me close so that no space came between our torsos. Closing my eyes, as I feel his breath on my face, touching him like this after so long felt so satisfying. His little hums under my lips send tickles in my chest, the loud thump of his chest is the same as mine.

 

Finally… finally in his arms.

 

“But we’re still going Christmas shopping.” Chanyeol said under his breath.

 

“Anything Chanyeol, anything as long as I get to touch you first.” And I meant it, Chanyeol can pull me to wherever he goes, and I would follow. Wherever it is as long as it’s with him, he’s my home, so of course.

 

He stood up with both his hands supporting my weight by my thigh, and naturally, I put my legs around him and hold tight. He puts me back to bed and hovers over me, cradling my neck as he kisses me again.

 

“We have about 2 hours to do whatever we want, then we have to go before the shops closed.” He said between our kisses, and I stopped immediately.

 

“Only two hours?”

 

“After we went shopping, then I’m all yours for the holidays.”

 

“You’re always mine, not just the holidays, always.”

 

Chanyeol chuckled and I was surprised at my confidence in acknowledging that he’s mine. It’s growing on me, and the more I admitted that he's always mine and so am I to him, the more I feel at peace.

 

“Always.” Chanyeol repeated as he kisses down my neck.

 

Always. Moments like these two weeks will repeat in the future, the times when he felt so far when we’re under one roof. Sure, we’ve had a couple of fights too, petty little fights of disagreement and misunderstanding.

 

But always, we fall back like this, into each other’s arms. Now, I don’t know if relationships are supposed to be this way or not, but I’m happy with this, just like this. As long as we always fall back.

 

 

+++++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this takes so long to publish, this is Bonus chapter 3 will be the last and revolve around Christmas. Now note, i don't know anything about Christmas since i don't celebrate it, but i just thought it's a nice moment as the end. I put this in parts again because it's too long :"D
> 
> I reread the previous chapters of this book and I can't help that i cringed so hard.... you guys... it's literally so shit i don't understand why any of you liked this is the first place but i still appreciate that some of you liked my work so thanks :"D


	25. Bonus Chapter 3.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN : Continuation of previous chapter, all the bonus chapter 3 will be around Christmas.

+++++++

 

 

The streets have been shinier these recent days, all because of this Christmas thing. The streets are full of people even more now. I cross by people with the same intention as me, buying last minute gifts. The streets are full of vendors too, people selling Christmas goods on sale, cakes, snacks, decoration, gifts, and one of those fake trees. Some of the cakes look really good, and I wanted to buy them, but Chanyeol said he knows a good place so I’m trusting him with cake duty.

 

Chanyeol and I were splitting up to buy our gifts. I spotted one that he might like and snatch it right away when I see there’s a 50% discount on it. The box is quite big, and thankfully the seller already wraps it up for me, complete with the Christmas tree pattern and golden bow and ribbon.

 

I texted Chanyeol that I already at the waiting point. He wanted to buy groceries together, so here I wait.

 

In the middle of this marketplace, the biggest Christmas tree in the area, 3 stories up. It’s bright that it almost blinds me when we first arrived. I look up to this tree again, and I must admit that it’s pretty.  Chanyeol saw it in child-like wonder the moment he laid eyes on it, even though I bet he has seen this so many times already. Yet for me, I can’t see it any more than just an over-decorated dead tree.

 

Ornaments in various shaped attached to its white branches, gigantic fake gifts also hung around and reflective little bits everywhere. My eyes reached the top of the tree, expecting a big star, but it’s not. It was a mini angel that seemed like it’s made of porcelain and wrapped up in fairy lights. Her eyes looking down at me as her stiff face radiates kindness. I’ve seen that inanimate smile before.

 

Time fly by since then…

 

“Whatcha looking at?” shoulder nudge on mine, I didn’t need to tear my gaze away to know whose it is.

 

“That angel on top of the tree…” I told him, and Chanyeol cocks his head up to see the angel too, “…reminds me of the angel statue where you found me.”

 

He sighed, and soft white smoke danced from his pretty little mouth, “Man, that time… the heart attack I have back then when you collapsed…I really thought it was the end of the world”

 

I rolled my eyes at him and chuckle, “You’re exaggerating.”

 

“Say whatever you want but it’s true, I cried the whole ride in the ambulance holding your hand. For my health, please don’t do that again.”

 

His hand nudged on mine again, his gloved fingers reached out to mine as he almost instinctively holds my hand, but he retracted it immediately. We’re in a public place, he knew that we need to hold back when we’re in this kind of place, and for once I regretted giving him that rule.

 

“I won’t do that again, I promise.” I made my voice clear, so he would hear, I turn my head to see him smiling in relieve.

 

Was he worried? After all this time, that I’ll go back to that state again? Well, I could relate. I get pretty dangerous back then. I’ll be worried too if he stopped smiling when he’s with me or need to put a tough act on me. I would hate it if he suffers alone and doesn’t even think that I could help. Worse, when he needed me but kept to himself just because he ‘didn’t want to burden me’. That shit is bullshit.

 

But he always tells if something’s making him unhappy, won’t he?

 

I felt a twinge in my chest caused by doubt. I just need to make sure, but I don’t want him to feel bad or anything. I’ve done extreme things, figures, since my life’s pretty extreme to make me do those things, and I hoped that Chanyeol will never have those feelings. But he will tell me, won’t he? I just… wanted to tell him the time that I—

 

“Something on your mind?” Chanyeol linked his pinkie on mine this time, blurring my train of thoughts. I gave up, and hold his hand, hiding them between our pressed thick coat.

 

“Yeah, you’re not going to like it.”

 

“Tell me anyway.”

 

“I will, if you promise to do the same. That whatever it is you’re going through, you will tell me no matter what.”

 

Chanyeol seems to be in thought, but it didn’t take him long till he nods. I swallowed, remembering that time again, the memory is fresh in my mind. I can’t reenact those feelings and I’m glad I can’t, but I remember how I felt, I could describe it.

 

“Three years ago, in the train station where you first found me, I almost jumped in front of the train.” I fell the hand on mine tensed and clenched tighter, and I felt my heart was held in the same manner. I didn’t dare to look at his expression now, not until I finish.

 

 

“I was in a bad place, mind, and body. That day I was raped yet again, it was a painful and emotionally draining one, then again, every time is an emotionally draining one…” I huffed, smiling as I look back, I can’t believe I have got out of that.

 

Then I continued “Whenever I was in those lowest state I always sat at the train station, contemplating to leave when I know I won’t, because there’s nothing out there for me. Whenever I was there, my hope instantly is gone, and I’m back to that city, it’s always the same cycle. But three years ago, I was at my limit, and suddenly I get creative. I hear the train coming and my legs just moved. I was passing the safe line, and the train is coming…”

 

I can almost see it, the station, the sound of train launching. It’s not stopping, it’s going to just pass by in a speed of light. My legs moving forward to the edge and then… I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

 

“…But someone pulled me back, a police officer. I realized how scary it is because my heart was thumping really loud, I thought it means that I was not ready yet. So, I decided I should live a little longer, merely because I’m waiting until I’m not scared anymore. Every few months, I would try again whenever I’m in my lowest point, and back then, when I run away from you, I was about to try one last time, if I’m still afraid, I planned to go away, somewhere far.”

 

I found myself dryly chuckle at that memory, but the one beside me doesn’t seem to find my story funny. If it’s not for the gloves, I think his hand would crush mine now. Yet I already feel like I’m crushed by the pressure of his gaze on me.

 

“I lived in those few years, I used to curse at myself at how cowardly I am for not ending my pointless life, but if I knew then what I know now, I would’ve slapped myself. I’m glad I lived long enough to meet you, for you to save me, I just wanted to tell you that. And I wanted you to tell me when—”

 

I look to my side, I want to see him in the eyes when I say this, but I didn’t expect him to be in tears. Eyes reddish as streams of water rolled down his red cheeks, some already dried up by the winter air before they could fall. Lips pressed tight as he tried to stay quiet. I felt my chest clenched, I wanted to wipe those tears away, but again, we’re in the middle of a fair crowd. Though the crying and close distance must’ve caught a few eyes already.

 

“… I… I wanted you to tell me when you have these feelings, I’m begging you to never put one of those cover-up smiles on me. I want to be there, just like how you’re there to catch me. I too, will feel it’s the end of the world if you’re not here.”

 

After a few seconds, he finally nods and wiped his face with his gloves, “I promise” he whimpered weakly.

 

“C-Can we please buy the groceries tomorrow? We can order s-something, I just wanna quickly go home and h-hug you.” He said between his sobs, and I couldn’t have agreed more.

 

We walked home, with our bag in hand and our other hand brushed against each other. In those few minutes of our walks, Chanyeol was on the brink of tears.

 

True to his words, he dropped everything in his hand as soon as our doors closed shut. I don’t know how many minutes he hugs me tightly, but the more I stayed the more I didn’t want to let go.

 

I feel guilty of telling him that, I should’ve just cut to the chase, there’s no need to tell my gloomy backstory like that. He cried so hard in the middle of the streets, and he tried so hard to not sob loudly. He shouldn’t have to hold back, he should’ve cried to his heart content whenever he needs to.

 

“I’m sorry Chanyeol”

 

The head buried on my shoulder shook, and he hummed with sobs between his words, “T-There’s nothing to be sorry f-f-for. I’m g-glad you t-told me.”

 

I don’t get why he would be glad to hear something so saddening. I’ll ask him that later. Right now, I just wanted to indulge myself in him, indulge in this hug that saved my life.

 

This man that pulls me away from the loneliness and has accept me so wholly the way I can’t accept myself back then. Until now, I don’t know the reason my he would love me this much., and maybe I’ll never know, nor will I understand. One day, maybe one day I’ll know what of me that worth so much of his tears.

 

He lowly sobs as he buried his face on my shoulders still, I couldn’t feel the tears on me because of the jacket, and neither did he when my tears roll down to his shoulder. Though I didn’t know what his tears meant, mine is not because of the painful memories, it’s not because I’m sad, quite the opposite, I have never felt happier.

 

I remembered how low I was, at what state of my mind in that city, living that life. I was a walking empty shell, and then I look at myself now. How my life has changed, how my world has turned upside down, and how happy I am now.

 

I look at myself and no longer see the lone me standing in the corner of a dark room, staring at me with hollow eyes. Now, I see Chanyeol beside me and my friends from the daycare. Feeling full, warm, and content in the end, those feelings I thought I’ll never experience.

 

A smile formed on my lips, as I laid on the shoulder where my tears pooled. Tighten the arms around Chanyeol’s torso, putting all my love into the strength, I started to laugh.

 

Ah… I’m so glad I lived.


	26. Bonus Chapter 3.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An : I don't know anything about traditionally celebrated christmas, you can say this is my romanticized version of Christmas I saw on TV shows. Sorry...

++++++++++++++

 

A full hugging and couple rounds of sex later, at 9 pm, Chanyeol was the one that leaves the bed first. My body whined when his bare skin left mine. He put on his old pink hoodie and sweatpants and my heart says good bye to his delicious skin. With a recharged smile, he pulled me up from bed too.

 

“Time to decorate the fuck out of that tree!” he cheered.

 

And here we are. The branches must be fake and made from metal, there’s no way something that’s so skinny could hold onto these gigantic glittery ornaments. It didn’t seem that Chanyeol was aiming for a certain look, the tree is crowded with various shapes of ornaments, in all the colors in a rainbow.

 

There are things made of glass, dolls, angels, elves, glittery ones, painted ones. Then swirled around with some fairy lights, and silver tinsels. He bought to much of those and decided to wrap the rest of fairy lights and tinsels around the bars of the balcony.

 

Now that he living room looked like the elf’s home, he bought something to hang on the door outside. This massive garland and a calligraphy board saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

 

He only told me after we’re done that he never gets to celebrate Christmas on his apartment, he usually slept over at his parent’s and celebrate at their house, hence why he’s hyped at all the new things he’s buying. Well, anything that makes him happy, and I can’t lie to myself and say I didn’t enjoy the bright pretty lights inside our home. The style clashes but it’s still pretty.

 

When I thought he was done, he wasn’t. He returned from our room with our printed photographs. Some were from our Japan trips, from where we’re in bed, and a few of my candid ones. I told him to stop taking candid pictures of me and share them on his friend’s group chats, but for now I only manage to stop him only from sharing.

 

He hanged all those embarrassing pictures there on the branches with pins so shamelessly, there’s one when we’re half-naked too. Would’ve yanked it off if we’re not alone.

 

“Wait, photos are not Christmas decoration, are they?” I asked.

 

“You can put anything on OUR Christmas tree~” Chanyeol rolled his eyes and snickered, and seems like he’s not done, there’s more where those pictures came from.

 

While he was looking for spaces to put photos in, I returned from our bedroom with something I’ve kept for a long time. Since the theme seems like ‘personal touch’, I think this will fit in, actually, anything will fit into this randomness. There isn’t much room left, but this won’t take that much space.

 

It seems that Chanyeol is done with putting all the pictures he wanted. All of them were scattered around prettily, fitted in between branches, ornaments, glitters and lights.

 

I found a spot, right in the middle, a lone little branch where the fairy light crosses it. I hanged my cute little sunfish key chain there and stepped back standing side by side with Chanyeol and held his hand. Chanyeol just awed at the keychain in the middle of the crowded tree, mouth gaping from it.

 

“Is that—the one that I think it was from?”

 

“From our first date-ish thing on the aquarium, yes.”

 

Chanyeol gasped, “You kept it??? How come I never seen it though??”

 

“Because I always have it with me, on my wallet, never really take it out since… since back then when you found me at the park.” I let a sigh escaped me as I remember the memory, how much this mere keychain meant for me.

 

Chanyeol leaned on my shoulder with both arms wrapped around my torso and I leaned on top of his head. It’s been 10 months since we first met, since all that mess, and here we are, together.

 

“What now?” I asked.

 

“We live happily Taekwoon, forever.”

 

I felt heat creeping up on my cheeks as he manages to make my heart bloom yet again. I was thinking the same things. Together like this forever but…

 

“And I’m glad Chanyeol, but I meant this Christmas thing, what do we do on Christmas now that the décor is complete?”

 

“O-oh um.” He staggers as he wanted to pull away, but I kept him in my side, tightening my hold on his hip. Knowing that he couldn’t pull away, Chanyeol gives up and slumped back on me, that’s much better.

 

“Well, we gotta eat some cake, and since we didn’t buy any groceries, guess we need to order our dinner.” Chanyeol mumbled against my shoulder.

 

“Mhm, and then?”

 

“Well, we put our gifts under the tree and open it tomorrow and pretend that it’s Santa that dropped the presents for us.”

 

“Santa?”

 

Chanyeol snickered, tugging my arm, “Yes, Santa! We have to put our present under the tree without each other knowing.”

 

I rolled my eyes playfully, “Whatever you say.”

 

“Do you want to eat cake?” Chanyeol said with a hum, and now that I remembered back the cake he just bought, that creamy milky berry filled cake, my mouth waters already.

 

“Do I ever, let’s order something and wait while eating that cake.” I usually wont encourage eating deserts before a meal, but today was supposed to be some what special.

 

Chanyeol hums, agreeing, “Do you want to bake some cookies too? I think there are some ingredients for that at least.”

 

“Sure, and after we’re done eating? What do we do then?”

 

Chanyeol looks up, and I let his head slipped off from me this time. He looked at me with those eyes again, hungry dominant eyes piercing through me as his hands pulled me closer to his.

 

“After that, we continue where we left off.” His hands traveled lower as his knee slipped between my legs and give my crotch a slight nudge, it caught me by surprise and made a light gasp escaped my lips.

 

A smirk formed on my lips as I stared down his, I like my hands around his neck cradling his head while my fingers comb through his scalp, my recent favorite activity. Being this close, torso pressed to torso as our nose touched and lips brushed against each other, teasingly intimate, I found it… romantic.

 

“Why don’t we continue now?” I offered, honestly thinking why didn’t we.

 

“Because I’m starving, and I want cake.” He whispered on top of my lips before leaving a light peck on top of it, then another, then a deeper kiss. I pulled him in for a little while to return his kiss, before finally letting him go.

 

“Whatever you want babe.” I let the word slipped, damn him when I’ve been holding back from the pet names… why does his habits always manage to grow on me?

 

“Awwwweee sugar pops that’s so sweet of you the cake’s gonna taste bland now compared to this.”

 

My lips twitched at one of his cheesy remark, again, “STOP Chanyeol before I walk out of that door!”

 

“NEVER! YOU’RE STUCK HERE WITH ME FOREVER AND EAT BLAND CAKES WITH ME.”

 

“I’M WALKING OUT”

 

He wrapped around my belly and lift me up in the air, but I tickled him back so he’ll drop me. It ended with the both of us on the floor as he tickled me back and me shamelessly squealing like a child.

 

Baking cookies were disastrous, we have no preparations at all, so it’s not surprising when they came out all black and hard like coal. At least the cake was delicious, and we eat pizza while we watch a ‘Christmas movie’ that I thought was about a story of Christmas but turns out only a story of a child left alone on Christmas.

 

True to his word again, when we finally get to bed, we continue where we left off. Now back to bed, pinning me down as we kiss each other stupid, hands roaming each other’s body while taking our clothes off as fast as we could. Finally feeling warm again, skin on skin, as sweats started to form the more our body rocked against each other.

 

We didn’t leave each other until dawn crept in and finally fell asleep, both of us forgot that we were supposed to put our gifts under the tree. Don’t care really, I already have what I wanted.


	27. Bonus Chapter 3.4 (Final End)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN : I'll be lying if I didn't say I'm emotional about this. This is the final end, the last of the last. This has been a good journey, I used to think this is a good one, but the more I write the more I realized it's a mess. But hey, I'm learning :D and i'm happy that people read this sloppy progress of mine. It's been great. Love yall, and enjoy.

+++++

 

He woke up first again, and it’s the same dim gloomy snowy day outside. He already has his ‘Ugly Christmas sweater’, another bright pink sweater with patterns of Christmas trees a little puff balls scattered all around acting as the ornaments. The sheer hilarity of it wakes me up a little, only a little, and Chanyeol seems so proud at how he smirks when he met eyes with me.

 

Didn’t get to collect my soul and wake up to join him up, he came back with two cups of hot chocolate for me that’s still naked under the covers. Then a tray of pancakes follows, and we eat in bed while we watch cartoons on his laptop. He’s been demanding me to watch some must watch cartoons and anime.

 

The moment of hurt in his face when I told him I never watch Ben 10, or even know cartoons like Stephen Universe, Gravity Falls, and Courage the Cowardly dog which he said one of the classics. It’s not my fault I didn’t know them since I barely ever watched tv, don’t think I ever owned one too long, I sold at some point in my life when I desperately need money.

 

Since Chanyeol knew about my ‘inexcusable lack of knowledge in legendary series’(his words), Cartoon day has been established on every morning of any holidays, and finally we started to watch The Legend of Korra after the emotional wreck Avatar the Last Airbender has put me through. I thought cartoons were silly annoying kids show, but Chanyeol does prove me wrong.

 

He told me he already watched all of these, don’t know why he’s watching it again. He said he wanted to see my reaction. Well, he gets exactly what he wanted, since I can’t count how many times I’ve bawled or almost choked to death for laughing.

 

Finally, at the end of Book 1 of Legend of Korra, his chest, my default pillow, moves away.

 

“That’s a wrap!! Time to open presents!!!! Chop chop! Put on some clothes and get to the Christmas tree!!”

 

I automatically groaned and wrap my arms around his torso to hold him in place.

 

“Nooooooo, can’t we open it here? I don’t want to move.” I bury myself back into the blanket and burying my face into Chanyeol’s belly, ignoring the little puff balls of his sweater that’s poking my face.

 

I’m not going to move an inch no matter how hard he’s going to pull me out of bed. Nothing can get me out of bed, NOTHING.

 

I hear him chuckle lightly with his baritone voice, making the stomach where my face laid rumbles gently. He bends down and kissed the top of my head, humming as his hands gently caressing my face, and my arms loosened. The warmth of his hands as he so preciously touched my face, melts me.

 

“It’s just how I’ve been doing it, opening presents in front of the Christmas tree, please Taekwoon?” he rubs his cheeks at the top of my head and tucked me into his chest so closely as he sends flutters of kisses down cheeks and neck and then… I’m sold.

 

“Fine.”

 

He flashes one of his cheeky toothy grin and pulled me up without even a second pause.

 

He’s in the living room with his present already, and I joined him after getting mine, a medium sized box compared to his small one. He’s holding a box where the bow is as big as the box on its own, which isn’t even as big as his hands.

 

I saw an anime where girls gave their crush tickets like 5 minutes massages, a make-out session, or one blow job. I mean he already gives those to me willingly, or maybe it’s ticket for kinky things. Well, I do have a few things in mind…

 

He gave me his box and I push mine to him. I was checking the little flat-ish rectangle, there’s a little ruffle when I shake it, and it’s not that heavy either. My fingers itched over the seams to open it, and from the corner of my eyes, the wrapping of my presents already in tatters, that beast!

 

“OH MY GOD.” His jaw dropped to the floor as he saw the case underneath, poor wrappings.

 

He took out the red helmet/mask thing from inside the box. It was from this comic series he’s been following. I just snatched it from one of the comic merch stores when I see it on discount, I forgot the name…

 

“RED HOOD’S HELMET FROM DC UNIVERSE REBIRTH: RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS OH MY GOD THIS LOOKS SO GOOD. IT’S SHINY AND RED.”

 

Yeah, that, red something from DC something. He didn’t have a lot of merch since he doesn’t have enough space, or so he told me, but I just thought this one is cool for him to own. I look up and see his face already gone inside the helmet.

 

“My name is Jason Todd. Or better known to the NSA, CIA, Homeland Security, FBI, KGB, Mossad, and Interpol as…” He held finger guns on his side, looking down on me as he poses as badass as his sweater would let him “… the Red Hood~” he finished with a deep voice, even deeper than he has.

 

I clapped my hands, more like lazily putting my hands together repeatedly. He then sat back in front of me after he’s done, seemingly not going to take off the helmet.

 

“Thank you Taekwoon.” He leaned forward and pressed his helmet on top of my lips.

 

It’s weird, I hope this is not him foreshadowing another one of his kinks again because I can accept the pantyhose, and the bikini’s, but wearing helmets and full cosplay is a bit—

 

“Open my present!” his voice muffled from inside the helmet, and my attention is drawn back to the box.

 

There’s another velvet blue box inside the wrappings, I opened it and inside was… oh my god.

 

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know what to get you honestly, so I just thought I’ll buy you something romantic, but I realized it’s kinda… girly… sorry.”

 

Chanyeol was rambling even more but it was lost in the background. I touched the perfectly intact oval pendant at the lower part of the box, and the metals chains intact on top of it were swirled and formed like a flower at the upper part. There’s an engraving of our initials, C&T in a very cursive style. There’s no way he just bought this today. Sneaky as always.

 

The pendant was thicker than I thought, my finger probes it around just a bit. I noticed that there’s a seam on the side of the pendant, and I curiously slipped in between it… and it opened.

 

Inside was a picture of me and him from our trip to Japan, the background was completely pink from the sakura trees. Face mushed with each other, and for once I saw my face mirrored his goofy bright smile. To think I could smile like this… when did he even put the picture there?

 

“Umm… Taekwoon? So… what do you think? If you don’t like it you don’t have to wear it or--”

 

“It’s perfect Chanyeol.” I pressed the box against my chest, feeling my cheeks burn when the image of me smiling surfaced again.

 

God, I’m really happy.

 

“I didn’t know what to get you… next time you should tell me what you want instead, like writing Santa a letter!”

 

“But I already have what I want.”

 

I smiled as my eyes look him dead in the eye hole of his helmet. I couldn’t see his face, but he squirmed when I didn’t look away. I put aside the box for a while and pull the helmet away.

 

“Hey!” He argued and held back the gift to his head, but I’m stronger, and quicker, and his face is finally free from the red helmet to reveal the equally red face.

 

His eyes looking down with his palms pressing against his cheeks. I grabbed each of his wrists and pull him closer to me, forcing him to look at me.

 

“I already have what I want, right here…” I smiled as our lips brushed against each other, and I left a peck on the top of his lips, “… and this pendant will be a reminder of that.”

 

The face of me smiling, beside his own happy self. Like the cute sunfish keychain, this will also be a reminder of my life, of him, of the happiness that came after I lived out the pain. It’s true what they say, the pain doesn’t last forever. The nightmares still come, and the face of that nameless baby still haunts me, but the past is the past, when they come to visit, all I have to do is remember the good life I have now.

 

That, and Chanyeol, I’m not alone anymore, I’m not miserably lonely anymore, I can’t say I have life goals to accomplish or even imagine what my future will be like, but I look forward to tomorrow and the next, for the sake of living.

 

I didn’t know what to do when I have my attention back to his face. His eyes widen, and he lightly gasps. I don’t know if he felt happy, or something else, but his eyes that reflect my face started to glimmer and a tear dropped. I did not see that coming.

 

“Why are you crying?” I breathed on top of his lips.

 

He shook his head, and leaned his temple to mine, closing his eyes as he returned my earlier kiss.

 

“Please don’t leave me.” With eyes closed and tears in the corner of his eyes, he murmured softly.

 

I felt my heart fell at the tone of his voice and his words. It must’ve been because of what I told him yesterday. The thought must’ve harbored in his mind since then. It made me feel guilty, but at the same time, I’m glad he told me. He must’ve kept it in because he didn’t want to ruin the ‘merry’ atmosphere. I have to do a double check.

 

“Was it because what I said yesterday? Did it made you remember things?” I cupped his face, wiping his tears away as he nods.

 

I sighed as I tried to pat away my guilt to the side and focused on the body curled up in my arms.

 

“I see, I can’t say that I shouldn’t have said it, since I’m glad you told me what bothers you today.” He nods again, now opening his eyes.

 

I felt my breath was taken away for a few seconds as I saw him smiling with that sparkling eyes. The corner of his lips spread sideways, filling his little face with a child-like glee. He looked beautiful, truly, inside and out.

 

“I promise I will never leave you, as long as you always come back to me.” I breathed, and there’s a lump of my heart slipped in those words.

 

An airy chuckle left his smiling lips, both his hands-on top of mine and left a gentle squeeze.

 

“Then I’ll come back, always.” He whispered, pressing his temple against mine as his arms wrapped around my body.

 

The air on my throat hitched as his words echo, ‘always’. I put my hands around his waist pulling him closer. I can never get tired of his body heat, his sweet smell, and his ridiculous pet names. It made me look forward what he’ll come up next.

 

Heh, funny, back then I can’t wait to end it, now I’m looking forward to it, looking forward to this life with him.

 

“Always.” I mumbled back.

 

Always Chanyeol.

 

You’ll always have me, if I have the power to make you happy then I’ll always stay. That childlike smile when I’m in your arms, a smile of you who has everything, that has given me all of your everything as well. Forever I’ll be grateful, and forever I’ll pay it back to you.

 

I might have some hiccups along the line, since my experience with relationships is none, but I have all the time in the world to figure it out, and I hope you’re patient with me. I know you are, because you always come back to me.

 

 

Always.

 

 

End.


End file.
